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My wife has taken a lodger

  • Doey
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26 Mar 12 #320109 by Doey
Topic started by Doey
I have been divorced from my ex for 2 years and seperated for 6 years. We have a daughter together who is (7) My ex had an older daughter (19) who has moved out. She emailed me on Friday to tell me that she has taken a lodger who is a 37 year old man from Milton Keynes. Myself and my family are unhappy as she has only known this mman for a month and it isnt her partner. You hear about so much nowadays and I think it is a risk to my daughter. We live in Warrington and this man says he has a girlfriend and works in IT. I told my ex that we are upset as we dont know anything about him or his history. I asked her why a 37 year old man would want to lodge with a single woman and her 7 year old daughter? It doesnt make sense. My wife said he only viewed lodgings with families which again seems odd. I have been upset for 3 days now and feel totally helpless. Her elder daughter (19) told me today that she had reseravtions about an unknown man coming to the house and she would normally back her to the hilt. the facty it is short term (few months) does not make it any better. I am drained and feel like I have been through hell the last few days.

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26 Mar 12 #320138 by WYSPECIAL
Reply from WYSPECIAL
It could just be that he is working in the local area and wants somewhere to stay for a short time.

Lots of people have lodgers. You have voiced your concerns so there isn''t much else you can do.

Look at the positives, your ex-wife told you about it, she didn''t have to. He only viewed lodgings with families, that could well support the girlfriend story as she may not want him living with singles.

  • Notgiving up
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26 Mar 12 #320146 by Notgiving up
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If you are concerned you can approach the police to do a check on him if he is having any contact with your daughter. It''s one of the outcomes from Sarah law where you are able to have a persons history checked for any one in contact with children. You wont get to know the outcome only your ex if there is a concern.

I do it for my ex boyfriends. Have only given them the first name of her boyfriends and they go round and get the rest. Give your ex a warning that you are going to do it though.


  • mumtoboys
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26 Mar 12 #320149 by mumtoboys
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maybe he doesn''t like the life involved in living with other 30-something single men?

I wouldn''t be too concerned. He''s a lodger, out at work, presumably with some kind of social life in the evenings even if it''s not every evening. If you make a fuss, remember your ex will equally be entitled to make a fuss when you have a new girlfriend. I think it''s easy to say ''well, I have nothing to hide so it wouldn''t bother me'' but the reality is usually different. It is intrusive, screams ''I don''t trust you to look after our children appropriately'' and is a huge slur on someone''s parenting as a result.

  • Doey
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26 Mar 12 #320154 by Doey
Reply from Doey
Thanks for the replies. I have been with my partner for 5 years so wont be having new girlfriends and I think partners are different than lodgers. I wouldn''t introduce a new partner to my daughter after a month either!
My mum and my exs older daughter both agree with me as well so tha must be a huge eye opener for her.
If this was someone elses child maybe I would be more blasé but it''s a risk that need not be taken. If this guy is ok, and another 5-10 lodgers come in under similar circumstances, one of them is going to be a bad penny.

  • sexysadie
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26 Mar 12 #320171 by sexysadie
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I agree with mumtoboys: you are panicking and raising this as an issue is a colossal vote of no-confidence in your ex''s parenting and opens the door to her questioning the bona fides of anyone you bring the children into contact with. I think also that most people are much more able to judge the risks posed by a lodger than by a new partner with whom they have an emotional involvement.

I also think the assumption that one in ten lodgers is bound to be a problem is unreasonable. It is not the case that one in ten men is a child abuser.

My parents had male lodgers until I was about eleven and they were generally delightful and a great bonus in the family.

Best wishes,

  • Patrick1968
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30 Mar 12 #320884 by Patrick1968
Reply from Patrick1968
Go round and meet him. Ask for details of where he lived before, has he got a CRB cert you can''t insiste on it but he may have one.

If you ex kicks off about and isn''t declaring the income tell her you''ll forward the information.

If your not happy and I wouldn''t be go with your instinct. Your ex is either nieve or incrdibily selfish and stupid or she could be lying and it could be the new BF.

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