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Should stbx tell me where he''s taking kids on hols

  • lonely and confused
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02 Apr 12 #321312 by lonely and confused
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Hi All

I know the question on taking children on holiday has been asked many times, but I can''t find a post similar to my question.

My husband and I are half way through our divorce. He left me to live with his (now pregnant) mistress. We have our Decree Nisi and have completed form E and a Statement of Arrangements for Children.

He has our 2 girls (6 and 7) every friday night and every other sat and sun. We divide school holidays between us so we both use the same amount of annual leave and have childcare covered. This is all arranged ''amicably'' and there is no parental order, or Consent Order or whatever they are referred to.

Up to now, when he has the children over the holidays, he has informed me where he is taking them. This Easter, he has booked a weeks holiday, but won''t tell me where they are going. I know they won''t be going abroad, as the girls don''t have passports.

The girls live with me in the former marital home for the majority of the time. Does this mean I have parental responsibility? Am I within my rights to insist on knowing where he is taking them?

Thanks for reading.

  • rubytuesday
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02 Apr 12 #321313 by rubytuesday
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Hello

You BOTH have Parental Responsibility, and while it would be reasonable of him to give the holiday details, he is not legally obliged to.

I can understand that you would like to know, for peace of mind, but at the same time, while the children are with him during his parenting time, what he does and where is down to him, and he doesn''t have to give you any details (providing there are no child protection issues, of course).

As long as he is contactable via mobile, and you are too, then you both at least have a form of contact should there be a need to.

The girls will enjoy a fab holiday with Dad, and if you wave them off with a smile, they will enjoy it even more. try to use the week for doing things for you, focus on yourself, and enjoy the time to relax, rather than worrying unnecessarily about the children.

  • sillywoman
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02 Apr 12 #321315 by sillywoman
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Why on earth won''t he tell you where they are going?

  • Lostboy67
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02 Apr 12 #321319 by Lostboy67
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Hi
I''d agree with Ruby, while he doesn''t have to give you details of where he is taking them (all things being equal regarding child care). It would be a courtessy to tell you where he was taking them.
Do you always tell him where you are taking the children?
There may be some reason why he is reluctant to tell you, possibly he is visiting somewhere that you previously visited as a family ?
Don''t be tempted to give the children the 3rd degree when they return. Children of that age will inevitably let slip where they have been if you ask ''did you have a good time?''

LB

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02 Apr 12 #321324 by lonely and confused
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Thanks for your thoughts.

I have no idea why he won''t tell me where they are going. He always has in the past, although sometimes reluctantly. I have never tried to stop him taking the girls on holiday and I do enjoy the time to myself when they are away, which makes it all the more strange that he is behaving in this way.

I agree that it is common courtesy to inform me where he''s taking them. I have always told him where I am taking them, so its not a tit-for-tat situation.

I really just wanted to find out if there was any obligation, other than politeness, for him to inform me of his plans.

Thanks again.

  • C. J.
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10 Apr 12 #322742 by C. J.
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Hi,

I am inclined to agree with Ruby Tuesday but that is only because my partner is in the same situation and never knows where his children are going on their holidays when they are with their mum.

They go to Butlins every easter, but he doesn''t know where and they go abroad every year during the summer and all he knows from his daughters is that it''s Spain, which could be a number of islands.

When we take them away for a break it''s usually camping somewhere and is mostly a spare of the moment decision to pack up the car and go. When the girls go home and tell their mum all about it she then claims that my partner is disrespecting her as their mother for not informing her.

My partner doesn''t do this to encourage a tit-for-tat game but the reason why he doesn''t make an issue about her not telling him is because as their mother he has to trust her and he isn''t interested in questionning her parenting/actions when it comes to girls being with her.

The only reason why my partner in the past was aprehensive about telling his girls in advance where they were going is because he has always had his contact frustrated in the past and if his ex knew she would have tried to damage the upcoming contact.

I''m not saying that you are like this at all but like Ruby Tuesday said so long as he is contactable then I''d try not to worry too much about it:)

  • soulruler
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10 Apr 12 #322745 by soulruler
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I agree with the view here. I had a similar experience during the first year of my separation/divorce.

My husband was taking the two youngest away for a foreign holiday and all I asked for was the dates of departure and return and the name of the airline/holiday company so that my name could be given as a contact number in case of emmergency.

At the time I was extremely distressed and asked my solicitor to write a letter asking for those details. What came back was a letter from him stating that the reason why he wasn''t giving any details was because I would phone up the hotel and cause trouble.

That was totally bonkers as I don''t know what he thought that I may say, maybe something along the lines of my husband is staying with you and my kids and I am going to blow your hotel up? well the hotel would just put the phone down as I would have been a total nutter.

You have to just rise above it, after a while you will realise it just isn''t worth the pain and worry. As they are holidaying in the UK if there is an emergency you will get to know. Best just to let this go as life is too short.

My husband is currently on holiday with the youngest two in the carribean and like Ruby says I hope that the children really enjoy themselves as although they don''t exactly deserve such a wonderful trip I am sure that they are going to have a truly wonderful time.

Rather mischieviously maybe I hope that my husband gets horrible sunburn and hopefully also hives (he is a gingernut).

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