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please help and advise me

  • julesgy
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04 Jun 12 #335062 by julesgy
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hello
i just dont know what to do .......... im so lost, i received Petition from stbx and it was all lies (hes the adultery please read my prev posts) i have a daughter that is 28yrs young and i love her with all my heart and she has contact with her father (which i understand) but when she read all the lies he put in the petition she was absolutely disgusted and so angry but when he visited her on sunday nothing was mentioned about it thy dont discuss the divorce at all and i cant understand why !!! im so very confused about all of this and its driving me crazy one minute im ok with her and understand her seeing her dad and the next thing im so angry that i feel shes just ..... ooh i dont know please is there anyone whos been in the same position as me has anyone dealt with all this heartbreak i just dont know how to handle this i really want to do the right thing by her and i definatelly dont want to lose her too please help and advise me im at a loss xxxx
jules

  • fairylandtime
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04 Jun 12 #335067 by fairylandtime
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Hi jules

From your daughters point of view, she may not want to confront her dad re the Petition or speak to him re the divorce.

In my own experience, & my kids are younger but I think the sentiment is the same. I don''t speak to them re the divorce, but they have (as teenagers do) picked up on bits (ESP from relatives unfortunately). They visit dad regularly but they do not discuss things with him, talk to him etc etc re anything that IMO matters. I often say what does your dad think, re their choices (school) work etc & the response is don''t know don''t talk about it. This may be the same for your daughter?

Also, as it is you & your X who are getting the divorce it is not really up to your daughter to be the go-between or tell your x off for lying. I am sorry not trying to be harsh here but, I would say that there is always more than one version of the truth, your daughter will know that you are her constant & that your version of the truth is correct, but either by ignoring or agreeing or just avoiding conversations with her dad about this I expect they won''t talk about it.

She loves you both, don''t make her chose sides.

Sorry if I have offended you I didn''t mean to but even at 28 she is still your & your x''s daughter & she will still be confused & hurting & in need of support.

My X''s petition like yours was completely incorrect, both factually & morally but as my sols suggested (once I''d calmed down lol) just agree that the marriage has broken down but dispute the reasons given, so I did end of & never looked at these reasons since, it does get easier.

JJx

  • julesgy
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04 Jun 12 #335069 by julesgy
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hi fairylandtime
oh you have not offended me at all, thanks for replying , i think i know what youre saying is right it must be hard for her too. the thing is though she wants to know all the information from when i go to the solicitors and wanted to read the Petition maybe its just the frame of mind im in at the minute - a low one thankyou for replying to me x
take care
jules

  • redwine47
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04 Jun 12 #335078 by redwine47
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I am in similar position... Every thing was stressful enuf but couldn''t believe it. When stbx decided to fabricate stories in court.... and perhaps. I was naive that he would stoop so low and wondered Why...... but our older son did take sides (mine) cause it was so ridiculous. I am sad that it. has come to this situation.... As they are both missing out on a relationship but as my son said to me why would he want a relationship with a liar.

Hopefully your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions. My motto is to always be truthful and provide security she will decide on her own instinct.

x

  • fairylandtime
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04 Jun 12 #335087 by fairylandtime
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Hi jules

It''s hard, with your daughter being older she will want to know everything. It''s good that she is there to support you, I think that eventually the penny drops with our kids, but it can be hard for them to face, mine know that x is unreliable & has his own version of the truth for all sorts of things, including things that are to do with them & are nothing to do with me.

A hard lesson to learn & can lead to them taking sides, which as redwine says is sad, at the end of the day it is hurting them more but more than that they hurt their kids.

I sometimes wonder if sols just give a tick list for petitions, oh yea I''ll use that one & that one, but am prob wrong.

See what your sols advises, but will prob be agree to disagree. It is harder to come to terms with though as we know that the Petition is all lies.

JJx

  • NoWhereToTurnl
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05 Jun 12 #335111 by NoWhereToTurnl
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Hi Jules,

My daughter is 27 yrs old and more important to me than anything else in the world, that said, she can be very judgemental against me when it comes to financial matters involving her father.

Mr exh had a long affair with a woman he works with and now lives with her, my daughter told me of the affair as she had seen them together. We have been divorced since 2005 and during that time my ex has rewritten history and told my daughter many lies about the financial settlement.

I tried to show my daughter the order as she started accusing me of taking her father to the cleaners and him not having enough to live on!, she refused to read the order or listen to me. My daughter refuses to acknowledge the OW, has never visited their home but sees her father on neutral ground.

I found it very difficult and often got distressed by her lack of support so understand your feelings. Eventually I realised I was making myself ill with it so made a pact with myself never to discuss it and count to 10 before responding to any of her comments.

Life improved beyond measure, we are exceptionally close and it has not been easy but worth it. My daughter is about to graduate with a degree in medicine, I have been means tested and supported her both emotionally through-out. Her father, who earns in excess of £200K a year has contributed nothing. I am medically retired, have a mortgage of £86K and pension of £16K..... but then he is broke
and stopped paying SM ( another story)

My advice would be to start limiting the amount of information you give your daughter about your proceedings, in time she will support you with-out the questions.

I feel its important not to put my daughter off marriage but also vital that her childhood memories are cherished. I am now able to chat and laugh with her about the happy times and memories of my 35yr marriage, I never criticize him in any way to her but save that for my closest female friend.

Things will get better, don''t feel guilty about your emotions and PM me if you want to ask anything.

Best wishes & take good care of yourself, big hug x

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