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Schools can sit up and listen...

  • Bobbinalong
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10 Jul 12 #342209 by Bobbinalong
Topic started by Bobbinalong
Just wanted to make a post after yesterday.
I was called into school to talk about my son, I figured it was next terms teachers?
I was in there for an hour and a half, I came out mentally exhausted, why, it appears my son has one or two perceived problems, and I describe them as that because after i have have put my pint of view across it is evident it is to is problem it is of my ex''s household and my sons actions to cope with that life, with me the problems don''t exist.
My message here though is, that a couple of years ago I would have been completely unaware any of this was going on, I wold to have had the opportunity to contribute.
The school hardly knew i existed.
I have kept knocking on the door and at last it seems i am being heard, so to you that are in a similar situation i say, don''t give up, its your kids, the schools these days have to listen to NRP''s and hear what you say and have you contribute to any issues.
I felt pleased how the meeting went, although there was a lot of probing, they needed to do that I guess to understand the problems, it was a lot of going over old ground, old issues, they clearly understood the hardship i had gone through but how I stuck it out for my kids.
I am settled in the knowledge that my son will get the help he needs now and if he doesn''t need it, the full reasons for his behaviour will emerge but the professionals.
I was exhausted yesterday but felt good.

  • jslgb
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10 Jul 12 #342214 by jslgb
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Well done to you for persevering!

I know schools can be cautious in communicating with the NRP parent in order to protect confidentiality etc. Often is the case that RP''s make al kinds of allegations to the school and they have to decide what to do in those circumstances. School''s have a lot of child protection cases to deal with so erring on the side of caution makes sense. Obviously not all schools are like this but having worked in a school where child protection issues were ridiculously high i can understand.

My stbxh doesnt have any involvement in our daughters school but if he decided to i''m sure they would pass on the information.

Glad you were pleased with the outcome and you got to have your input. I''m sure it will make huge changes for your son.

All the best x

  • hattiedaw
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10 Jul 12 #342227 by hattiedaw
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Bobbinalong.
I dont want to speak out of turn but you seem to come across as whiter than white. We only have your side of the story though.
You say your sons problem is because of something going on in his Mums house? Dont you think the school would have known this? Teachers are very perceptive, they''re trained that way so why did they call you in and not mum?
I homed in on this post after witnessing a friend go through hell with her ex contacting the school, making out all problems with the children lay with the Mum and the older children of the household, not once did he acknowledge that the child in questions problems may have come across due to him leaving, pushing a "step-parent" onto the child within days, a new baby within months etc.
Instead of all the "American-ised" rubbish, evaluating every situation, tit for tat with separated parents why cant parents just be parents?
If you were still together there would still be behavioural issues but they wouldnt be made out as so dramatically as you''ve done here.
We live in a blame culture and it makes me sick!
Again, sorry if this upsets you.

  • Bobbinalong
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10 Jul 12 #342233 by Bobbinalong
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hattiedaw, I can see your point of view and understand what your saying.
Its difficult in a short text to purvey the full situation.
You don''t upset me as your not aware of the full facts, which is understandable.
To answer your points..
the school are seeing both of us, they were not aware of his behaviour specifically at either her house or mine, although if I hadn''t have been involved it would have been very one sided.
We are dealing with staff who are above teachers now, professionals who would be able to see through any bitter or untrue allegations on my part, I realise this and am not like this, i openly ask them for help for my sons life, and i admit to them, I am not whiter than white, I am human who has become a parent without a manual and find i am living with a split family and trying my best for the kids.
My ex is a long way from perfect, there is much I bite my tongue on, the drinking, smoking, leaving the kids on their own in the house.
I do not do these things, but that still doesn''t make me whiter than white.
If I had not been expelled from the house, it probably wouldn''t have got to this stage as I would have been able to compromise in the household, as you do, and also seen my son every day.
I am not making out the behavioural issues are dramatic, what i am saying is that NRP''s are kept out of their kids lives so easily and that organisations should, ask that both parents know what is happening with children in any situation unless there is reason for the other parent to not be involved.

  • Confused67
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11 Jul 12 #342459 by Confused67
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Let me throw my 2 cents into this...

I am the NPR, called the school 2 months ago about the children. They were worried about a few issues they have with speech, behaviour etc. We talked in length and I was pleased.

I call a week after, I am told to go talk to my ex''s solicitor. I freak out and get my solicitor to send them a letter. Letter sent and I call again.

They are VERY nice and polite and helpful BUT... in a months time, ALL the issues my kids had DISAPPEARED magicaly and now there is nothing wrong.

DO I trust them? Heh...

Good it works with you Bobb,though. Always nice to hear something positive about cases like this.

  • jslgb
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11 Jul 12 #342481 by jslgb
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Confused, have you requested a paper trail for your childrens ''issues''? As a parent with PR you are entitled to a copy of all paperwork related to your children.

Send a letter, or get your solicitor to send a letter stating you have PR (provide proof if necessary) and as their father you would like to have a copy of all reports/communications sent to you at such an address and that you want to be notified of school parents evenings/productions/concerns. Stress to them in the letter that you are not asking for any information regarding your ex wife and so you dont need to communicate with her solicitor for any reasons with regards to school. You are merely asking to exercise your parental responsibility with regards to your childrens education.

There shouldnt be any reason they can come up with to refuse doing this. If they do, take it to the governing body or LEA.

  • hattiedaw
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13 Jul 12 #342985 by hattiedaw
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On the other side of the coin.
My friends ex harrassed her regarding the information he got off school.
"XXX is behind in literacy" "XXX said a swear word today" "XXX is very disruptive" etc etc etc.
Here was a hardworking RP who was doing her very best.
Her ex put every effort into making out SHE was the cause of the problems.
It was a family support worker, health visitor and police who got involved who managed to stop the allegations.
School stopped talking to the ex (or started giving him very limited info) for this reason, to prevent Mum being verbally attacked and harrassed due to what Dad was finding out.
In reality if a mum and dad are called into school and told "XXX said a swear word today" mum and dad would tell off child, say not to do it again etc but in the case of a lot of separations the OP gets the blame..."oh thats because dad / mum''s a raging alcoholic who smokes like a chimney and takes drugs whist leaving the kids with an underage babysitter while he / she goes clubbing 7 nights a week". The accusary party knows it''s not true but doesnt want to accept blame themselves.
Schools are in a very difficult position when faced with separated parents, especially when it''s acrimonious.
Do you get my point or am I rambling? Lol..it''s been a long week!

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