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Ex and eldest son

  • James53
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07 Oct 12 #359754 by James53
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My eldest son didn''t do well in his GCSEs. The ex, without my knowledge, enrolled him in a BTEC at the local college without waiting to see what his school options were regards resits and A Levels.
Now she is taking him to the Army recruitment office.
How do I get through to her that I am the RP and he goes into the army over my dead body.
If she wants a say in his future may be should cough up with some maintenance.
I take it up to 18 he has to have my permissiion to sign up.

  • fairylandtime
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07 Oct 12 #359757 by fairylandtime
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Hi james53

Know how you feel as neither my eldest or youngest did well in their AS / gcse (first round) and it is a nightmare, as the PWC have got them both a tutor and am trying to take a more active role in their education (h/w nagging etc) so not popular and very skint!


What does your son say? Tbh eldest son is doing a double btec alongside A levels (not my choice, his and had to stand by that) youngest wont stay on at sch (again not my choice but his). Having said all this, it may not be your X''s choice re the betc college / army ... Don''t get me wrong I would be horrified, but if one of mine decided on that route it would be their decision and as a parent of a young adult I would have to stand behind that decision.

Am going through university decisions now with eldest, it''s hard and have to bite my toung (and / or get into a row ... Perhaps more often than not) as the uni he chooses is just that his choice.

Where is the NPR in all this ..... Nowhere, wish he was (or at least appeard) more interested instead of just saying oh never mind it doesn''t matter etc etc.

Perhaps you could write to your x or talk to your son re "his" decisions, had to spend a good few weeks convincing my youngest to go back to sch as he couldn''t see the point with his grades (luckily convinced him), what I would saY about betc now (in hindsight) is they don''t seem as bad as I thought & like As are just a means to an end, the career "they" have chosen.

Good luck JJx

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07 Oct 12 #359758 by fairylandtime
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Apologies james53

Had it that your x was rp not you, whole different story. What does your son say? Does he want to join the army ... Really (some of my sons friends did, worry about them like mad but they seem to be doing well) :)

What I was trying to get to say was that really it should be your son'' s choice, yes we are here to guide but tbh they have to enjoy what they are doing or 1) they won''t finish it 2) they may resent the one who pushed them 3) it may set them back.

Talk to you son, get his feelings on this and perhaps send a polite reminder to your x that you are the PWC and therefore also have a say in what your son wants.

If these are not his decision (army / betc) he must feel horribly confused at a time when it is confusing for them anyway, sit him down, ask him what he wants (forgetting your and your X''s wishes) and then take it from there.

Sorry again JJx

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07 Oct 12 #359760 by James53
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Well this is the first I heard about it when talking to the ex on the phone.
What annoys me is when we were married she took no interest in the kid''s education, she takes no interest now and now feeds these stupid ideas in his head and pays nothing for their upkeep.
I have discussed his future with him and he has never expressed any interest in this. He has taken the sport route as he is good at sports and enjoys doing them.
The thing is I am wasting my time and money pursueing this if at age 18 he takes his mothers prefered option.
I always thought my ex was stark raving bonkers now I have confirmation.

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07 Oct 12 #359762 by fairylandtime
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Hi James53

My x was the same, no interest at all, never went to parents evenings except for just after he left, talk about awkward .. But never since.

All we can do is our best really, must admit I was devastated with my youngest sons gcse grades a b grade student getting e''s with no real reasoning except ... No revision and rushing through the exams. X just said never mind I didn''t get any gcse either!!! Not helpful.

Talk to your son, in the main sports degrees want a science as well, my son and I are finding that now as he is looking at sports degrees.

I know this is hard & tbh you have to trust your son in making the right choice .... Tell him thst he has one of three routes ... Explaine this to him further education, job or army & tell him that you would prefer the further education which can lead to a better job (etc etc) and that really you would prefer not the army as this worries you given the current climate we are in etc... but at the end of the day it is your son ...

He will know you trust him and will stand by him, and hopefully will make a choice that you are happy with also ... Very hard I know, have had simlar conversations with both my sons (luckily generally they have come out ok).

As for your x, it old be that she is doing it on purpose? Or not even thinking or just to rile you. I think that is what my x does but best not to react.

Hopefull your son will release who is there for him, mine seem to they take most x says with a pinch of salt now.

JJx

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08 Oct 12 #359771 by Mitchum
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I agree with fairylandtime James, so just putting a view as someone involved in higher education.

If your son is good at sports and enjoys them, they are two great reasons to encourage him to go down that route!

It''s not really surprising if children experience a blip in exam results when parents are divorcing. You''re right, sometimes all they need is to re-sit and get on the course of their choice a year later.

Even though he didn''t get his predicted grades he may get on a foundation course for a degree. There is a range of different sports qualifications including a degree, diplomas and certificates. Check out the unis offering sports qualifications.

I would also say that any money you''re spending on his education will not be wasted. Investment in our children''s education and time spent supporting them is never wasted. He''s lucky to have your support and concern.

Hope all turns out well for him in the end.

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08 Oct 12 #359772 by James53
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I never can understand this idea of sinking vast amounts of money into our kids to the exclusion of every thing else.
I don''t mind struggling to support his interest in sport but that is money down the drain if he simpley turns around and joins the army.
I am currently paying interest only mortgage and no pension. I have to face up to cutting my losses at some point if my ex continues to interfere and make nil contribution.
I have a smart younger son that I also have to consider.

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