More recently, my ex has started openly criticising my partner for having too much involvement with the children, saying that parenting decisions and choices should be made between the biological parents only. Personally, I disagree, and I value my partner's insight and parenting style much more than my ex's.
Am I right in thinking that when the children are with me how they are raised is up to me and my ex should have no jurisdiction over what goes on in my house? She might not like my parenting style, that I consult with my partner, or that I allow my partner to treat the children as her own (she loves and cares for them as devoutly as I do), including hugging, asking them to do things and chastising if necessary, but surely it's reasonable to expect my ex not to try to interfere with my family life while I have the children?
It's great that your partner cares for your children and wants to take an active role in thier lives. But your new partner is not the children's mother, and while there's nothing wrong in discussing things with your new partner, your ex should be included in decisions about the children. It's true that you can make decisions about how you bring the children up while they in your care - but up to a point.
1. Decisions either parent can take independently of the other without consultation or notification:
· How the children are to spend their time during contact periods;
· Personal care for the children;
· Activities undertaken;
· Religious and spiritual activities;
· Continuing to take medicine prescribed by a GP.
2. Decisions either parent can take independently but of which they must inform the other:
· Medical treatment in an emergency;
· Visits to a GP and the reasons for them;
· Booking holidays during contact time.
3. Decisions which must only be taken following consultation:
· Selecting a school and applying for admissions;
· Contact rotas during school holidays;
· Planned medical and dental treatment;
· Stopping medication prescribed by a GP;
· Attendance at school functions (so the parents may avoid meeting each other wherever possible);
· Age at which children are allowed to watch age-restricted DVDs and video games.
Your question isn't really about delegating PR, but rather how to manage parenting with an ex you don't agree with. Have you heard of Parallel parenting? Parallel parenting grants each parent independence from one another, while still enabling each parent to make child-rearing decisions for their children. With parallel parenting, the parents do not have to consult each other or seek approval when making decisions on their children's behalf. Rather, each parent agrees to let the other parent make their own decisions, in exchange for them being able to do the same. Parents who are able to successfully engage in parallel parenting, acknowledge that high-conflict parenting is much worse for the children than being in agreement with the other parent on parenting/child issues.
You may value your girlfriend's insight more than your ex wife's, but your ex is still your children's mother, and some degree of respect would be appropriate, I would have thought - despite what you feel about her. Your children love both you and thier Mum equally, and generally speaking children have better life outcomes when thier parents manage to work together (or at the least, not against each other).
It's difficult being a step-parent or new partner of a divorcing/divorced person and getting the balance right - one is neither a parent nor just a friend. If one oversteps the mark, they can be seen as undermining the children's other parent, and not being involved too much can look as if they don't care. Tricky.