Should her 21 year old pay rent?

Afraid not, we sold two to buy one!

If I move out then she could change the locks, or maybe I should change them one day, ha:laugh:

Yep this is a case of ''blood is thicker than water'''' and trying to ''''shut the door after the horse has bolted''''.

As said previously we live in different houses and what she does in her own house with her lazy 18 year old is up to her.

It does however skew my thinking a bit which is why I have never suggested we move in together. Its a 2 house situation which in my experience is becoming more common.

You do not say how you split finances. Do you each share bills food and rent/mortgages 50/50 ?

Its interesting that his father coughed up £4k for a car. Knowing how much a car costs to run these days the offer of £50 a week (considering he earns more than you) seems very low. The car will cost more than this !!! Add in a mobile phone etc and his ''luxury'' items will be more than that especially as kids these days demand designer gear.

I will admit that I help my daughter out a lot but she contributed a vast amount to bail us out when the going got tough. Even to the point of taking second jobs.

So where you go is up to you now and you have to make a decision to regain your sanity.

Leave things as they are ?
Renegotiate a higher lodging allowance?
Set a date when he should consider his own place?
Move out yourself ?
Split utility bills /food 3 ways ?

His mother is actually doing him no favours by subsidising his lifestyle as it doesn''t bring kids into the harsh reality of life especially as it won''t be long before he leaves home and has the responsibility of his own relationship.

Polar

You''ve nailed it: we split 50/50 and yes he went out and got a new iPhone at the weekend, although it is a 5s so he is economising.

I can see how she will put him ahead of me but unfortunately it is driving a wedge between us.

I have suggested a three way split but she said she will pay the difference for him, so I said then maybe I should pay the same as him? (that went down well!)

I really see the money as a motivator to get him to move forward but in reality it is just a sideshow and he needs to be part of the conversation.

Having thought about this today (in desperation!) what we need is clarity and a timeframe from him, there is the elephant in the room so maybe i need to break a few eggs to get this omelette made and get rid of the elephant.

Seems to me the real problem is you do not think this was what you signed up for so to speak..but life changes and maybe you have to accept he is going to be living with you for the forseeable future?

I may be in a minority here,but he is 21 not 30 I have no idea where you live or how hard it is to find good quality affordable housing,but in the South East where I am it is nearly impossible,and it does not seem to me at all unreasonable that a 21 year old is living at home.

Secondly maybe your partner likes him there? She certainly seems to want to do all she can to smooth things over and keep him there.

Although my husband and I are blissfully alone at the moment,we are expecting two back soon,one of his and one of mine,aged 26 and 28 respectivly!

We would prefer this did not happen but the circumstances are such that it has to and we just have to accept it and make the best of it!

Yes, on that point she agrees with me that I didn''t sign up for it.

We are in a part of the country where housing is affordable so he could easily get somewhere and sublet or go on spareroom.com

I think I have exhausted all avenues and now need to sit down and find a way of talking it through.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts:)

If you currently split all costs 50/50 then tell your partner that while he is living there you are only prepared to pay a third.

If she chooses to subsidise him then it is up to her.

@Astral

A 21 year old just out of uni may need initial help but they must be aware of living costs from being at uni with a student loan.
It also seems that sunny boy can get £4000 from Daddy for a car so why doesn;t he live with him ?

Nobody says that the son had to work in the area and most kids flee the nest after getting a good job.

My daughter lived with me for a while but by 22 wanted her independence. I kept the FMH with space for her but my x went and deliberately bought a place which wouldn''t accommodate my daughter. (my x certainly had the income and money).

I agree that the mum might like him being around but thats another question to be answered.