Very complex situation

- Wife has 3 children
- I have 2 children
- She moved into my house in September 2014(deposit paid with money left to me and my children after their mum, my wife from first marriage, passed away and I also pay mortgage and all bills)
- Prior to moving in with me she was solely on benefits in a rented house
- Got Married January 2015
- Twins born (premature) September 2015
- So 7 children in total
- Im feeling heartbroken and confused

To summarise reason for recent problems... my wife wasn''t letting me help with feeds etc unless absolutely necessary and would not let me help on overnight feeds at all - however whenever her mum came round (every day and most evenings) she would let her help straight away.Her mum has always made wife want her and not liked me being around to support her. Should have realised life would be difficult after impromptu speech MIL made at wedding saying my wife was only a loan...

A few weeks ago my wife had to take her elder 3 to opticians, I was obviously fully expecting to look after the other 4 but she arranged for her mum to come and get the twins. I couldnt believe it (I''d returned to work that week after paternity leave so was looking forward to spending time with twins) and we had an argument about it but she flatly refused to leave with them with me and i wasn''t going to just grab them and say they''re staying. I also couldnt believe that her mum didnt say that they should be with their dad either and was happy to take them.

ADDED: I did also speak to her only friend to see if she knew if anything was wrong. Her friend didnt mind speaking to me but my wife was NOT happy that I spoke to her. I was trying to find out what was going on in her head as she wouldnt talk to me.

Anyway I kept out of her way for the next day for her to calm down and hopefully see sense but the next day I got a text saying she couldnt live with my 2 children. The children (my 2 and her 3) are very very different, hers have beeen brough up VERY striclty. I''ve always got on really well with her 3 as I''ve made an effort with them and often done things with just her children. My wife never really made the effort for any emotional bond with my 2, she would never leave herself in a situation with just me, her and my 2. She thought doing the cooking and cleaning for them was enough. I never really disputed it as my children seemed happy enough and I like a quiet life. We do have disagreements but she''s not a talker, it''s either do it her way or i do it my way with my own children. I''ve always been a talker to try and resolve differences.

We spoke and agreed that no point carrying on living together as she does not want to live with my children. However, she would not move in with her parents (who have plenty of room) and said if I came back to the house with my children she would put herself and the children (inc twins..) homeless. Obviously I didnt want this so agreed to move to my mum and dads for a few weeks until she could go to the council and sort something out for somewhere else to live. I offered to borrow money off friend to help with deposit, rent etc to start off with.

What is confusing matters is that I dont know if we''re going to be together but live separately, which I was happy to give a go. She constantly says she doesnt know how she is feeling as she has too much on with 5 kids to look after. She wont give any indication of if she wants to be together or not. She wont let me help at the house in any way and I hardly get to see the twins. My son and daughter haven''t seen their own siblings for 2 weeks now. She wont let me have the twins on my own for a couple of hours (would give her some down time too) as she said she''s not ready to leave them on their own but has a few times left them with her mum for 3 or 4 hours.

She wont speak to me on the phone, hardly replies to texts. I understand she''s busy but her whole manner is of someone who isn''t bothered about being with me and is pushing me away but she insists that isn''t the case.

Today she has asked me to register myself at my mum and dads address so we claim child benefit etc separately and she can start claiming other benefits so she can have her own money (she likes going shopping with her mum). I said no way, Im happy for her to use our joint account as there is, at the moment, enough money in there to support both of us but she doesnt want this.

If im thinking with my head rather than heart I think this is only going to go one way now which is complete separation

I need to move back to my house with my children. They have had enough disruption in their little lives and need to get settled. However I dont want to force my wife out with the other children. Tricky situation. Living separately may work and may be the solution but only if she wants it.

I want to see more of the twins but its not something Im going to push her on now as we need to sort us/children out.

Obviously how our relationship is will affect finances (ie living separate but still together as couple she can spend from joint account still but still have her own money. If not together Im going to have pay maintenance or agree on buying stuff for the twins which is fine). She doesnt believe whether we''re together or not will have an effect on this sort of thing and we should completely separate our finances.

And by the way, she''s done something similar before in that her last partner they separated, got back together, she got pregnant asnd then left him again - but had told me (and i obviously believed her) that she was different now.

From the outside she seems normal and nice and the kids are really good and tidy and house is immaculate (tho more from her OCD). She only has 1 friend, apart from her mum. Her mum also has no friends. Strange family. Maybe there''s a few things I should have relaised before getting into this situation.

That turned out a lot more than i was planning to write but I know people like to have some context to situations. In short I want some advice.

My friends say im being trodden over and should just say to her she has 2 weeks to get out but in my mind i still wanted to be with her and not wanting to push things if its going to harm chances but thinking Im getting nowhere being nice to her and she doesnt seem to care so maybe i need to force the situation. She''s offered to move out and i dont think she will change that or ask for any money from the house but considering she''s just asked me to transfer my name on things to my mum and dads im being wary and not sure if she''s stringing me along and im going to end up having a big fall. I want to help her and support her with her children and the twins but also want keep mine and my childrens future secure.

I''d rather not go down any legal battle route, I don''t think i could cope with a battle. Took enough out of me getting over the loss of my first wife (tho guess never totally get over it) to move marry my current wife.

You have had two children which will need support etc albeit financial etc yet you have dependent chikdren of your own which need to be yoyr priority , as they are older and already aware of their surroundings.

i have no idea what you do for a living but do you want to expose your three chikdren from your first famiky to any more emotional damage?

Get out of this situation, I am sure many are going to say she might have post natal depressiin etc but she feeds your first three, washes their clothes and makes the beds......then goes on a spending dpree at asda with the family allowance.2

There is nothing to prevent you from applying for custardy of the tsins but you need to prioritise your children first no doubt legal aid will fund
It

You''re right, it is a very complex situation.

What is clear is that you are very unhappy and she must be too. Reading the posts and blogs on this site you will know just how devastating divorce is, so is there a possibility of family therapy? She’s not hearing you and your voice needs to be heard and in therapy there could be an opportunity for you to communicate.

I suspect you are still grieving for the loss of your first wife. I can see how you are so devastated to realise after such a loss you dreamed that your second wife was going to be your happiness into the future. Not only that, but she doesn''t want to engage with your older children.

You have to be honest with her, but polite, and tell her that all your children are a priority for you and you need to be in all your children’s lives.

It''s very difficult to know what''s going on in her head. Twins are hard work and when all the children are together it’s a huge workload, so it’s hard to see why she’s shutting you out, but perhaps she thinks that to prove she’s a good Mum she has to do it all and can’t delegate. But who knows if she won''t discuss things?

It is natural to let her mother play a major role in caring for the children, what is not natural is cutting you out of the caring process. She needs to let go of her controlling behaviour and let you bond with your children.

I’m suggesting that you be more assertive. However, you will need to feel confident to instigate this process, and this might be difficult in your current state of hopelessness. You are clearly devoted to your children, and their future happiness might be the motivation you need to face the conflict with your wife. Your children will benefit from a father who is able to stand up for his principles and who is committed to his and his family’s wellbeing. Then you and your children will be able to have the relationship you all deserve.

I hope you get a fair outcome for you and your children and I hope in time your wife comes to realise she’s doing your children no favours by being obstructive.

Move back into your house with your two kids ASAP. |It is their home.

If that means she wants to make herself homeless you can''t do anything about that.

Move back in. It is your house and they are your twins as much as hers.
Good luck

So sorry to hear your dilemma, you have all been through so much already. I have to say, as a mum, you must put your older children first and do what is best for them. Im sure legally you will have rights to have contact with your twins. Maybe you need to go to her with the facts and what you want. I don''t know how long you knew each other before you married but im sure you are still grieving so maybe haven''t made the best decision to date, but you have to take back some control for the sake of your children. Maybe talk to your health visitor. They are your twins so you should be able to access doctor/health visitor just as she can. I think it would be harder if she had excepted your children but it appears that she hasn''t, so your not breaking a bond with them, you are all they have, so you have got to be strong for them and yourself. I hope you have good friends and family as they will be best placed to help you through all this. All the best, it sounds like you really deserve a break. Best of luck, stay strong.

Thanks for the replies.

We went out with each for a few weeks about 15 years before we met again - and it turned out during that time we had only been living round the corner from each other. We started seeing each other again Nov 2013 so things have moved quick.

The last few weeks have been so hard as I dont feel I''ve done anything wrong and dont deserve to be put in this situation. I still love her and want to be with her, even if means living apart.

I don''t want to go steaming in there and say Im moving back in, I dont want her to put herself in a Womens Refuge or make herself homeless. I also dont want to just say I''m taking the twins for a couple of hours whether she likes it or not as she''ll get her defenses up completely then and there''ll be no chance of an us and I''m sure will just make things even more difficult than they are.

I''m not getting to see the twins much. I work full time and she won''t let me see her/them in the evening as she''s busy. My son and daughter have not seen the twins in 3 weeks and keep asking to see them.

It''s been difficult to have any sort of conversation with my wife as she says she''s always busy. Last weekend I got an hour with her/twins at our home (it was a push to get her to see me at our home). When I spoke to her she said she say''s I don''t understand what it''s like for her. She has no concern for what it''s like for me. People keep asking me how the twins are, it''s hard.

Tried talking about money, sorting out so she could have her own spending money, which is fine, how I could help her with finding somewhere else and about sorting out whats best for all of us but she said she hadn''t had time to think about it. Little while later, when shad gone to her mums, I got a text asking to transfer Child Benefit payments to her own account. She is badly advised by her mum. I want to help her and do whats best all round but her mum will just advise her what she thinks is best for my wife.

She said she still cares for me but she''s not really showing me. I''m sure things are hard for her but she''s just not saying much to me and just making excuses not to communicate with me. She text me yesterday to say i could call but this was as she was picking up kids from school. didn''t get much of a conversation as she spent most of it talking to the kids then had to go.

The Health Visitor went to see her a few days ago so I''ve left a message for the Health Visitor to call me back. She needs to get some advice on what to do from someone else other than her mum. I''ve told her she can trust me, she knows she can trust me, Im trying to do whats best for all of us.

There will come a point where im tipped over and will just have to do whats right for me and my 2 but im so torn at the moment.