what do i do?

So my husband recently moved out on Friday. I helped him move, things were fine. we saw each other saturday at the kids activities and sat. afternoon the kids wanted to say bye to him before he went away for the weekend (planned before we separated). I dropped him off at the pick up location and he hugged me and told me he loved me. He has always said he loves me. Then sunday morning i found out that he created a tinder account. He previously told me that he has no interest in anyone and he doesn''t want to be with anyone. I didn''t talk to him sunday. monday he stopped by before work to say hi to the kids and he came by monday night after work because I have activities that run late and he has to stay with the kids and put them to bed. he told me that I looked really good and was kind of flirting with me. Today, tuesday i noticed that he deleted his tinder account and he messaged me asking if I wanted to plan a sleep over with him at his new place without the kids. I feel that this is just a booty call, which I would really like, but I don''t want to be hurt. I don''t want to be split up and I don''t want him to be with another woman. I called him and asked him where i stand and if we are dating, or together again and he said no, he just wanted to have fun and show that he is still interested in me. I am confused and lost. I want him and could really use some physical company but i don''t want him to screw me and then go off to find some other girl. help please

Hi Alone,
I am sorry this is happening to you. It’s truly shitty. When you are in the midst of this emotional turmoil it is hard to think logically and clearly. Emotions cloud our judgement especially when it comes to love. I don’t know if your husband has cheated or not but by his actions the intent is there. I or others can’t tell you what to do. That decision has to be yours and yours alone. I can only speak from my experience and what I went through and maybe in some small way it helps.

My ex told me over and over he loved me but then if someone really loves you they wouldn’t cheat, lie, deceive or use? I found reasons, excuses rather, to stay with a man that really didn’t know how to be a good partner. Some of these excuses I had not to end the marriage:

1. He loves me…..Hmmmm…. He may have loved me in his own twisted way but in my view his definition of love and how he expressed it were at total odds with me. If he really loved me he wouldn’t have lied, cheated or more importantly disrespected me by abusing my trust. He would have worked at saving the marriage rather than escaping.
2. I love him. True … I did with all my heart but love isn’t always necessarily enough especially if it’s not reciprocated in the way you want or deserve. Loving someone is wonderful but only if it doesn’t cause you to devalue yourself and accept treatment and behaviour that is completely unacceptable.
3. He is the only one for me – I don’t want to be alone …..WRONG!! My self worth, self esteem was so low that sadly that’s all I thought I deserved. I now know that I’d rather be alone than be with someone who abuses my trust, is an opportunist and treats me with such little respect. I have learnt to be my own best partner. Advocating for myself and making sure that I demand more in terms of how others treat me in all aspects of life. Ultimately in life, a lesson I learnt from all this mess, is that YOU are the dictator of how others treat you in life. You either accept it or don’t.
4. We have a child together….This was what I struggled with the most. In the end I decided that my words also had to match my actions. My daughter was 18 at the time. I couldn’t tell her to heed my advice in life if I wasn’t prepared to live by my own words. I wasn’t in a healthy relationship and I didn’t want her to ever think that she should accept or stay in a relationship built on lies and deceit. What my ex and I were teaching her about marriage was more damaging.
5. I can’t give up on our marriage, if I do it means I failed. For a long time I thought that I was a failure because my marriage of 25 years failed. I thought if I just work at it harder I won’t have ‘wasted’ all these years and eventually my investment would somehow pay off. I know now that just because my marriage failed it didn’t mean that I was one. That took me a long time to ‘get’ too. I was the only one trying to ‘save’ what we had. It takes both parties in order to make things work. If it’s one sided it never does.

I read a quote once that resonated with me ‘we accept the love with think we deserve’. My self esteem and self worth were non existent when my marriage was breaking down and if I am to be honest, way before the sh*t hit the fan too. I didn’t love myself enough or think I was worthy of more than he was giving me.

My advice to you is take time away from all this and think carefully about what you want and deserve. Like I said at the start of this post, you are the only one that knows what’s right for you and sometimes, like I did too, made more of a mess of things BUT in the end all of the mistakes I made helped me see more clearly too.

I wish you well... take care
Free

Hi

Free has sent a clear message with which i agree.

Talk about cake and eat it .

I would take time out and respect myself more. I would be designing my boundries and letting him know those boundries.


d .

Hi I agree with all of the other posts.
My husband has done this to me and it has taken me four years to realise nothing is going to change and it is a soul destroying process to get to this point.
Knowing what I know now I would gone no contact and divorced him four years ago and not looked back.
But I understand where you are right now especially if you don''t want to separate etc.
I urge you to read the book Mr unavailable and the fallback girl.
Try try no let yourself get sucked into this cycle it could be he genuinely is missing you and will realise what he has lost or it could be he has the chance to start dating try a few other relationships and so called freedom out again and just have you waiting for him when he is feeling a bit lonely or just to control you while he decides in case you meet someone else.