hi, new to all of this so forgive me if I lack the short abbreviation lingo in terms of other halves etc.
Basically I'm in the process of separation
from my wife after 5 years. we rushed into marriage and had two great kids who are now 2(nearly 3) and 4 years old. my wife has a lot of issues from depression anxiety to an abnormal fear of being near anyone drinking alcohol... cant deal with anyone tipsy and worse. She doesn't drink and only has a cocktail at best (and doesn't grasp why ppl drink when they're out) We both were very different socially, I had football friends who id go out with for a night out every month and play football sun mornings and a few hrs socialising afterwards. wife could never get involved at all even at the most basic gatherings. She had very few friends and constantly cancelled on ppl. I lost a lot of friends due to her lack of couple interactions especially when a lot of my mates settled down and decided meals out and pubs were more fun than clubbing...and I tend to agree now I'm 31 yrs old lol. I went self employed and did very well for myself but the wife is the kind of person who had spent her wages before she even got them. I had to constantly bail her out and we had recently bought a house with a 50k deposit from my parents. over the years I was able to support us both but she still kept spending and kept trying to set up her own businesses which I funded thinking she would stick at them....she didn't at all in any of them and I lost out money every time. then she fell pregnant, so I had to work a lot harder but she still kept buying shit constantly. The more I earnt the more she spent. anyway my son came and my wife struggled with everything but I tried my best to support her....18 months later our next son is born and the wife was letting every negative aspect of her life rule her despite me doing everything in my power to help her, coming home at 3 in the afternoon most days to do dinner and take the kids etc so she can sleep. I had to be the most positive person in the world every day and I was literally and physically shattered. I had loads of days off so she could catch up with sleep etc but nothing I did seemed to lift her more than a few minutes afterwards. she started getting annoyed at me that I played football a lot a few years before so I had cut down and only played on sundays and went for a quick drink afterwards...that was my only social life. In the last 2 years she tried to stop me playing football or just to alternate it (but anyone who plays for a team knows you cant just turn up whenever and expect to play) so even after explaining all this she kept saying that football came first in my eyes, which she still thinks to this day. apparently i'm not entitled to a few hrs a week to myself that includes my social life as well. Anyway she totally lost any sex drive she had and whenever we did try to spice anything up she couldn't get less involved. she has been an absolutely fantastic mum to our boys who I'm very proud of and love dearly... but she is incredibly child like and cannot seem to grasp an adult life any more. we get on 99% of the time but we have nothing in common hardly at all. we went through 2 marriage councillors which basically showed us how different we are and how many issues the wife has about really normal stuff, she cant even have a chill out glass of wine with me at the end of the day. I put myself into a state of depression for over a year and she didn't even notice. after all the constant support and love I gave her especially throughout the last 4 years with the kids, she still thinks I didn't do anything (or in her words \"I prob just got used to it...\" which proper killed me after everything id done for her and the kids. she put us in serious debt 3 times within 2 years and now ive just had to pay a huge tax bill from all the extra money I had to use to bail us out...again.
Anyway we had both had enough and we decided to separate around last sept. its been really painful for both of us as we are still mates but the things she says and does scares the shit outta me. she has no budgeting power at all and even though i'm renting a house off my parents, she still seems to think i'm going to fund some sort of lifestyle...
we made a killing on our house when we sold and I managed to get my 50k back from the sale and just bought her (for my childrens sake) a 350k house in a nice area near my oldest sons school
. 50\50 split ownership. I love my kids and I would never have them growing up in a dirty council estate scumpit filled with druggies. So this has left me totally skint but its for my kids and I would sacrifice a lot for them. They move in next week after a terrible time with moving house after 4 more people were added to an allegedly chain free deal...but that's another infuriating story..
So my place is still being done up and I move in around a months time so still don't know how much is exactly gonna cost me running two houses and a wife who now refuses to work on the grounds of \"whose gonna hire me for a few hours?? bs.\" but tried to convince me I should give her an \"allowance\" as well as paying for ***** everything! In the nicest terms I tried to explain to her that Brexit means Brexit... we are not together so anything she wants to spend on herself she pulls her finger out and finds a way to pay for it herself. ive even asked her dad to keep tabs on her as hes well aware of her spending problems. Thing is I'm now panicking at the thought of her constantly running out of money and expecting me to pick up the pieces. she even said she might look into getting a new tv on finance cos the one I gave her is wall mounted and she doesn't want a wall mounted one! this is the kind of shit I have to put up with on a weekly basis! she doesn't get it. where doesn't she think this money is coming from?? I earn bloody good money for a tree surgery business and cant believe ive been really stupid by letting my feelings for her cloud my judgement about what's acceptable behaviour in a marriage. I feel so let down by her and myself for letting it get to this but now shes got everything and wants more. I'm seriously stuck and trying to remain amicable is getting tougher. I'm no saint when it come to financial management and ive wasted my fair share of money but I set myself straight a few years back and tried to move on. she got herself a good group of friends who I get on with a lot of the time and they all have the same concerns as me about her money issues. she makes out now that's SHES the one whose gonna have no money lol. I'm really panicking about it all and feel like I'm never gonna be free of her issues.....sorry for the long rant but i'm at tether here
Hello and welcome to wikivorce. Rough road ahead? It seems you've been treading a very rough road for some time. Seriously, and I don't know how you get her to see this, but perhaps that's how her father might help, she needs counselling. Debt counselling and relationship counselling. The hardest part is getting someone to see they need help.
You've quite rightly made it a priority to provide a good home for the children, but she has to see that is in danger if her spending habit continues. Naturally you're frustrated and inevitably these situations end up in conflict.
Can I be very honest and say I would have found it a bit galling if my ex had insisted on his time with the lads when I was home with two children under 4 years. That aside, I think she's crying out for understanding, she's unhappy and so are you. I worry that perhaps she suffered post natal depression, with the exhaustion and feeling negative all the time. But I'm not a medic, it's just a thought.
You say she's a great Mum to the boys and that's to her great credit. You are proud of your boys and love them very much. And that's where I think you have a perfect common goal which might be the solution - your beautiful children and both wanting the best for them.
Persuade her somehow that the way to provide that is to curb spending. As you admit, it's not all her spending which has caused the problem, so is it possible to sit down with her, possibly with a mediator, Dad perhaps, and agree to focus on providing for the children. Agree what you both need to do so that their nice home is secure, that there is money for treats, hobbies and outings and holidays. Encourage her rather than blame.
If it's impossible to have discussions without getting angry and upset, you should consider professional counselling. Keeping the children at the centre of things, work out a plan of how you can make their lives happy and secure. I've got a feeling she may just go for that. It must be realistic and she may slip back from time to time, but better than doing nothing and just being angry all the time.
Hope you can find a solution. Do let us know how you get on.
I probably should have expanded a bit on some of those points about my wife. she has seen various counsellors over the year to combat depression, anxiety and total lack of self esteem regardless of how much everyone telling her how proud they are of her with the kids etc and now she is better off than she was. she did have post natal depression but was already on meds as it was so all I could do was support her. she used to get very anxious when I used to go out with my mates (this was literally once every two months at best) and she had this constant thought process of me meeting someone and just leaving her...again she has some major issues and these are not based at all on any foundation of our relationship. I never once was unfaithful and gave her no reason to believe it. and she knew it was totally irrational but still couldn't change how she felt if I went out. So to stop her feeling like this I eventually stopped going out completely. After some couples counselling its was advised that I should go out more as I was getting more miserable and she felt guilty that she was the cause of that. so as long as I came back and didn't stay over a mates house (which as she hates drinking was sometimes the case for me to do on her wishes) then it would be ok. unfortunately by this point id lost a lot of my friends and as a few of them had now settled down a bit it was difficult to just get anyone out even for a few at a local pub. ive never been one for clubbing but I like the social aspect of going out in the bars etc. So still didn't really go out and I only had sunday mornings to play football the only outlet of my whole week. I have always been very sporty and active and needed this kind of thing to actually enjoy my life, but the wife just saw it as a football thing. even after explaining about how much I love playing with my mates and how it lets me blow off steam after a hard week, she still saw it as putting me first. this has been a regular difference in our relationship as being self employed and having staff to do my work ive been able to have a lot of time off with her and the kids and coming back early etc. again she only wanted to pick holes in the only aspect of my life I enjoy. unfortunately I broke my ankle at football about 15 months ago and haven't played football since, so even after not even going anywhere she still has issues with me having \"me time\" regardless of everything I do. I even paid for her to go on a two week cruise a year ago while I stayed at home and looked after the kids but even that she didn't appreciate. I don't think she liked the fact that I coped well with the kids so her always going on how tired she was and how hard it was all the time suddenly didn't hold as much weight in her mind. even when our kids were babies we still took it in turns for feeds etc even though I had to leave at 5 in the morning and climb trees all day and run a business dangerously overtired. she didn't see that as an issue, especially how our first son slept most the time day and night but she was still tired all the time anyway. 2 kids was tough on both of us and money started to dwindle a bit as I was trying to help her out at home at least 2 days a week for about 6 months but she still kept spending and saying how she \"needed\" this and that. I went through depression untreated, not realising it was depression at the time and she took no notice about any of my feelings at all. we have had discussions about the kids and that's our common ground keeping them secure but its all the extra bs she thinks she needs. i have had to work really hard the last year to get us out of debt even selling my pride and joy sports car id had from before we got married. again doesn't mean shit to her, shes got her new car, her dog, her possesions etc and ive got nothing. i feel like ive sacrificed everything and shes not done anything at all to make this relationship work, that's the frustrating bit and i end up footing the bill. so now I'm left without hardly any mates, cant play sport and with a few bad work injuries that have stopped me from climbing now so i have to try and get in more staff. and skint...
the only positive is that my kids are well looked after and cared for with a nice house and gets to see their dad a few times a week and stays over every other weekend for a few nights. but as far as money goes it makes my feel sick at the thought that my wife has got it made after all the shit she got us into and made no effort to make our relationship work.
Focus on the positives about your kids being well cared for, you will rebuild your life but it takes time. Maybe some counselling for yourself to let off steam about the situation might help then you can keep
mediation to sort finances and arrangements for the children focused rather than using them as a chance to have your say - that's paraphrasing good advice I was given that it's cheaper to pay a counsellor than to use a solicitor's appointment to talk about anything other than the legal stuff that needs to be sorted.
to make matters worse she just part exchanged our/her car I about 3.5k under market value for something else cos apparently she needed to raise some money for carpets and decorating even though I have given her money to do that and shes getting mates rates from the friends shes using to decorate etc. she just raised about 1200 quid and lost 3.5k! no consulting anyone about it first, just did it! she cant haggle to save her life and she went in saying car was damaged cos of a crack in the indicator lens and a very small dent.... not exactly damage but this is the kind of thing she thinks devalues a car massively... few hundred quid to fix at most. I got out a homeowner loan to pay off a load of finance things we had last year, this car included as it massively reduced the cost... and I'm still paying it off and she does something like this! i'm so angry at her and she still thinks she got a good deal! so pissed off and totally out of my control to stop her