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1st Relate session - whats the point?

  • Kaito
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3 years 3 months ago #494606 by Kaito
Just been to an initial relate session with my husband. We've talked gradually over the last few months about how wrong things have been for years. Mainly driven by me and how I'm unhappy I am and my feelings having changed over the years.

Originally he suggested relate but I said I didn't see the point as after we had talked so much and how I know I feel, I didn't think there was any point.

So he talked about moving out and has been sorting out a rental, but suggested we still try a relate session as well.

I thought this might be more about how we move forwards, however, all that happened was we went over the same conversations in front of another person, and started to argue.

Then when I raised about him moving out he just ranted about not losing his family and why should he be the one to move out.

I know he must be worried about our two kids who are 7 and 5, as he lost contact with his son with his ex wife years ago and he was eventually adopted by her new husband.

The session ended with them trying to get us to arrange follow up sessions, but I didn't really see the point in terms of trying to resolve things.

He just said, if i didn't want to try then that was it - that there was no point in making any more appointments. I tried to say perhaps we should have a session or two to discuss the way forward but he didn't see the point in that.

Cut a long story short, it ended with them suggesting one session with each of us on our own. We've not booked them and will look to phone up.

What I'd be interested to hear is any suggestions on how I should be looking to progress this?

I've been trying to do this as gentle as possible. But is there really any point to the relate counselling?

I understand my husband doesn't want to lose the kids, which I don't want to happen either, but I can't continue with how things are. i'm worried by his outburst today, as I thought he was getting ready to move out and now I'm wondering whether he really is. How should I address this without seeming to pushy in trying to get him to leave.

Any thoughts or experiences to share would be great


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  • Under60
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3 years 3 months ago #494609 by Under60
Replied by Under60 on topic Re:1st Relate session - whats the point?
I had to suffer a relate meeting, after I had left. There really wasn't any point. Mine too went balastic, nasty, aggesive etc. The upshot of ours was she couldn't help. I think they tend to do things like my husband had an affair, but changed his mind, how do we patch it up scenario.
You don't need relate, you need a solicitor for divorce and financial arrangements. This will involve a mediation meeting. This is probably what you are looking for. It is when you discuss and agree nicely how things are to be sorted out. However if yours also loses his rag, doesn't listen, gets all controlling etc then this won't work either.
I would suggest go to the compulsory mediation meeting, then decide from there. Good luck :)

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  • Mitchum
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3 years 3 months ago #494612 by Mitchum
Replied by Mitchum on topic Re:1st Relate session - whats the point?
I have never been in your situation, as I didn't have young children at the time of my divorce, but from reading thousands of posts over the years I've been in wikivorce, I have seen how parents facing losing daily contact with their children can react.

They are fearful of not seeing their children for all the daily ups and downs of family life, the getting up and the going to bed; the laughs and the tears; playing and reading stories etc and yes, the struggles over bath time, brushing teeth and homework. They realise they are losing 'family life' and it scares and distresses them.

Can you come up with a plan of how to minimise the alientation he may feel at the thoughts of not being in their daily lives? That may allay his fears that he's going to miss out on so much over the next few years. With children aged 7 and 5, there is still a lot of childcare to do and together you can hopefully share the highs and lows of being loving parents, but who no longer love each other.

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