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In a real mess. . .any advice?

  • emmjay
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2 years 9 months ago #499579 by emmjay
In a real mess. . .any advice? was created by emmjay
My wife and I have been married for 8 years, and we have 3 young children, 2, 5 and 7 and whilst we have already argued, and I have said some hurtful things, as she has done too, I never dealt with resentment well- for the last 7 years of our marriage we have been together, but she has always basically been pregnant or with a babe in arms so to speak, and over time, Us as a couple suffered. Hindsight is a wonderful thing I know, and some of the words I would use hurt her. I never raised my hand to her, and I do love her.

Fast forward to this Christmas just gone, and I thought we had a wonderful time, children were happy as Larry, and although I know we have been drifting for a long while, never in a million years did I think she would be unfaithful.

She told me she no longer loved me, and she was in love with another man. She left with the Children to go to her mums, It was really hard as her parents took this new man into their home and he even bathed and put my children to bed, I was so angry confused and upset. I was beginning to get my head around the fact that no matter what I say I cannot control how she feels, however, a week later she came home, as I do still want things to work.

Since she has been back however, she has been really distant and has given me no clues as to what she wants to do, and I know for sure she has had not just an emotional relationship with this guy, but also an intimate sexual relationship.

She is acting like a woman I don't know, as she told me it was over, I know that if I confront her it will more likely drive her further away, and I have sought counselling for myself, and also spoken to our priest- he says it is early days and he hoes that she begins to see what she is doing is wrong- but she seems addicted to this new man :(

We both own our home, and have little in the way of assets or spare cash as she is a stay at home mum, and part of me thinks- as hard as it is- sit it out for the sake of the children and hope she comes to her decision soon, because as I see it she can either: Stay and fight for the Marriage, Make the decision it is over and speak to me or carry on the affair and maintain the status quo- obviously I am not too enamoured at option 3, but what can I do?

I can see my faults in the relationship, and whilst the arguments involved hurtful words and actions on both sides, I have accepted my responsibility in all of this and am seeking counselling.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do, as I am so confused right now. . .thanks :dry:

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  • Clawed
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2 years 9 months ago #499584 by Clawed
Replied by Clawed on topic Re:In a real mess. . .any advice?
So sorry you find yourself here micklar but the support and information is wonderful so I'm glad you found us.
You may not like my reading of the situation (and it is only my opinion) but it sounds to me like your wife has taken advice and returned to the marital home simply to protect her right to live there. With 3 young children she will need somewhere to live if you decide to divorce, it can take quite a while so it makes sense for the children to stay in their own home. You too should take advice about your rights to live in the house as I think if you move out you may not be able to return (I was advised that once my husband moved out my right to privacy out weighed his right to return to live in the marital home - he could afford to rent and I could afford the mortgage so that may have influenced the situation). Sitting tight to see what happens sounds like a sensible approach while you gather information.

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2 years 9 months ago #499585 by Under60
Replied by Under60 on topic Re:In a real mess. . .any advice?
You reap what you sow.
As you have treated her so badly, said hurtful things whilst she was either pregnant or looking after small children, it is no wonder she left.
She probably came back as was told she should stay in the marital home.
I would prepare yourself for a divorce petition and settlement request.
Hopefully you have learnt from this, and will treat any future partner with much more respect?

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  • polar
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2 years 9 months ago #499586 by polar
Replied by polar on topic Re:In a real mess. . .any advice?
@under 60
I feel that your comment is rather harsh unless you personally know the couple.

You don't know what the arguments involved or why. Its normal for couples to argue in relationships.

It is often normal for a confused party to question their behavior. They then make judgments about themselves which have no real foundation.

What is not normal is for a woman with three kids to fall into someone elses arms and then use the kids as ammunition.

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2 years 9 months ago #499590 by Under60
Replied by Under60 on topic Re:In a real mess. . .any advice?
@Polar
The question was \"Does anyone have any advice.\" So I gave some.

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  • emmjay
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2 years 9 months ago #499595 by emmjay
Replied by emmjay on topic Re:In a real mess. . .any advice?
No you didn't you made a judgement. You are entitled to your opinion however, I know there are always 2 sides to every story, but to say you reap what you sow is a little wide of the mark. And yes, in all this mess I am looking back and thinking \"I could've done this\" or \"shouldn't have done that\" but we are where we are.

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2 years 9 months ago #499596 by polar
Replied by polar on topic Re:In a real mess. . .any advice?
This site is designed to help people. It does not judge.
Everyone on here finds themselves in a position that I am sure that they never thought that they would find themselves in.

Legal and emotional questions abound during divorce and both parties need help in all directions to keep them sane. I know I did.

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