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Disclosure of sexuality

  • autumn9
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7 years 10 months ago #343930 by autumn9
Disclosure of sexuality was created by autumn9
Interested to hear others opinions. Recently wrote to my ex husband with relation to concerns the two children (girls aged 9 and 8) had raised with regard seeing text messages on his mobile phone from his partner. He answered my concerns with "I WILL NOT CONCEAL IT FROM THE GIRLS". The children are returning home from contact upset and distressed. Where do I go from here? Any advice?

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  • sexysadie
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7 years 10 months ago #343933 by sexysadie
Replied by sexysadie on topic Re:Disclosure of sexuality
Is the problem that your ex is concealing his sexual orientation or the fact that he has a partner?

It''s not really appropriate for the children to see texts between your ex and his partner of whatever gender. However, if this is a new same-sex partner then I can imagine that he would feel defensive and want to be open about the situation. If this is the case it may well be difficult for the children to cope with for a while but he is right to want to be open with them.

I think you need to tackle him about them having sufficient access to his phone to read texts. This isn''t appropriate. If it is a matter of his sexual orientation then he needs to understand that it will take time for the children to get used to it but you also need to make it clear that you will support him and them in this.

Maybe some counselling for the children could be organised through school when term starts again? It can be difficult as primary school playgrounds are pretty homophobic, but lots of children have gay parents these days and it''s not a problem long-term.

Aplogies if I''ve got this completely wrong...

Best wishes,
Sadie

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  • dukey
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7 years 10 months ago #343940 by dukey
Replied by dukey on topic Re:Disclosure of sexuality
Surely the job of a mother and father is to protect love and nurture the children they bring into this world, is that not about right?, do parents not put their children before their own needs, most do.

So marriages end, we are all here for that very reason, why it happens and how is pretty much matter of fact, it happened, but after that is it not a case of damage limitation with children, did they cause the breakdown of the marriage, nope, we have two small children here who are probably upset and not a little confused, do they really need to know the sexual preferences of their dad? will they understand of course not, at their age boys are nothing but nasty icy fools.

There is a time and a place for these issues, children are by their very nature inquisitive, questions asked by a small girl i knew, how do squirrels climb trees without a ladder? why does a swing swing? why is the man with the big nose brown? (he was sat behind us on the train, thankfully he took pity on me and explained)

Ok so these children are older but they will have questions and they will talk to their friends, they will tell their parents and any which way you look at this kids at school can be very cruel indeed.

Personally i don`t see why discretion can`t be used, or should have been used, bit late now though.

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  • Emma8485
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7 years 10 months ago #343946 by Emma8485
Replied by Emma8485 on topic Re:Disclosure of sexuality
I agree with both posts above. I think (and i could be wrong) that there are two issues here.

One is the issue over Dads sexuality. That must have been a real blow to you, and I really feel for you. I also feel for the children, because I do agree that they should know the truth, but they are also dealing with their parents marriage ending, which is a double whammy for them and this has to be approached with sensitivity.

Same sex parents are more common now, and when approached in the right way children can adjust, but these children are very young and their parents have got divorced so they will be extremely sensitive, but then I agree also with Sadie in that Dad will also possibly be quite defensive if he feels he is being attacked.

The second thing for me is that no children, irrespective of the sexuality of their parents partner should have access to their phone in order to see anything untoward. My daughter has seen the odd text from my partner saying "Grab some milk on your way home" but she certainly wouldnt be prviy to anything else. There are phone locks and all sorts now. It does depend on the nature of the texts of course as well.

Do you have the ability to still communicate with each other in order to discuss the children?

xx

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  • autumn9
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6 years 5 months ago #416807 by autumn9
Replied by autumn9 on topic Re:Disclosure of sexuality
A year and a half on and this is still continuing. The girls now 11 and 9 are still very distressed and the eldest now stating wants no contact with father because of. They do not need to know the ''ins and outs'' of anyone''s relationship and my ex continues to share more and more on a regular basis. It is becoming so difficult that the eldest now wants to move to a school out of the local area for fear that her friends are going to find out. I have tried raising the issue with ex but am just told get on with it and stop being so homophobic; shame he cannot put his daughters feelings first. Any suggestions welcome with this delicate situation.

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  • juliette0307
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6 years 5 months ago #416831 by juliette0307
Replied by juliette0307 on topic Re:Disclosure of sexuality
no matter what age, orientation or situation your parents'' sex life is just too cringingly embarrassing to even think about it!!!!
It''s also inappropriate for a young child to know details of sexual relationship, inmy opinion.
Yes, he has partner, yes, they are in love, end of story.

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  • pixy
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6 years 5 months ago #416834 by pixy
Replied by pixy on topic Re:Disclosure of sexuality
When younger one of my daughters did a a project on gay adoptions for a sociology course. As part of this she did a survey of attitudes amongst her classmates. Guess what? At a school with a very mixed intake (whether judged by class, ethnicity or academic performance) there was virtually universal support for gay adoption but equally a universal belief that ''others'' would make life difficult for a child with same gender parents. In other words everyone thought homophobia was rife, but their belief was unfounded.

That your ex loves another man must be devastating for you. It doesn''t need to be for your children, who are scarcely old enough to understand the realities of sexual relationships. They may get a few odd remarks when their classmates find out, but it will soon blow over, especially if they are robust enough to support his choice.

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