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He''s taking it out on the kids

  • supermum2000
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6 years 7 months ago #424104 by supermum2000
He''s taking it out on the kids was created by supermum2000
I''m in a tricky situation any advice much appreciated. In the middle of court hearings following divorce. Ex doesn''t want to give full financial info and has for over a year pestered me for lump sums of money on and off despite signing a separation agreement. Ex also turned down mediation .
Now despite my doing everything I can to keep it all from the kids he''s only gone and told them he''s been to court but also told them it''s all my fault, I made him go, I''m taking all his money, I won''t give him the house etc... You name in. He also grills the kids constantly when they are there and criticises everything they say about me.
I believe this is common in divorce and apparently no one will do much unless the kids admit it''s going on. The kids are upset especially the eldest as he is constantly moaning about me and making me out to be taking all his money when the maintenance I get doesn''t even cover food.

I just want the kids to be left alone and kept out of it but if I say anything he will probably do it more to get at me..,
Anyone any advice on how to deal with this without making things worse .. In on the verge if ringing ex up and going ballistic because of how it''s affecting the kids. I''m considering asking him again to try mediation although due to the history of the relationship I don''t really want to be anywhere near him but I would try for the sake of the children..,
Has mediation worked for anyone else?
Thank you

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  • Vastra1
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6 years 7 months ago #424115 by Vastra1
Replied by Vastra1 on topic Re:He''s taking it out on the kids
The sad irony is he''s trying to hurt you and get the kids on his side, but will actually be hurting them most. I''m grateful that my STBX agreed to keep our disagreements / negotiations to ourselves, and to not criticise each other in front of the kids. Disclaimer: I am not perfect and still make sour comments about his new life and his OW but realise it''s not helpful for them and keep trying to bite my tongue.
I''m not sure in the UK what the mediation involves, but here if you instigate mediation , the other party has to comply, and it includes a mandatory parenting session (not with the other parent of course) where counsellors explain the impact of separation on kids, and that what seems to upset them most is being subject to the kind of criticism of the other parent that he is heaping on them. Do you think he might listen to someone professional and neutral, especially if you are offering to do it too? And maybe mediation would give him an outlet to air his grievances to you but with the safety of a third party.
Suggest you don''t ring him, it may only inflame things further. I doubt it would change his mind, and you may just end up more upset and angry. On good wiki advice I avoid phone or text and only email now about important stuff and make it business-like and (hopefully) devoid of all the emotions that I would love to offload.

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  • supermum2000
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6 years 7 months ago #424116 by supermum2000
Replied by supermum2000 on topic Re:He''s taking it out on the kids
Thank you for the reply, it''s not mandatory here for mediation but I''ve spoken to a mediation company who''s emailing him to offer the mediation on my behalf and will follow it up with a letter next week. No reply as yet but it''s only been a day or two.
I think he''s trying to use the children to pass messages/ anger on to me because he had a chance at last hearing to try and sort things out and wouldn''t so it''s backfired now . Also doesn''t help that he''s telling the children his girlfriends wanting to kick him out because if me .., ridiculous I know but there''s no end to the poison.
He was threatening to take me to court for months and as a last resort after months of being pestered for money I applied to court myself because I couldn''t see any other option and I just wanted it sorting out. I offered him mediation twice beforehand he refused. That was 12 months ago and as you can imagine I''ve had a year of him saying things to the children.
I really wish he would leave them out of it they don''t need the stress.

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  • NL_sadincheshire
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6 years 7 months ago #424123 by NL_sadincheshire
Replied by NL_sadincheshire on topic Re:He''s taking it out on the kids
Hey supermum2000
bless you! you are going through he wars :angry:

here is the thing, in the same situation i have been using 3 tactics

1) my ex chastises our (9 year old!) son Physically when he stays with him. my son is very loyal and doesn''t want it known generaly. so every event he tells me about i record and compile a little notebook that i will eventually show to social services /my GP/ school if it caries on. the last month my son said nothing has happened so i believe him. i just can''t bring it to anyone''s attention right now as my son is unlikely to corroborate publicly... adores his dad in spite of everything... specifically asks me to tell no one

2) i make sure that my son sees my action and is clear on what i do (paying bills, school clubs, trying to buy a property as FMH was sold, organise play dates etc i.e. things to look after him and I), so that this alone can put seeds of doubts over what his dad says about me...i figured: if he observes me being a good person, he will take his dad''s words with a pinch of salt

3) i do not contact his dad for a slanging match. though i burn to do it particularly when he does something physical/emotional to my son.. however i make it clear to my son that we are not to be victims: A) i tell him he has a choice and if he says he doesnt want to go he doesnt have to, B)when his dad has confronted me at a handover, everytime i have told him exactly what i think of him (and felt no fear as our CONTACT ORDER stipulates ''hand overs in public places'' so he can''t touch me! I''m afraid i have said rude thing to him (like you say- i''m not perfect either and sometimes the last drop is just that) but at least my son can appreciate that it has never been me to instigate hostilities... on the contrtary i avoid havong to see his father as best as i can

well.. rant over
i hope this gives you some ideas nonetheless
SIC

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6 years 7 months ago #424154 by supermum2000
Replied by supermum2000 on topic Re:He''s taking it out on the kids
Thank you sadincheshire , I''m sorry to hear what you are going through. It''s do hard isn''t it when there''s children involved. here''s me thinking the separation was the hard part but it''s the aftermath.
I''d love to have no contact whatsoever but difficult when there''s children involved. Have also received harrassment / angry texts on and off as ex is very up and down (has been for years)

I will remain to keep notes and see what happens as I''ve been in touch with a mediator which he refused last time as didn''t want to pay for it but I''m giving it a try and the mediator is writing to him as I want to help the children.

Very mixed emotions, one minute I''m thinking right let''s sort this out , hash it all out and hope that it will help stop him ripping me to pieces to the kids and the next I''m thinking about how badly hes treated me for the last few years .

There''s no easy answer is there

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6 years 6 months ago #424196 by NL_sadincheshire
Replied by NL_sadincheshire on topic Re:He''s taking it out on the kids
Hello supermum2000
Thank you for the words of support xx
Exactly as you say! So up and down, such a shame as you event start doubting there were ever any good years
Also wonder about my own judgement to have been with someone so emotionally cold for so long
But no matter, we are coming out of it now though hey?
Whichever solution you can decide on, please don''t beat yourself over whether it''s the 100 pc best one...like you say no easy answer..
(((Hugs)))

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  • justlost
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6 years 6 months ago #424702 by justlost
Replied by justlost on topic Re:He''s taking it out on the kids
Sounds very familiar to me mine does exactly the same stuff it is truly rotten. Slagging back just puts them in the middle so try your best to keep calm whatever they say.

I''ve learned the hard way so on the advice of my councellor I don''t apologise for his behaviour any more i used to say "im sorry you are being put in that position" to them but now say things like "oh dear that must have been difficult for you".

Its very hard and I long to let rip at him at the damage he is doing but staying calm and not retorting will do you more good in the long term.

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