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Controlling family and 14 year old!

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3 years 4 months ago #492090 by harrassed
Controlling family and 14 year old! was created by harrassed
Hi-I have been divorced for 10 years now but not only have I had to contend with an awful ex my own parents and family have been hard work too. They constantly interfere, criticise and undermine me in front of the children. Fortunately 3 out of the 4 have grown up and can see my pain. However my youngest, who is 14, is now the centre of their attention and my relationship with her is difficult.
As the divorce was so messy....it is all on here as this site really helped me at the time, I did not go through court for the children. My ex and I have enjoyed shared care with nothing in writing and I presume that we both have equal parental responsibility even though I have done and continue to do all of the parenting. The kids have had the benefit of seeing both mum and dad daily...when he is about....and my youngest stays with her dad more often than not.
Every year I have managed to take all of them abroad on holiday. This year my dad would like to pay for my 2 girls to go away with my mum who has had a mental breakdown, and my sister and bf. My other brother was asked but declined. My sister spends a lot of time with my youngest but bad mouths me a lot as I have recently discovered. I have not been asked along!
I v politely declined so as a result my family have not only gone to my ex but to my girls too. He has never taken them on holiday but has accepted their invite. I have explained to my youngest my reason for saying no and as she is only 14 I have every right to.Neither her father or I will be there. Of course she is furious with me and my ex has told her he will be able to get hold of her passport via the courts. We have no court order in place. I feel very hurt that my family have done this and very anxious that I may have a fight on my hands. Does he have a chance of getting her passport legally and is it too late to go down the road of custody battle for my youngest....not that I have much fight left?
I am flabbergasted that my family have done this. To me it is not an invite but an order. Any help to calm my nerves will be much appreciated. Thank you.

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3 years 4 months ago #492096 by spinit
Replied by spinit on topic Re:Controlling family and 14 year old!
At 14 and with the situation you describe as in your child is under no threat of harm, your ex is not trying to take your child to live in another country and is unless I've misunderstood actually going on holiday with other members of your family. A court will order you to hand over the passport as essentially you are stopping her going on holiday because you personally are maybe rightly upset about the situation and how this makes you feel rather than thinking about how the child may feel if you were to stop them being able to go on holiday with their family.

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3 years 4 months ago #492097 by harrassed
Replied by harrassed on topic Re:Controlling family and 14 year old!
Thanks for your reply but I am taking her and my other children away on holiday as I always do. My mum is not mentally well enough, in my opinion, and it is a huge responsibility for her. My sister and bf will be in another hotel.Do I not have the right to refuse? In addition a request for my daughter to go has in reality become an order and I find this disturbing. The fact that she has been involved after I refused the offer is also detrimental to my relationship with her.

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3 years 4 months ago #492099 by spinit
Replied by spinit on topic Re:Controlling family and 14 year old!
You do have a right to object but you would have to frame your objection in terms of the potential threat to your daughter as in your mother is too unwell to take care of her. If you start mentioning things like \"a request for my daughter to go has in reality become an order and I find this disturbing\" you will not get anywhere as essentially your objection to your daughter going on holiday with your ex is based on you being upset at being told to do something. I hope you get my point that your objection has to be based on the best welfare of your daughter and nothing to do with how you personally feel and I struggle to see how you could bring in how this argument is having a detrimental effect on your relationship with her as the counter argument would be that you yourself are causing this problem by raising an objection in the first place.

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3 years 4 months ago #492100 by harrassed
Replied by harrassed on topic Re:Controlling family and 14 year old!
My ex is not going on the holiday. If he were I would not have an issue. My point is that my parents have made a decision regardless of my point of view. Just doesn't seem right to me. Thanks

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3 years 4 months ago #492102 by maccy2
Replied by maccy2 on topic Re:Controlling family and 14 year old!
Hello. I don't know whether I have misunderstood but are you saying that the family want your daughter to go, as does your ex, but he will not be there? If this is the case and you have concerns that the adults caring for her cannot manage, then there is no reason why you cannot politely refuse. It might be different if your ex was taking her in his time, but that does not appear to be the case.

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3 years 4 months ago #492103 by maccy2
Replied by maccy2 on topic Re:Controlling family and 14 year old!
The timing of my last reply clashed with yours - I see that your ex is not going. You don't need to ask for permission to refuse your family's offer. I am sure that they don't expect you to make decisions on their behalf. Perhaps make it abundantly clear that in future they are not welcome to go behind your back! It is hardly in your daughter's interests to have her mother undermined and it can cause more uncertainty for her.
I would also put a stop to any badmouthing about you to your daughter. This is very irresponsible.

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