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06 Oct 08 #54240 by rhiannon555
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now into third month since break up, just about holding work together, but bursting into tears as soon as im in the car between meetings etc. get home cry more, feel so hopeless . get to sleep but wake at 3 am - almost exactly every night. am living in the house but estate agent coming to value on wed. torn between needing new start and saying goodbye to place that has brought up my children and stepchildren. just cannot believe im going through all this again. went through it in my early thirties with childrens dad and now partner of 15 years ended it. has new girlfriend and his flat and well paid job. im better off than many as i have a job - if i can hang onto it, and i will get half of the house after mortgage paid. but just dont know where to go or what to do. have friends round here, lots of support, lovely parents that live in london and are nearly 80 but have been up for four days to help clean the house for estate agents and were just so supportive. and all i can do is cry and cry and not see any future all options feel desolate and lonely. ex was quite well known , very confident , earnt good money and now there is just me and i feel completely inadequate and pathetic. i used to be confident, lively bubbly , strong was that all just a sham. sorry to rant i know there are so many others far worse off , i keep thinking that tomorrow i might feel better, feel myself. i knew the relationship had problems and had thought in the past about what i would do if but the reality is overwhelming.

  • ciaobella
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06 Oct 08 #54271 by ciaobella
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Hi Rhiannon,
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this awfull time. It sounds and I know from experience the most desolate and horrific of places to be.
You are still that confident , bubbly person inside, its just that you have lost sight of her and are going through so much pain at the moment.
You can't try and sort everything out physically, and even more demandingly, emotionally, all at once. You have to stop and think...what are you ready to deal with now? Just do what you really have to do. Why do you have to sell the house or put it on the market so quickly, who is deciding all this? Is it him?, Are you in a fit state to do all this now? You have to look after yourself, you are worth it. You say you knew there were things in the marriage that weren't right, but it takes two, and if one partner doesn't want to make any sort of effort, that doesn't mean you are to blame in any way.
I know how you feel, my ex left for another woman after 18 years and now 1 year later I still find it almost impossible to think or even talk to him. I have finally decided to put the house on the market, but its still very painfull, but in small bite size pieces I can cope with a little at a time. I used to wake at 3am too, every single night, cry everytime I was in the car or in the toilets at work.
What helped me in the very early stages of being rejected was reading 'How to mend a broken heart' by Paul Mckenna. I desperately wanted to be told how to get through just one day, and it taught me techniques to get through the impossible parts of each day. I also took some herbal sleeping aids, as I didn't trust myself with prescription tablets, and beleive me they all helped me get through, a bit at a time.
YOu need to use as much as you can to help you get through this very bleak period of your life and emerge as the confident , happy person you are.
I hope you come to ralise that this site is one of the most caring, safe places to confide in people , and who know exactly how you feel and can help you get through it. I know personally that had I not found it, I wouldn't be where I am now... On the road to recovery, as you will be with time.
Take care and PM me anytime if you want to just moan or cry or whatever.
Lots of ((((((hugs))))))
Louisa xxx

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06 Oct 08 #54274 by Sera
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When there are resident children, it is unlikely that the house would need to be sold.

I'd call the Estate agent in the morning and say you're not well enough for his visit! Who says that it will be sold????

If you are giving in to intimidation; don't do anything until you have had some legal advice; or at least learnt from experience from other wiki users.

If you're legally married; but only his name on the Deeds; you have rights and can register matrimonial home Rights (either directly on the Land Registry website or on-line). If you're not married (?) you may have rights for yourself and the children to be housed.

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06 Oct 08 #54298 by cindygirl
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Welcome to Wikki. I'm sorry you feel so depressed about all of this, please know you're not alone, we are here to help you through this difficult time. Many of us have been replaced by someone else & yes, it hurts like hell for a while, but it DOES get better, i promise. I have up & down days, lately i;m having more up days & feel stronger again, you will too. Just hang in there & keep posting.
Cindy

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07 Oct 08 #54365 by rhiannon555
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thank you , we were not legally married, and there was an agreement for 60/40 in his favour originally as i had less capital and he earnt more money . he has agreed to 50/50 and i have that in writing but there is a mortgage to be paid off. he waited until his children were both off to uni / i was always here for them and they lived with us 4 nighs a week as their mum had an alcohol problem and has paid for flats for them to live in my sons are 22 and 19 so cannot keep the house for those reasons. it is quite a big house and too big for just me and my youngest son has just gone to university and my older one is here now and saving to go travelling and then to college;) . so they really just need a bit of a base with me in between. before i moved in with him 12 years ago i had a nice little house, that i could financially manage. i am worried now at 51 that i must keep my job together as will need to get another mortgage but the state im in i just dont know whether i can. i am having a week off next week and am going to stay with some good friends. he has said that he will pay the mortgage here until february and then the house has to go on the market but i can live here "rent free" until then but also added that i will have to pay all the bills as he did not want to make things too comfortable for me. he always had a way of being very kind and helpful and then suddenly very mentally/emotionally cruel/ cold and withholding. he told me originally before i found out about the ow that this was for my own good so that i could grow and that we were holding each other back and that this would be a great new beginning for me. so a sort of patronising, im doing this all for you. im just finding it difficult living in a house down a track on my own, even though he had been away 4/5 nights a week for the past couple of years at least. last night i woke up at three again shook and felt sick until about 6 and then gave in and took a diazapan so at least i feel a bit blank now and my mind has stopped racing with fear. he writes me very business like e mails concerning house repairs etc. , when people are coming to do things to get the house ready to be sold. i dont know whether to stay in this small town where i have been for 20 years and have friends or move away for a fresh start but that would mean a new job too. all feels just too much.
i did cancel an estate agent the other week but i will try and go through with it tomorrow. i cannot bear to speak to him on the phone, will only deal with e mail. thank you both for your replies and sharing your experiences this site is a life saver.

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07 Oct 08 #54367 by rhiannon555
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just as a footnote i had always worked full time well as the children and most of my salary straight into the house so he has not "kept me" just had paid more in as earnt four times as much. he lives in bristol now but still keeps coming up here for parties that he does not want to miss out on so even if i was up to a social life he is making sure he is at everthing that goes on up here. he has told people we have split up by mutually and has not brought ow up here yet he seems to be trying to keep that a bit queit around here for now so that he looks whiter than white.

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07 Oct 08 #54376 by mizmagoo
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Hi rhiannon, well I gotta say, that's a new one on me.. I'm leaving you for your own good, so you can make a new start, what a git! That's like telling visitors to your home that you're off to bed to let them get home. Anyway, that's really not what you want to hear is it? I wouldn't move away if I were you, stay where your friends are because you're going to need them. Friends are what prop us up when we're feeling down, and you're really down at the moment, so I don't think its a good idea to move, not yet anyway. Have you stopped having a social life, do you go out with your friends? If not, maybe that'd be a good idea, shake off the cobwebs so to speak. Keep posting on wiki, you'll get some great advice, you're not alone in how to feel, take care x

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