Any Advice Welcomed

Hi 2009,

I do not accept any excuse for lashing out at another living being we have a choice to walk away from a situation before we do that. However I admire your admittance and your desire to never do it again.

That said, I am repelled by these people that manipulate situations such as your ex is doing. This is stoppin progress in domestic abuse. There are men and women being destroyed by DV and DA of extremes and on a daily basis. Your exes conduct makes me embarrassed to be a woman.

I do wish you well and hope you get the support and help you need to get through this. There is a lot of it here as well as people to share experiences and knowledge

Elle

Hi,

Thanks for your reply.

I do want to emphasize the point that I agree 100% with your point that there is never an excuse for lashing out. I do feel i would like to qualify myself a bit on that point. At the time I was suffering from the effect of a complete mental breakdown, I was on prescribed medication called Seroxat, which has been controversial, in that it not only heightens depression and anxiety in some people, it also has had an effect of making people aggressive. It may be an excuse, but I find it quite a coincidence, that my one physical aggressive point in my life, has been at that point in my life and since stopping the medication till the present day I have never raised a finger to anyone. I never did before and never did since.

The reason I feel so bad over what happened then, was because despite all the above, it still happened, and I was still the instrument that did it. My wife has said to me over they years the reason I don't do it it because I'm scared of the police, no other reason. It seems that that one incident has been enough for her to use against me and taunt me with it for 8 and a half years; I have heard it all "You beat me" You are an abuser, how dare you suggest I am" "Come on, why don't you hit me like you want to, you know you do".

In terms of the other thing - I think both men and women can be cruel, and I don't blame women as a whole for what is going on - I blame the character and those that influence that character and thank God there are no children involved.

One other point. It is also very difficult feeling you are having to go to court over the woman, and I believe in some way I do, still love. Maybe it's not love, maybe it's just some attachment, who knows.

when I was submitting my parer, one the one hand I was thinking, at last, I'm doing something, and on the other hand, I called my friends and said "I had no choice, didn't I" - It was one of the most unpleasant experiences so far I have dealt with.

I served her the papers and I believe she has gone to a Domestic violence shelter. She has used those services before in arguments when she has left the flat. I have noticed card with crisis numbers on from Womens Groups.

To think she is being looked after and cared for and everything - it makes me quite frustrated - not with the groups, but in general. A part of me, and I know this sounds bad, hopes she experiences something akin to what DV/DA is in a real sense one day, because then she may realise it's not a tool to use.

Ironically when I first brought the subject up with her of DA a number of months ago, after it was suggested this was the case by a Police Officer. The Community Safety Unit got involved after I called an ambulance because she seemed to be loosing it - smashing up furniture and laughing maniacally - the police arrived with the ambulance and referred the CSU. It was the first time it was suggested to me that this was a form of DA, I had never considered it before, because I was not hit or beaten. As I was saying, after I first brought the issue up with her, she refuted my claim, and I never withdrew it, I asked if we could look at it together in marriage therapy, she said it was insulting for me to suggest such a thing.

Now look what she is claiming and where she seeks refuge. A refuge no doubt to add validity to her claim. This makes her claim to me, very scary.

You cant prove you arent doing what she says any more than she can prove you are. If you are still under the same roof you need to keep a daily diary so you can remember what has and hasnt happened just in case dates are given to you with alleged incidences. Obviously you need to avoid confrontation especially in front of witnesses - ensure your own family and friends are round when there are provactive incidences from the other side.

Your relationship does sound particularly volatile and possibly not good for either of you. Having made the premtive strike you might want to offer mediation as a way of sorting out what both of you want next rather than waiting for 'events' to take over - attending mediation with allow a neutral party to talk with both of you abut the future and will be evidence of whether you both can work reasonably towards some decision making.

I can appreciate you still have feelings for your wife and perhaps she still has them for you but you both seem to have gotten into a very destructive pattern when it comes to dealing with issues that are conflictual. From what you say the current methods arent working to resolve the difficulties and you are both making yourselves ill. You would probably function best not living under the same roof whilst you work out what you both really want and whats really been going on. Best of luck to you.

Rasher

2009

I have had experience with people with mental health problems. I would suggest you get some assistance yourself, do you have a local mind office? It would seem that the situation is pretty volotile and it doesn't really make much difference from which side it's not a good situation to be in. Take legal advice and get as much support as you need.

Not much more to say but stay strong
Mini x

Hi 2009 Newbie.

A lot of what you said mirrors aspects of my previous situation. I would certainly say that ~ 8 years of criticism (or emotional abuse) will have taken you to your limit. It was certainly the point where I threw in the towel and left the FMH. Now, nearly two years later, I'm feeling myself again.

Given what you describe, the first steps from here are for you (and your partner) to independently resolve your own issues. You can't help her, she can't help you, in reality you are probably both having a negative impact on each other. For you, I recommend taking all the advice and support you can usefully access from your Doctor, family and local support groups. And if it is at all possible, consider looking for separate accomodation for your self, so you have the opportunity to live in a secure environment - particularly an emotionally secure environment.

Any issues relating to the marriage will have to wait until you are both stronger and able to cope with the complexities, and your history, of marriage. Don't set any timetable for recovery, you will know when you're better, and then you will know what to do.

Best wishes

Kalamari