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It's Ended....I hope!

  • HRabbit
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4 years 1 month ago #483721 by HRabbit
It's Ended....I hope! was created by HRabbit
Hello, I have seen some others post their outcomes and thought may be useful for others to read the same of my experiences. TBH I have spent an hour writing the whole story, but it was so long that even I got bored and I realised it may mean a huge amount to me, all of the ins and outs, but not to you. So it is now greatly slimmed down :)

Brief summary:

We separated March 2014. My stbx adopted the policy of zero communication, zero co-operation, extreme bitterness and a huge amount of lies, some very serious such as domestic violence, stalking, bank fraud, covering up earnings, wanton disipation of funds. It became clear her method to get the house for nothing was to claim a fatigue illness that stopped her working more than 2 days a week, so she could not raise a mortgage and expected the house to be given to her for nothing.

She forced it to court through non co-operation, I had no choice, she turned up to first hearing expecting the judge to direct that the house ought to be given to her and I keep the savings to try and start again. It is a 4 bedroom, 14 room house, very attractive and above her needs. He said due to all of the allegations my wife was making and his inability to tell in a 30 minute hearing whether they were right or not, plus that there was still no up to date cev for her NHS pension that he could not give a direction, but could not see that the court would justify the house being transferred for nothing. Stbx went into meltdown and letters to my father and telling my children that Dad was forcing them out of the house - it was a horrible time.

FDR adjourned twice due to her lack of co-operation and hiding of pension cev she had obtained, so actuaries could not value pension.

FDR finally happened this week. No mention of illness in pre offer or at court, I guess her barrister had said she was on dodgy ground. Instead it was the needs of my youngest child, greatly exaggerated, as her grounds for not working more. In it and in her barristers submission to the judge were repeated all of the 100% untrue allegations of DV, Bank fraud etc etc, plus some new ones. We just stuck to the facts. They were trying to be clever with the settlement proposal figures and lost the judge and everyone as we scratched our heads.

Judge listens for over an hour and says that she cannot possibly untangle all of these allegations and it is quite clear that with so any disputed issues that could only be determined by a final hearing that she cannot make a judgement as to where it would end in court. She did however say that in her opinion i am entitled to a share of the house and that stbx would be disadvantaged by having to get a mortgage and therefore the most sensible thing would be for the house to be sold and the assets divided. Finally adding this would look like a 3 day final hearing and be very expensive and we should think hard before we do this.

So we go to our rooms and over the next three hours thrash out a hard fought agreement that agrees the house is sold, all assets are split 50/50 save for a £12.5K adjustment in her favour and I pay off the finance for the car. It means she can buy a mortgage free house and I can have a small mortgage. I am very pleased because i feared having a much smaller share and her being awarded the house. She is not happy because I have not been ground into the dust and will not see me watching her living in the house that I put so much into for nothing.

Lesson learnt: My solicitor was correct that all of the backwards and forwards responding to lies and allegations is irrelevant and costs money. Ignore them, the judge does not have time to listen.

TBH, in the last 2 years so much has happened that would take pages to write, that the above does not in any way convey the difficulties, stress and cost that has happened, caused by her refusal to communicate, co-operate, be reasonable or not tell blatant and serious lies to get to where she expected to be. It has been hell and I am so relieved to have come out of it OK.

If anyone wants to know more details about the finance specifics and to see how it was spit and agreed just send me a PM.

Thanks for listening and the support I have received from some in this forum.


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  • HRabbit
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4 years 1 month ago #483728 by HRabbit
Replied by HRabbit on topic Re:It's Ended....I hope!
I am this morning having a period of reflection and wanted to put a post script to my previous post which was given in the heat of the battle and was all about me and the position of my stbx.

Behind all of this is 3 children, 2 still living in the marital home, that have had their lives turned upside down by all of this over the last two years and now having to contemplate having the house sold and moving on.

I do not take this lightly and am sad at the outcome. My feeling is that it is a result of the other person believing the court will take them in the direction they want and by adding a generous layer of sauce to make sure the court favours them, this is what will happen.

In practice it did not and the result of refusing to communicate or co-operate meant that we both ended up with a situation which neither wanted, but two entrenched positions n court meant this was the outcome.

If we had sat round a table at mediation 15 months ago and subsequent times as requested, we could have sorted something.

So my parting message is, if you are one of those on the wrong end of someone who refuses to communicate, or you are one of those who are refusing (and I get the bitterness that causes this if you have been wronged, I understood why my wife was like it), I would suggest to try and overcome this, dont go to court because you cannot control the outcome. Sit round a table, put bitterness aside and try to negotiate something that works for both sides......good luck

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  • hadenoughnow
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4 years 1 month ago #483731 by hadenoughnow
Replied by hadenoughnow on topic Re:It's Ended....I hope!
Thank you for posting your result and your subsequent reflection.

I think any of us on here who have been dragged through the courts by a recalcitrant ex would recognise exactly how you are feeling.

It is terribly sad when the whole thing descends into acrimony, especially when children are involved. Your journey is still not over. You now have to make sure the court order is carried out as painlessly as possible.

My experience was very similar. He wanted a judge to decide and refused many attempts to settle through round table discussion. In the end he got pretty much what had been offered at the outset. However the legal bills were over £50k and any chance of a civilised relationship with me or the children was destroyed.

It is precisely that which motivates me to remain part of the wikivorce community and try my best to help others avoid being in the same situation. I hope you will do the same.


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  • itsbeenalongtime
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4 years 1 month ago #483735 by itsbeenalongtime
Replied by itsbeenalongtime on topic Re:It's Ended....I hope!
Thank you for posting this and hope you soon find some peace.
It is very difficult to deal with a very controlling ex. mine has stalked me, photographed me, he has made abusive phone calls and has even visited and challenged my solicitor.I would welcome a decent offer and would accept without ? but his theory is basically he earnt it, I deserve nothing.
My sol has said all along he is not a person to negotiate with. At first I thought she just wanted more money but as things have unfolded she was absolutely right.
I guess the court system is there to help when one side is being particularly difficult but like you say, at what price.
Good luck with your new life.

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  • Rach54321
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2 years 9 months ago #498663 by Rach54321
Replied by Rach54321 on topic Re:It's Ended....I hope!
Hi there,

My partner is going through something similar. It's nice to read some 'positive outcomes' (as positive as things can be when children are involved).

Luckily there are no children in my partners marriage (phew) but she still wants everything so negotiation is impossible and a final hearing is imminent.

She has also gone as far as applying for a non molestation order through lies of domestic violence. It's very hard but we know the truth. Obviously promises to the court are the best way forward until a financial settlement eradicates the whole harassment issue.

I'm pleased you can now try and move on with you life. Hopefully we will be able to do the same this year.

A divorce literally can push you to breaking point.

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