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Children's living standards and jobs

  • rachy7
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2 years 9 months ago #499711 by rachy7
Children's living standards and jobs was created by rachy7
Hi there,

Sorry, I seem to have loads of questions at the moment.

My husband and I are about to embark on mediation in an attempt to sort out our finances. I always have hope but we are poles apart, largely because he has a big problem with his version of reality and Actual reality (ie he is a pathological liar, a sociopath but more worrying is very charming with it so has an ability to make me look like the unreasonable one, I mean I fell for it for 4 years! although I’d hope that by being honest, as I am, I will have enough evidence to back up my version).
He is lying about everything, most worryingly about overseas property that even my own solicitor is now saying is unlikely to be taken into account since it’s ‘unrealisable’. Apparently his ‘word’ is enough?! Because he ‘can’t’ get hold of the paperwork??

So…as punishment for marrying a functioning alcoholic, pathological liar narcissistic sociopath, my 2 young children are potentially going to end up with a drastic change to their lifestyle.

My main question is this

1) How much does a judge Really take into account maintaining the children’s lifestyle and in what way? Ie would moving to a clearly worse road in the same town matter or won’t they care?
We live in an affluent area (because I grew up here and have lived here all my life – it has become more so thanks to all the Londoners moving here. I’m almost priced out of here now!). We are far from the most well off though and live in the ‘less desirable’ part of the town. If my husband has his way, I will only end up with enough money to buy literally THE smallest house in THE worst street for the children and I. And it IS clearly a social housing street hence why the only 2 privately owned houses have been on the market for months. Would the judge care about the fact that if we are unable to stay in our current home (because my husband refuses to let me buy him out by selling my mortgage free flat in London, as he says it’s ‘not enough’) that the only property we’d be able to afford in the same town would be the smallest, more horrible house in the worst street? Moving there is just not an option for me. I would feel so scared with the children. I will be forced to move out of the town, taking my children out of school and away from their father if that is the case. (My ex says I’m not allowed. But it’s not like I have a choice – move to a horrid house in an unsafe road, or move far away to a much cheaper area where I can afford a house somewhere I feel that children will be Safe, for a fresh start). Not out of spite but because that is just not an option.

Also
2) I have just spent months training as a childminder and already started work. Although I can thankfully prove otherwise, my husband says I only did this in an attempt to stay in the home. That’s completely untrue. This was a result of months of considering options, discussed With him, when I thought we still had a future, and because my youngest started school in September which was always the plan. Again, my solicitor said if this went to court, a judge might argue to me that I could work in a nursery or as a teacher and I don’t need a suitable house to work from. Both are not options for me. I can earn far more as a childminder (hence why I am doing it) plus I can still do all school drop offs/picks ups. I LIKE working for myself. I like the flexibility, the ability to do what I want and not have to answer to anyone. I am good at it. And I haven’t taught for 20 years and so would be highly unlikely to get a job as a teacher. And more importantly I don’t WANT to!!! Is my solicitor being ridiculous or truthful? I am so upset if so. How is it ok to dictate to me what job I should do when I have thought long and hard and looked at many other options! I DID work at a nursery but the pay is terrible. I can easily earn 3 times the hourly rate as a childminder! The reality is I AM worried if I have to move because anywhere smaller wouldn’t offer me the same great layout and storage for childminding.
I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to dictate that my husband refuses to get a promotion!

I just feel so worried I’m going to be totally stitched up for my honesty! While my husband walks away laughing.

I’m worried that a judge will believe my husband’s lies and I’ll be painted as a demanding greedy ex-wife when all I want is a home and a job for my children.
I’m so fed up right now that I’m actually looking at houses in Cornwall and it’s something I’m considering doing if we are told by court/my husband that it's reasonable for my children to live in that awful road. I don’t care about money. I care about my children, and our home. If we have to move away for have a nice home much further away then so be it but my husband surely doesn’t want that! But he seems to want money more!!

Thank you

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  • WYSPECIAL
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2 years 9 months ago #499716 by WYSPECIAL
Replied by WYSPECIAL on topic Re:Children's living standards and jobs
At the end of the day all assets are in the pot so you need to post details of ages, all assets, incomes and ages of children.

The priority will be housing the children and from the details you give that means your strict needs are for a three bed house.

How does this compare with the FMH?

Can you afford to stay in the FMH? You mention a mortgage free flat in London so presumably there is a sizeable asset pot?

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  • rachy7
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2 years 9 months ago #499717 by rachy7
Replied by rachy7 on topic Re:Children's living standards and jobs
WYSPECIAL wrote:

At the end of the day all assets are in the pot so you need to post details of ages, all assets, incomes and ages of children.

The priority will be housing the children and from the details you give that means your strict needs are for a three bed house.

How does this compare with the FMH?

Can you afford to stay in the FMH? You mention a mortgage free flat in London so presumably there is a sizeable asset pot?


Hi there, thank you for the reply.

I am 43, children are 7 and 4 (7 year old is not my husband's but they have a father/son figure, although my ex has decided to also punish my innocent son and say he is not his financial responsibility, despite still wanting to have the same relationship!). Husband is 45.

My flat in London is worth approx. £350k.
Equity in our family home is approx. £350k
Mortgage is £250k.

I wanted to sell my flat, pay off the mortgage on our family home, and give husband lump sum (so possibly around £100k) but that's not acceptable to him. Despite his income of £62k (with promotion in the pipeline) and mine of £10k. All he keeps saying is I've made no contribution. Apparently bringing up his daughter (and doing a great job) isn't a contribution.

My husband also owns a share of a villa in Egypt, and a pub leased but due to a fall out with the people involved has been unsuccessful so far in getting any money out. He now says they are 'worthless' despite valuing them 1/2 years ago at £150k and £175k respectively. Apparently that is enough for them to be written out of the 'pot'? Surely not? They may not be realisable right now but they are assets, just as my flat is? I spent £30k extending the lease on my flat and feel I'm being massively shafted by being honest and making good investments in the past. Whereas my husband will walk away laughing with his great job, pre-marriage assets
Thanks for reading. Feel so fed up right now


I also could get a small mortgage in 2 years. I just feel so sad if we have to move because he's being so unreasonable. He lies all the time about everything and it's so frustrating.

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  • joebloggs45
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2 years 9 months ago #499740 by joebloggs45
Replied by joebloggs45 on topic Re:Children's living standards and jobs
Hi

I found myself relating to your post re a STBX who lies (almost without realising he is doing it!)
and who is emotionally abusive.

I started with the mediation route as I am aware that you need to have at least had the initial meeting (MIAM) before proceeding with a solicitor.

My mediator is very good and totally sees through his lies but manages to relay information to him without causing an explosive response. I have found this part of mediation to be very constructive and has helped with the issue of my children and whom they will be living with.
We are just about to embark on the finance side of things which I fully expect to be tricky. I will be taking it as far as I need to as being a reasonable person I am always looking to compromise however I am not going to be bullied into accepting anything less than what my children need and myself for that matter.

It is certainly worth trying mediation and I hope it works out for you

I wish you luck!

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  • rachy7
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2 years 9 months ago #499923 by rachy7
Replied by rachy7 on topic Re:Children's living standards and jobs
joebloggs45 wrote:

Hi

I found myself relating to your post re a STBX who lies (almost without realising he is doing it!)
and who is emotionally abusive.

I started with the mediation route as I am aware that you need to have at least had the initial meeting (MIAM) before proceeding with a solicitor.

My mediator is very good and totally sees through his lies but manages to relay information to him without causing an explosive response. I have found this part of mediation to be very constructive and has helped with the issue of my children and whom they will be living with.
We are just about to embark on the finance side of things which I fully expect to be tricky. I will be taking it as far as I need to as being a reasonable person I am always looking to compromise however I am not going to be bullied into accepting anything less than what my children need and myself for that matter.

It is certainly worth trying mediation and I hope it works out for you

I wish you luck!


Ah thanks so much for your reply. Wow yes that sounds SO similar. I've even found myself reading posts on how to deal with divorcing this type of person. I'm very compromising too and having read up on it I'm glad I have because I really need to make sure I don't end up accepting less and being bullied into it just because I know that health and happiness are more important than money!

I 'think' we have found a good mediator so thank you for your reply and I wish you luck too

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