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Petition and grounds

  • peyoteradiotheatre
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17 Nov 07 #6883 by peyoteradiotheatre
Topic started by peyoteradiotheatre
I am new to all of this, and I would greatly appreciate some advice, I at all possible.
My wife and I are currently discussing divorce and are now at the point where we need to file the petition. Well, when I say we, I mean I. As it currently stands I can not afford a solicitor, and despite my financial situation at this moment, my salary seems to rule me out of legal aid bracket. As such I really need to do as much without using a solicitor as possible. This may be unrealistic, and may be forced to use money a do not have to acquire the services of one, but for the moment I would like to see if I could.
Which brings me to the petition. I am looking to divorce on the grounds of Unreasonable Behaviour. I will give a brief summary of the situation to try and explain where I’m coming from, and would just like to know if what I’m suggesting is suitable grounds for unreasonable behaviour?
The marriage began to break down about three years ago when my wife started a relationship with a work colleague. I found about the relationship early on, and after a brief, though impassioned discussion, we decided to stay together and try to work things out. This was in no small part due to the fact that we have two children (now 7 & 5) whom I love dearly, and regardless of my wife’s behaviour, I do not want to be parted from. She explained that the relationship with the colleague had been a mistake and promised that it would end. This however was not the case. She continued to see the colleague for the next year and half to two years. This resulted a number of unpleasant arguments and situations. One Christmas I had to remove the colleague's wife from my home, after she had turned up on my doorstep threatening to kill my wife after a text that she had found declaring ‘undying love’
On another occasion my wife left me at a children's party with the kids, on the pretence of buying some shoes, but was in fact an excuse to meet up the colleague. This came out when she returned with a pair of shoes she’d bought two weeks earlier (I’d found them hidden under the bed the previous week) Despite the repeated betrayal of trust, and because of my reluctance to leave the children, we agreed again and again to work things out, again and again, my wife promised to end things, and again and again, she broke her promise. Unfortunately, best intentions aside, our relationship simply deteriorated. My wife’s behaviour grew increasingly erratic. She became distant, moody and resentful. Often blaming me for her behaviour, on the grounds that I didn’t do enough around the house (simply untrue) I didn’t show her enough attention (go figure) and I was too fat (thanks!) and so on. At times the verbal tirade boarded on bullying.
She then decided that we needed time apart, which translated to me moving out into a bed-sit while she decided what she wanted. I was none to pleased about this, and when I pointed out did not want to leave the house, and nor did I want to spend that kind of time away from the kids (6 months minimum, other than running them around), she accused me of being selfish and unreasonable. Eventually, and against my wishes, she went out and put a deposit down on a bed-sit, and gave me the keys. Again when I refused to be pushed out of my own home, she accused me of wasting her money on the deposit. I suggested that under the circumstances, I may be open to the idea if the burden was spilt. Each of us would spend a week in the bed-sit, and a week at home with the kids. Baring in mind that I was the one that dropped the kids off every morning, and picked them up each night, and she was still expecting me to do that while I was in the bed-sit, I felt that she was still getting the better end of the deal. However she accused me of trying to punish her, by asking her to do the same as she was asking from me. Things have been pretty much like that from then ‘til now, and we eventually decided to go for a divorce. When we originally discussed it, we agreed joint custody of the child, with a 50/50 split on contact. She has since sort legal advice and decided to she wants sole custody of the children, and I should only see them every other weekend, with extra contact in the form of me running the kids around for her (she does have her own car, by the way) Based on the fact that she wants to keep the family home, and she can not afford to this unless she has more money off me, I believe the decision is purely financial. The fact that she could restrict my contact to the kids, after everything she has done, simply because she wants more money, and then accuses me of being selfish and unreasonable for wanting more time with them , has driven me point where I can barely stand to look at the woman, never mind spend any longer married to her.

Sorry, that wasn’t exactly brief.

As I said at the beginning, I want to go for unreasonable behaviour, and I want to know if sighting the extramarital relationship, her behaviour towards me during and post the relationship and her attempt to remove me from the family home (on two occasions now) are good enough grounds?
Could I also sight the constant threats I’ve received recently, to reduce my contact to the children further, if I do not agree to her demands on the settlement?

Thank you, and sorry again for the drawn out explanation.

  • Camberwick green
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17 Nov 07 #6885 by Camberwick green
Reply from Camberwick green
OMG you are having a time of it, it still beggars belief that so many people have these conflicts over access to the Children after all they are half yours too, its amazed how many will use them as bargaining power :(

Stick to your guns, many will say on here not to move out and don't give an inch. If you have to let the courts decide what course of action is best, the are not involved emotionally.

Looks like you have very good grounds for UB, as i am petitioning on but beware not to rock the boat too much, the judge will take sometimes lesser reasons for UB rather than it seem like barage of insults.

Good Luck x

  • mumov4
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17 Nov 07 #6893 by mumov4
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Heres a good one for you guys. My husband met and starting living with this woman within 8 weeks of meeting her and said that she is the one. He has taken her to meet the family, a family i might add that i have been a part of for 23 years and had two kids by him. He said that my kids would want for nothing but i just have to ask for the money if i need it for them. I don't think so. When we were married there was times that i had to go out to work when he couldn't so i was the breadwinner. My last child that i had when i was 42 years old was a much loved child and still is. He bullied our oldest child who is now 18 years old and he doesn't want to ever see his dad again. Our little girl is only 9 years old and all of a sudden he wants to see her and not our boy. He has never been an on hands dad anyway. All of a sudden because our daughter doesn't want to see him he has cut my money by £200 which we agreed when we parted. He said that he will take care of xmas for our kids from the two of us because i can barely now pay my bills never mind christmas. I have decided to take my children home to Scotland to be with the rest of our family and all of a sudden it kicks off with him that i won't be here him to conveniently come round here on christmas day to watch our children open up their presents that he has conveniently bought them from him and his new partner. I told him to stuff it you can't have the kids and your new life with your new family. As a result he has turned the whole family asgainst me because i am looking out for my kids. I am trying to move on but he still keeps trying to hold me back what the hell do i do?

  • peyoteradiotheatre
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17 Nov 07 #6910 by peyoteradiotheatre
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Thank you Camberwick, for kind words and the advice. I appreciate what you’re saying about toning down on the accusations, I am probably being a little reactionary at this point. So I will try to temper it a little.

good luck to you too.

p.s. kudos on the user name, I use to love that program.

That is a very harrowing story, and I’m truly sorry that both you and your children are suffering what seems to be a very King Lear-esq approach to parenting that their father appears to have adopted; show me how much you love me, and I’ll reward you, don’t and I won’t. As far as I am concerned, the love for your child is unconditional, and no matter how they are towards you, it is inconceivable to me that you would want to punish them or force them to go without by stopping there money. You certainly don’t bully or abuse them. Your ex is obviously not the most paternal of fathers, and from what you’ve said, quite selfish.
As for what you do, I’m not really sure. I’m new to all of this. But please understand that when posted this thread, it wasn’t my intention to champion fathers, and vilify mothers. This is just my situation, and I have no intention of blaming all women for the problems that I’m having with my wife. I have a daughter myself, and I have no intention of her seeing her father become a bigoted and hatful old man. It is important to me that both my son and daughter feel that they are both special, they are both important and they are both equal.
Perhaps you, the ex, and the family need to sit down and get things out in the open, for the childrens sake if nothing else.

  • loobyloo
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18 Nov 07 #6918 by loobyloo
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peyo.. welcome to wiki and the great wide world of divorce..and hey what a screen name
seriously though you most def can petition on grounds of adultery but she can also contest it. As far as I see this (im no expert)you are clearly the victim and she is using kids which is dispicable... you have been more than reasonable with her despite her "daliances".
The costs will kick in a) if lots of solicitors time due to no agreement andb) if you go to court for ancillary relief... thats a dear do!!!
also bear in mind that where financial issues are concerned, conduct during the marriage,unless very serious, is irrelevent.
You are obviously a great caring dad and person, use this site its got a lot of knowledgable people (me not being one of them)whom know what they are talking about.. also its here for your morale too
I think you be ok keep strong and good wishes to you

  • peyoteradiotheatre
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19 Nov 07 #6980 by peyoteradiotheatre
Reply from peyoteradiotheatre
Thank you Looby, for the kind words, advice and good wishes. And hey, not too shoddy a screen name yourself there. I love all this kids TV references. Kind of wish I’d gone for Jamie and the Magic Torch or something.
I did consider going the adultery route, but that’s obviously a very contentious and difficult path to go down. As you say, my wife will likely contest it, and I have prove that something happened in the last six months, which she is unlikely to admit to. Which means the allegations are merely conjecture, and therefore pointless. This leaves me with unreasonable behaviour, or irretrievable breakdown. The irretrievable breakdown would be the least controversial, and of course the least problematic. The only reason for me perusing the unreasonable behaviour is that I can’t petition for irretrievable breakdown until we’ve been separated for at least two years. I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster for the last three years, and waiting another two years before I can get some resolution to this is just too long for me. The ancillary relief and financial side of divorce doesn’t really factor into my decision. I realise it will have no impact on how the assets are divvied up. For me it’s just a case of drawing a line in the sand, and getting some sanity back into my life. If I can get away with toning down the grounds for UB, I will, but I don’t really know how strong the argument has to be for the courts to accept it.

Thank you again, and all the best to you too.

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