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Should I go to court?

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15 Dec 07 #9081 by Jacko
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I am the respondent and am defending the divorce my wifes grounds are UB.

As the divorce is now fully defended there is a hearing on the 2nd January 2008 for the court to decide whether to dismiss the divorce or give direction on how to proceed.

As I live in Derby and the divorce is in Devon the court has told me I can make written representation instead of attending if I choose. I feel that I can better represent myself in writing and raise all the issues I believe are pertinent in the case. I feel that if I were to go up in front of a judge my X2B sol is likely to pull me to bits and put me off my stride as I don't feel I'm going to be as articulate as I could be in such a stressful situation.

So is it better to put everything in writing or stand up and be counted in court?

She has petitioned before and then stopped proceedings. She has now raised a supplemental divorce petition. The issue I have raised with the court is that the SDP raises most of the same issues as in her original petition and even the new issues have exceeded the 6 month period in which she should have acted as they go back to June 2006. What is the likely hood of getting the divorce dismissed on these grounds?

I do not intend to cross petition at present. and would propose that we wait for 2 years and see if we can mutually agree to divorce?

I do not believe the welfare of the children is being compromised as there is no mortgage on the FMH and I'm happy for my wife and children to carry on living there. I have 2 pensions with a value of 10K ( this predates the marriage) and 15K and we both have debts of around 8k and 10K this is the sum total of our finances.

Your thoughts are appreciated

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15 Dec 07 #9090 by gone1
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Umm. Defended divorces are almost always a waste of time and money. But if you feel that strongly then I suppose you must. In my case my divorce UB reasons are all made up. I know this because I made them up for her. She had the affair and I wanted out and she divorced me. I wanted it so bad I didnt contest. Should I have cross pettioned? Yea it would have made me feel better but I would have been down about 2K in total and I need the money more.

Seeing as you feel so strongly about your case I would go to the court. You will have to get used to being in court as you will probably go thru Ancilery Relief proceedings and if it goes all the way thats 3 or more hearings. The other good reason for appearing is that no one knows your case better than you.

Court is combative and its good to get some early experiance of it before you have to do the finances which is a real nightmare. Hope it turns out the way you want it to. Chris.

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15 Dec 07 #9097 by attilladahun
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Jacko

I seriously question the sense of all this.

There seems very limited assets and divorce is a stressful enough process without making it unnecessarily complex, and expensive.

Now it seems that you accept that the marriage has broken down as you seem to suggest a divorce should take place after 2 years separation. The trouble with that is whilst it is an amicable ground it requires YOUR consent and your W may think you are trying to delay and control things.

You cannot make someone love you and I truly think your wife and children would appreciate things if you allow the divorce to proceed.

If you attend the Judge will do his level best to get you to see the best way forward would be to let the decree go through.

The fact you have not cross petitioned says it all you are hurting which is understandable.

One of the "kindest" things you can do is to think the bigger picture. You and your W will have to work together in the C best interests for many years to come and I am sure things will be more likely to be easier to sort out if you don't get drawn into battles you don't need to be in.

You may find that having some counselling may help at this difficult time.

Delaying the divorce could be a more expensive option...ppty value increases pension increases and so a settlement MAY cost more.

Why not suggest NOW that you and your W attends mediation to sort out:

Divorce
C issues
Finances

The process will be a lot cheaper than defended litigation

The Court is OBLIGED to adjourn the hearing if both parties wish to engage in ADR (Alternative Dispute Resolution) i.e. mediation.

This is a battle that even if you win you LOOSE in the long term.

Respect can be earned by losing the battles you don't need to win!

Onwards and upwards old son!

All the best

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16 Dec 07 #9111 by Jacko
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I am representing myself so don't see my legal bill is going to increase significantly?

If I had a solicitor I wouldn't be bothering with defending the divorce quite clearly there is financially no point in defending a divorce when the marriage has ended.

In her petition she alleges that I intimidate her but most of her claims are that I have systematically abused the children physically and mentally through out the marriage. Sorry but this I do not and will never accept. I could have worn any old crap she had said about her and me.

We have attended counseling in the past to no avail.

Our case has been considered not suitable by the mediation service as there are mental health issues (my wife has bipolar) and social services have been involved and the police.

She likes to get me arrested!! 3 times so far! If you tell the police that some one has threatened to kill you they are now obliged to arrest you and question you under caution. You are also expected to give DNA, fingerprints and an ID photograph!

Hence the reason I've moved away she has set out to try and destroy me. I came close to the point of a nervous breakdown 2 years before I manage to pull myself together.

She has self harmed on many occasions (started long before our marriage) hospitalizing herself with overdoses and cutting herself. She is now addicted to sleeping tablets and abuses alchohol.

I stopped loving my wife a long time ago and the grieving process is well and truly over for me I'm glad to be rid of her. She currently has some else living in the house who she meet in a mental health unit 2 1/2 years ago. though only formed a relationship with him 6 months ago. Whilst she was in the unit I had to have time of work to look after the 4 children and is the reason I stuck it so long. This ultimately lead to me loosing the job as I couldn't give assurances when I was going to return to work and that it wasn't likely to reoccur.


This guy has a police record for harassment. the neighbors say it's a volatile relationship he shouts and swears all the time has smashed up her car in an accident. The children don't like him and 1 of my sons who is autistic has complained to me that Will " he always use the F word". My neighbors say that the children's behavior has deteriorated since I left the noise coming from the FMH has increased significantly.

My wife moved out and took the boys in November 2005 into rented accommodation. She later complained I didn't try to stop her!! She got involved with a man knowing he was on bail for beating another woman. He then beat her severely ( my children in the house) and has recently finished a 12 month prison sentence for these of offences. He also came and threatened me twice.She then moved back and agreed to a reconciliation and said she would not instruct her solicitors again.

I have been advised that I'm not likely to get custody of the children until something serious happens to one of them!


My wife has had solicitors acting on her behalf on and off for the last 3 1/2 years and has told them to stop divorce proceedings twice in the past it's been like a game of cat and mouse. I'm the mouse and it's like she can end the game when she wants!

I can't see what difference it makes to the boys if we don't get divorced for 2 years or maybe even 5. The house is paid for they are all settled in school so have no reason to move.She is asking for a 60/40 split as a deferd payment. My youngest son is only 6 so I could wait for up to 12 years for any money. She is now asking for maintenance for herself, pension sharing order, Property adjustment and lump sum order.

So I'm playing a waiting game.

I can't afford to buy a house and living at my parents it's difficult to have all 4 boys come and stay. It occurs to me with no divorce the courts have no powers to make financial orders. If the divorce is dismissed maybe I could use my pensions as a deposit for a house? I'm about to start pension with my new employer.

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16 Dec 07 #9115 by gone1
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Jacko wrote:


In her petition she alleges that I intimidate her but most of her claims are that I have systematically abused the children physically and mentally through out the marriage. Sorry but this I do not and will never accept. I could have worn any old crap she had said about her and me.

We have attended counseling in the past to no avail.

Our case has been considered not suitable by the mediation service as there are mental health issues (my wife has bipolar) and social services have been involved and the police.

She likes to get me arrested!! 3 times so far! If you tell the police that some one has threatened to kill you they are now obliged to arrest you and question you under caution. You are also expected to give DNA, fingerprints and an ID photograph!

Hence the reason I've moved away she has set out to try and destroy me. I came close to the point of a nervous breakdown 2 years before I manage to pull myself together.

She has self harmed on many occasions (started long before our marriage) hospitalizing herself with overdoses and cutting herself. She is now addicted to sleeping tablets and abuses alchohol.

I stopped loving my wife a long time ago and the grieving process is well and truly over for me I'm glad to be rid of her. She currently has some else living in the house who she meet in a mental health unit 2 1/2 years ago. though only formed a relationship with him 6 months ago. Whilst she was in the unit I had to have time of work to look after the 4 children and is the reason I stuck it so long. This ultimately lead to me loosing the job as I couldn't give assurances when I was going to return to work and that it wasn't likely to reoccur.


This guy has a police record for harassment. the neighbors say it's a volatile relationship he shouts and swears all the time has smashed up her car in an accident. The children don't like him and 1 of my sons who is autistic has complained to me that Will " he always use the F word". My neighbors say that the children's behavior has deteriorated since I left the noise coming from the FMH has increased significantly.

My wife moved out and took the boys in November 2005 into rented accommodation. She later complained I didn't try to stop her!! She got involved with a man knowing he was on bail for beating another woman. He then beat her severely ( my children in the house) and has recently finished a 12 month prison sentence for these of offences. He also came and threatened me twice.She then moved back and agreed to a reconciliation and said she would not instruct her solicitors again.

I have been advised that I'm not likely to get custody of the children until something serious happens to one of them!


My wife has had solicitors acting on her behalf on and off for the last 3 1/2 years and has told them to stop divorce proceedings twice in the past it's been like a game of cat and mouse. I'm the mouse and it's like she can end the game when she wants!

I can't see what difference it makes to the boys if we don't get divorced for 2 years or maybe even 5. The house is paid for they are all settled in school so have no reason to move.She is asking for a 60/40 split as a deferd payment. My youngest son is only 6 so I could wait for up to 12 years for any money. She is now asking for maintenance for herself, pension sharing order, Property adjustment and lump sum order.

So I'm playing a waiting game.

I can't afford to buy a house and living at my parents it's difficult to have all 4 boys come and stay. It occurs to me with no divorce the courts have no powers to make financial orders. If the divorce is dismissed maybe I could use my pensions as a deposit for a house? I'm about to start pension with my new employer.


Jacko. Sounds a sorry tale of woe. I would have thought it be best for all concerned that you get out as quickly as you can. There are times when U just have to let go. This may be one of those times. I was also acused of abusing the children. It was the other way round they had there "sessions" where I was kept up to 3 - 4 AM taking there turn on me calling me all kinds of things and doing some very nasty things to me. All with the view of disposing of me. But in your case mate its just words and she wants rid of you. I wasnt arrested but I was reported for all kinds of things such as putting nails in her tyres and you name it. I have been thru a non mol case where there whole thing was made up. In the end I had to sign a undertaking not to go to my FMH until January 3rd 2008.

I was forced to live in my garage for 6 months because she decided to move her BF in whilst I was still there. And the kids (step kids) supported this. Feck knows why. Dispose of me and get me out the way by any means is why. I was surplus to requirements is why.

But thats life mate. We all have had to go thru hell on here. Read some of the posts where husbands have returned and broke in and all sorts. This is divorce mate. Its a nasty bussines where people go to war with each other and use all kinds of weapons to hurt one another and to gain an advantage.

After going thru all this I can safely say that divorce is hard enough as it is without making it harder. By all means contest but all you are doing is dragging it out. Just take the petition and sign it and be done with it. Thats the best way. Dont waste your life trying to prove a point that nobody gives a feck about. But its your life. Chris.

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16 Dec 07 #9118 by Fiona
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Oh dear, dealing with someone who suffers from periods of mania and depression is never easy. From your post I suspect you are not from the UK??

I wouldn't agree to having systematically abused the children physically and mentally through out the marriage either. In England & Wales you can agree the petition on the grounds that the marriage has irretrievably broken down but disagree with the reasons cited.

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16 Dec 07 #9121 by Jacko
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ChrisM

Thank you for your input sorry to hear about what you've been through as well! I can imagine there are others on this forum with worse to tell!! I once had a boss who said that he had stopped being shocked by the horrendous things one human can inflict upon another.

I have questioned why I am doing what I am doing. Some of it's the principle of the thing. I don't believe I hate my W though quite clearly I don't like her very much! The fact she does have mental health problems I believe makes me more accepting of things. I guess everyone has to get there head around things one way or another.

Her claims for AR make me feel that I will always be tied to her financially. Even if she doesn't get all off what she asks for with not having a mortgage and the C aged from 6 to 12 there will be no Clean Break order for years.

I believe she is on a collision course with her life. If there were to be a divorce and no doubts she will get anything up to 70%. What would happen if she did commit suicide! If she does take her own life it would more likely to be an accident! were she goes to far with one of her self harming stunts! I'm still paying our life insurance policy though it won't pay out is she takes her life.

With only 40% as know doubts I'm not included in her will. I would have to re home myself and the boys.

It seems to me I have nothing to lose if I do wait for things to pan out. I'm not likely to get anything now either as it's likely to be defferd anyway.

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