sick of wallowing......

Hi everyone, not been on here for a while but the previous advice I got I acted on and have now reached voluntary agreements on all financial and childcare arrangements, although still yet to get round to filing for divorce.....feel the need to rant - sorry!

It`s been a hell of a week despite wanting to clear the air with ex on Sunday in an attmept to start the new year afresh... he stated he still wanted a divorce which to be honest I wasn`t upset about. I`d said I didn`t hate him and have no malice towards him because without each other we wouldn`t have had our child which was made when we loved each other. I will never use them as a pawn and have offered additional visitations to the agreed, such as christmas day and a night during the week which has been refused by him-he never even called his child on christmas day but then he has an 8 yr old to his first marriage and he has no contact with them either! However as the week has progressed I have felt myself closer to tears and for most of the past two days have struggled to keep them at bay.

Why do I torment myself with the constant battle in my head, I know the past two years have been a nightmare, with no emotional support from my husband despite having had a not entirely happy birth experience and having to relocate (selling and buying houses) and sort it all myself when our child was 8 wks old, then after having moved nearer to his work for him to withdraw from me and spend most of the time he was at home on the computer chatting to other women, don`t get me wrong I was a bit of a cow but is it really surprising? All I wanted was support especially after spending all day at home with a baby and not knowing anyone in the area, having given up my job and my previous home and wanting a friendship with the person I fully expected to spend the rest of my life with, but the more I pushed the more he withdrew. I didn`t think I was asking for the moon on a stick by requesting the occasional night out or a family walk to the park, things didn`t need to cost money and if they did I was willing to pay. Requesting he didn`t scurry upstairs to go on the computer as soon as he`d finished eating the tea I`d made him, or wait for 20 minutes after I`d gone to bed before he`d sneak upstairs and "play on his PS3 til 1 in the morning", you known a grown up adult relationship with couple time and fun was all I was asking for!

Anyway it`s been two months since he moved back to his mothers and I`m sure you`ll understand it`s been a rollercoaster of emotions, so why when I know all this do I still check my phone constantly in the hope he has sent me a message or pray he`ll have a change of heart and woo me back again? Why do I care what he does and who he might see? I`m buying a diary on Monday so I don`t have to bore the pants off my friends with the same old rubbish I`ll write it down in there instead. I know he isn`t coming back otherwise he would have done surely to god by now and if I`m honest I don`t trust a single hair on his head after the way he has treated me and the lies he`s told and the things he`s hidden so in reality it`s a non starter anyway, so here`s to a new start and a new life and a second divorce for him on the same grounds as his first one by the looks of it.....Happy new year everyone !

My heart goes out to you.

In some ways i feel the same as you, hanging on just in case. I remember when my wife had our child 7 years ago, it must have been a MASSIVE change to her and we went through some bad times a year later and ended up at Relate. I imagine its a feeling of being trapped, with nobody close by to visit/chat to doesn't help. You mention a diary. I started one on New Years day. I have written down key dates and thoughts if I need to refer back to them. I try to put positive thoughts down but tend to put everythign (good and bad) on each days page. I find it helps even though I have NEVER had one before in 37 years !, and I know of others who keep diaries as they seem to help.

I too seem to have a head full of loads of things which seems to be on the verge of exploding sometimes.

My dad told me last night to try to think positive and
not let the negetive stuff get you down otherwise every day is a bad day.

Thinking of you.

Our thoughts are with you both.

Its hard but there is light at the end of what can seem a very long tunnel.

You are only doing what we have all done in yuor shoes.

My husband left 17months ago and I know what you are saying. You will get fed up with feeling this way and that is what will change you. I didn't ever belive it would get better but it is, slowly but surely.

buddha says,
"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

I think this has helped me, try not to think about the big picture, it is too big to comprehend, just concentrate on the here and now. Get through each hour and each day and gradually.

I hope that helps, take it from the people who have walked in your path it DOES get easier but it is a necessary journey.

thinking of you. It is strange how we all seem to think we are the only ones who feel hurt, humiliated and sick to our stomachs. How the smallest thing can suddenly hit you and turn your world back upside down and the big things seem to be easier to cope with.

I too have dreamt of my ex pleading for me to come back - not that anyone sane would want him - but that doesn't stop me thinking it would be "nice" for him to want me - may be just so I can say no thank you... I don't know...

what I do know is I have written a list of everything that he did to me last year - the affair with my friend in my house under my nose, the lying, the stealing, the running of to the ***** computer! and how he has neglected the children and even his dog. Then wrote a list of everything positive - the sweet nothings (umm lies), the flowers ?? etc ... doesn't take a rock scientist to work tou which list is longer!

Emotopns are cruel and memories hard to erase. Sometimes I think it would be easier to go back in time and have just "put up" with the situation. BUT I think that would ahve made me always suspicious always looking over my shoulder and living pretence. I have the rest of my life ahead and although I don't know the path I will follow it will be no worse than the one I was on and probably miles better.

Take care - and we all have to wallow sometimes

I have watched this thread on and off for a few days and I didnt have anything constructive to say. I still havent Some people dont know what a relationship is. I dont think your ex does. U love him and miss him and you are hoping that you can save the relationship and U are also hoping that the knight in shining armour will come riding into your AO and he aint. Its only natural to feel like this. But your pride stops you from begging him to come back. And rightly so. It would all end in tears if U did. Just give yourself time to get over it and the saying absense makes the heart.... is not always true in the long term. At the end of the day he is gone and thats that. Sorry. Be strong hang tough and U will get there one day. Chris.

Thanks guys it`s good to know others have gone through the same and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. The diary has gone down a storm I managed to cram five pages worth of ranting in 45 minutes, and now have a handy tick list of negatives to refer back to should I ever feel wobbly again. A bit of luck too I got a call from my mobile company offering me a free upgrade on Monday so it was a perfect excuse to spring clean all the old text messages I`d saved from the early days of our split which I didn`t really refer back to put that would have stayed there, someone up there is smiling on me!! Thanks again I really appreciate the replies good wishes and happiness to us all xx