my husband says he is gay

is there a bigger pain than the one I'm suffering now? i came back form a trip abroad to find a changed husband ,running around like a headless chicken after a young boy my son's age.(23). My husband is 56 and we have been married for 29 years. He is now saying that the affair finished but I'm out of it. Does anybody knows if I have grounds for divorce by his infidelity, unreasonable behavior (crying on my shoulder over that affair, shouting at me in the middle of the night, etc..) I need all sorts of advice, like, if I leave, do I loose my part in the house? Is there a place I could go to wait till I get a flat somewhere? I cannot stand him any longer. Thanks to anybody who takes the time to talk to me.

Isabella,

As far as I am aware you can only petition for divorce on the grounds of adultery if there is admission or evidence that your spouse has had sexual intercourse with another person of the opposite sex. You could of course petition on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Stay in the marital home if you possibly can until you get your finances sorted. You will need to post more details of your marriage, incomes, other assets, children etc for someone to give you some advice on what your financial outcome is likely to be.

This is me again, giving some details of our situation.
We have been married for 29 years, have 2 children(adults). As far as i know this did not happened before, as we got along fine. We sold our house in 2001 to go abroad to live, but as it did not go right, we came back and bought another house, which is in his name only. HOWEVER, for those 29 years I have cooked, cleaned, ironed, brought his children up and bought most of the furniture. My income is very little as it is only a part time job (around 500 pounds a month) and his is about 27 thousand a year, going up now that he was promoted. We also have a car. I have applied for a flat with a housing association but I'm afraid to leave the house in case he gets it all. My son lives with us and I don't want to disrupt his life too much till he finishes his studies and gets married. We don't fight all the time but I have been subject to mental cruelty for a number of times and episodes of crying over this other person. I now desperately want to get out of the situation (it started in November)as I need peace of mind to be able to go to work. I have no savings and nothing else. We are both over 50.Could anybody help?

This is me again, giving some details of our situation.
We have been married for 29 years, have 2 children(adults). As far as i know this did not happened before, as we got along fine. We sold our house in 2001 to go abroad to live, but as it did not go right, we came back and bought another house, which is in his name only. HOWEVER, for those 29 years I have cooked, cleaned, ironed, brought his children up and bought most of the furniture. My income is very little as it is only a part time job (around 500 pounds a month) and his is about 27 thousand a year, going up now that he was promoted. We also have a car. I have applied for a flat with a housing association but I'm afraid to leave the house in case he gets it all. My son lives with us and I don't want to disrupt his life too much till he finishes his studies and gets married. We don't fight all the time but I have been subject to mental cruelty for a number of times and episodes of crying over this other person. I now desperately want to get out of the situation (it started in November)as I need peace of mind to be able to go to work. I have no savings and nothing else. We are both over 50.Could anybody help?

Isabella,

Don't worry yourself too much about your home. You have been married for a long time and in deciding upon a settlement, the courts will take account of yours and your husbands future needs.

Your children are I assume over 19 years? If so, they count for little in the division of assets equation.

The starting point is to add up all of the marital assets, like the house, car, savings and any other assets. Then deduct the liabilities like the outstanding mortgage, and y joint loans or debts. The remainder is split between you. The starting point is 50:50, but there are many factors to take into account, such as his income being higher than yours. His future earnings potential is higher than yours.

This will skew the split to compensate you. You may also apply for spousal maintenance, which is a regular payment from him to you to 'top up' your income until you are in a better position financially.

He is the bad guy - why should he stay - why doesn't he leave and get a flat? I appreciate it isn't quite that simple, but I am trying to say to you that you shouldn't be feeling that you have to make the move. It is on the grounds of his behaviour that this has all happened.

I think it would be worth your while seeing a solicitor, to put your mind at rest. See if you can find a local one that does a free initial 30 min consultation.

Best of luck - it must be devastating for you. There is just no telling what is going on in the minds of people that we thought we knew so well.

Take care

Mike

I too found out my husband was gay after 20 years together- the signs were there but I guess I chose to ignore them.I truly feel for you.

Lindy

Lindy

Are you still together? If so, how do you cope?
I also saw some signs, but not many, and he's been a good husband and father for all those years. Now looking back I can see that i chose to ignore some other times in our lives that he was obviously having something going on in that area. What happened now was the worst possible thing, he really fell in love with this man. For the past two months he completely ignored my presence, now the affair finished, leaving in its wake a broken family.Not everybody know it was a gay affair, only me, everybody thinks it was an affair with another woman. If I tell my son he will probably never speak with his father again.
My husband says he is repentant, I do not believe him. He is still wanting this man as well. I know it will only happen again and I really want out. I can cope with life in general pretty well, but this has got me really down.I want out of my house because it has too many happy memories for me, also I feel that I have more inner strength than him to cope with moving away from the familiar.