I’m a 37 year old husband whose wife said she would apply for a divorce back on 7th December. She originally said she’d do it after xmas but then said she’d do it straight away. (I’m still waiting so assume she hasn’t yet done it).
She suddenly told me that she’d “had enough” as I “grated on her” and would apply for divorce. She said she had been feeling this for some time. I was numbed with shock. I cried my eyes out that evening when she had gone to bed early.
We have been married since 1995 and have a 7 year old daughter. We WOULD have had more children but my wife suffered a miscarriage in 2004 and then again in 2006. Both times were bad but we both agreed we hadn’t lost anything as it hadn’t developed past about 2 weeks. I think that my wife still dwells on “what could have been” though (as I do). After that evening, things have been very frosty (though things have become a LITTLE better in recent days). My wife hardly spoke 2 words to me for several days and then when I started a conversation it would only be 1 word answers. We didn’t kiss or hug for 2 weeks. We then arrange to go out for a pizza on 15 Dec but instead got takeaway. We got home around 6:30pm and my wife told me she was going out to think. She text me shortly after going out saying she was ok and needed some time alone. She came back at 10:30. I had gone to bed but was still awake. She came into the bedroom and got into bed. She asked me if I was still awake. I said yes, and she then cuddled me and thanked me for giving her space. I hugged her (which felt electric !!) and told her she could have as much time as she likes. This gave me renewed hope.
I have confided with my parents who are very understanding and good listeners. They suggested I give her space, be patient and listen (which I’m not the best at).
Since then things have still been awkward but general chat has returned to a certain extent. We went to her parents xmas day and my parents boxing day. Both days conversation seemed normal but that’s probably because there were people around (I assume her parent don’t know). On 27th Dec things returned to being frosty again for some reason and stayed like that until Friday last week. We had an offer of News Years Eve out with friends and kids which we eventually were talked into by one of her good friends that she talks to all the time. It was ok and we hugged and kissed briefly at midnight, but she then spent more time with her other mum friends there hugging them and wishing them happy new year. I had driven as she had to get up early on New years day to wok in retail. She also had been offered overtime on the following 3 days (last week) which she said yes to and had also asked for more if available (does she not want to be at home ??). I was happy for her as when I had spoken to my parents, they said that she has probably been feeling trapped at home for some time as she doesn’t like this gloomy time of year and she had a full time job before our daughter was born and so had her own wage and independence. Since our daughter was born they suggested she lost her independence (which may be why she started a part time job when our daughter was 1 (and is still there)) and needed to earn her own money, which I have no problem with. She works around me but only 2 days a week.
Now, I suppose I shouldn’t have but I was glancing through the online mobile phone bill before xmas and suddenly noticed a number appearing on her phone that I didn’t recognise. (I pay for both contracts). It had suddenly started the day after her and 2 friends had gone to a night club for a girls night out in November. She had been there before back in September and she told me that unbeknown to them the first time, Friday night was singles night !!! and her and her friends were all married. They weren’t bothered with it though.
There were several text messages most days including her work days and also 3 phone calls, which were timed at times when I had gone out in the evening. My blood ran cold and I feared the worst and started to think that this was a reason why she had threatened with divorce. I assumed there was some sort of text conversation going on and it lasted for about 17 days, then suddenly 10 days before xmas….. they stopped. FEW I thought. Her mood seemed to lighten slightly before xmas and I was hopeful. THEN… further developments. She had been texting and receiving various texts through new years eve from friends, one of which was from a good friend of hers who’s split up (and got back together again) from her husband more times than I can remember because of adultery (she showed me that text !). I noticed on the online mobile bill a few days later than this mystery number had re appeared !!! – I was in shock again. Admittedly I had been checking her mobile for texts most evenings after she had gone to bed but found nothing (assume she deleted them to hide her tracks – which was something this friend had done before she had split with her husband). I have since checked the bill most days but found nothing since new years day. Was it just a new years message ?? NOPE ! – I found a voice mail message on her phone last week from this mystery number. A bloke wishing her (by name) a happy new year. Sounded an idiot but that may be because I was shocked. So I now had his mobile number and his first name. I was still intrigued by why the texts etc had suddenly stopped before xmas then 2 texts over new year then nothing again. I then was REALL naughty and looked in my wife’s handbag. I found a secret zipped section and in it I found the original piece of paper with the mobile number and his full name and also a receipt for a £20 pay-and-go top up. This isn’t for my wife’s phone as she has a contract phone, so now I am thinking….”she’s got a secret 2nd mobile” – which was something else this friend of hers had done in the past. THEN my mind was racing as she had got a phone call from this friend last Friday evening asking to go out for a chat to discuss her friend and husbands rocky marriage. I remember she turned to me and said “can I go out” !! which made it sound like she needed permission !. I said of course. I don’t see myself as controlling (though also think that because I try to help and do a lot – cook, that may be seen as controlling ??). She has said to me in the past ”you don’t mind if I go out tonight/tomorrow night ?”. So don’t understand why she “asked permission”, though she has said this I the past when friends have phoned. She got home well after midnight and said she had gone back to her friends house after the pub had shut, something she hasn’t done before. So I am thinking …Did she go out with her friend or did her friend “cover” for her and my wife went to this nightclub again on her own to meet this bloke instead ?? - Something that my wife did for her friend and covered for her when her friend went away for a dirty weekend with some bloke she’d met on the internet a few years back.
I am now convinced that she met him by chance at this night club in November and they exchanged numbers and texted for nearly 3 weeks. Then she got herself a secret 2nd mobile as suggested by her “experienced” friend ?? and used that, which explains why the texts on her own mobile stopped (though can’t explain the new year eve texts).
Last Friday I got home from work but instead of being greeted by silence, she was full of beans and chatted for ages about her good day at work. I was confused as this wasn’t what I expected. Since then things have been reasonable but not where I would like it. I have been trying the “extra nice” tact and helping were I can, though I tend to cook 6 evenings a week anyway when I get home from work, and give my wife some time to chill out with the TV. She hasn’t worn her wedding ring for over a week now and our daughter keeps talking about how glad she is that “I married mummy”, “do you ever take your wedding ring off like mummy” and that she “never wants another daddy” (I know….. it brought a tear to my eye as well !) . I have good days and not so good days. Yesterday while at work, I was dwelling on what might arrive in the post in the coming days (as she has plenty of time to pop down the solicitors now the schools have gone back), and felt like crying my eyes out.
I can’t understand why my wife’s mood goes up and down a lot. Am I blind to something ??
I’ve read various forums and see so many people are in the same boat as me, which is warming.
It sounds a nightmare but it also sounds as though you have given her a lot os emotional support, sadly something lacking from my stbx.
One word of caution though, stop checking up on her! I did this with my ex and it nearly drove me insane. If you feel there is something going on then it might be worth raising the subject but not admitting to what you have done in the quest to find answers. I admitted I`d checked his mobile, checked his post (as he very rarely opened anything personally addressed to him - said he did it all on line, now how dodgy is that?!)and checked up on his chat forums with false IDs in relate counselling which led to him saying he couldn`t trust me in a relationship now and wanted a divorce, when he`d driven me to it by his deceitful antics however I have accepted it was totally out of order and his actions while we were together that I have discovered since he moved out have left me to believe he wanted out anyway. So save yourself heartache, either get on with things without checking up on her or start a discussion. Hope it works out for you
Thanks for the reply. Makes me feel that people are listening especially from a female perspective. I have this horrible belief that IF she has a 2nd mobile that she will carry on using it for the reasons I am fearfull of. Her friend who I talked about did this for a few years !! with various blokes. She is still with her hsuband as they are as bad as each other (he was a long distance lorry driver for a while and so she had most weeks to herself with kids at school and he had the week to himself). I remember when I first met my wife in 1991. She had had various boyfriends allof which turned out bad especially the last one before me as he had spun her a line for weeks and she was besotted with him until she realised he was not what he appeared. So she developed a barrier that involved not trusting anyone. I came along and there were times early on that I don't think she trusted me, even though that sort of thing never entered my head and I would NEVER do anything likke that. So now the shoe seems to be on the other foot and i'm starting to doubt her, hence the checking up. It is driving me a little round the bend. I just want this all to end and we can get back to loving each other and growing old together. I still have dreams of us travelling the world when we are old and grey and she LOVES travelling.
She seems to be telling me through her body language tha she wants space...LOTS of it. Yes, no problem with that but I am scared that will make the gap between us bigger. I seem to be holding on for dear life at the moment and trying not to step on too many eggshells.
I read various messages saying that when a wife applies for a divorce she says there was nobody else involved...only to read that there WAS someone after all, which I fear is the road I am going to end up travelling along.
I sent flowers before xmas with a note telling her how I feel (....I Love you so much and don't want to lose you), but when I got home she said they made her feel angry and they were a waste of money, but I thought it might have been better seeing what I thought in my own handwritting as I coouldn't seem to get that message over in words as she wouldn't talk. I don't understand !
I want to talk to her, get some relate sessions booked, but when I suggested that before xmas, she said NO ! as we had been to relate in 2001 which she instigated (which may have been post natal depression) and she claims that we've tried Relate but she stopped it after 3 sessions and all seemed well after that...until now ! So can't see how it didn't work if we are still together have had some great times together on nights out and on holiday etc.... I feel she needs to talk to someone. I suspect she has spoken to her friend but not 100% sure. She needs to speak to either a professional person (Relate ?) or else someone totally unconnected with all this, but she insisted before xmas that she would deal with it herself - which I don't think is the right thing as most people find that its good to talk. I don't have a clue whats really going on in her head and just want to hear those words....."I do really love you". Now i'm in tears writing this - sorry. That, and seeing my 7 year old daughters face as it drifts away into the distance if we separate.
Sorry to be brutally honest but I already think you know the answer to your own question.
Yes she either has a second mobile or simple changes the sim card. She met someone else when she went out on the girls night out. Not saying that nothing has happened (but it probably has) and her head has been swayed by another interest.
Reading your post saddens me as it seems that you still love your wife. So did I. Unfortunately you will be powerless to 'win her back'.
Confront her. Dont admit to checking up on her, it will make matters worse.
Ask her straight questions and ask her for honest answers. You know your wife so should be able to decide if she is telling the truth.
I predict that she will lie to you.
Sorry but I speak from exerience.
Hearign that makes me quake in my boots that she has met someone else. Still can see how she is meeting up with him as she works Sundays and I'm out some evenings.
There was a big development last night though. I got home from work and the first things she said to me was...." Get the number for relate, we need to book" !! This made me feel scared, but also a bit better as she hasn't ruled it out and is willing to go. When we spoke before xmas she said she didn't want relate sessions as we had done that 6 years ago and "it didn't work" and that wanted a temporary separation to give her space and time. I didn't really want that, but she repeated that again last night, and said that if she didn't get space she would "burst" and end up walkign out for good. She has said that she isn't promising anything with the relate sessions and will see how it goes. Her mum wnet to relate some years ago when her parents went through a bad patch - though i found out last night that was because her mum apparantly had an affair). Her dad refused to go but her mum went and they had a 3 month separation and are still together, though my wife thinks they just "exist" sometimes, which is something she doesn't want to just "exist". She has this notion that IF she goes down the divorce road, that we can be the best of friends and be "together without living together".
I now know that she has spoken to her parents about things and they told her they have no problem if she moved back to their house (5 miles from ours). They told her that they would support us both, (not sure what they meant). She has also told her 2 closest friends (one being the serial adulterer) and the other being a nice mum friend, whose brother went through divorce and is now seeign someone but also has his ex wife and her new husband over for sunday lunch sometimes !!! ( i'd find that really awkward).
I will phone relate later today as I will do anything to make things better. I've spoken (and cried) to my parents last night about the situiation and prepared them for the posibility that I will be a guest of theirs for at least 3 months if relate doesn't work. they told me that their door is always open for me. My dad is concerned that she's going to get alot of money out of any divorce as we have a big house thanks to an inheritence I got from his dad before I met my wife and that it seems to be that my wife is only thinking of herself and nobody else -telling me "it seems to be all me me me" . I'm not bothered about the money as all I want is my wife back.
IF we have a trial separation, which I think is looking inevitable, it would be better for me to move out as our daughters school is only 50 yards away and that my wife only works a tuesday and a Sunday, so I can have my daughter for the Sunday and take a tuesday off work when the schools are off.
Anyone got any thoughts about trial separations ?? I keep thinking they will make any distance between us bigger, or that my wife thinks that it may help giver her space and time to think "long and hard".