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Has my wife got a secret 2nd mobile phone ?

  • Vail
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15 Jan 08 #10742 by Vail
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Well, well, well .... nothing about mobile telephones though, shame.


I am a man who has moved out from the FMH, not to give my wife space, but because I felt the family atmosphere after her affair and subsequent conduct was giving our children an erroneous impression of what family life should be like.

There is no way I could care for the children and work, and no way my stbx could just go out the front door and into a job to earn the same money as I do, so it makes sense for me to continue to work and her to continue to have primary care for our children.

The fact that I can't stand her as a stbx, as a woman and as a person is somewhat balanced by the fact that even though I don't agree with practically everything she does, eats, wears or thinks of, I actually believe that she is actively trying to do what she considers to be the best for our children.

We just don't see eye to eye.

  • sexysadie
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15 Jan 08 #10754 by sexysadie
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I haven't been through the posts again but I don't remember Mr. A having any complaint about the quality of his wife's ability as a parent. She has been the one looking after the child and he appears to be happy for that to continue for the sake of his child. Being unfaithful to your partner is not of itself bad parenting unless the children are neglected as a result.

I don't understand why arguing that the children come first gives women a bad name. In this case the wife has been the main carer and the husband is behaving well in trying to maintain that for his child. What the parents have or haven't done is irrelevant when it comes to the issue of how well the child is cared for. They don't even have to tell the children why they are divorcing(and probably shouldn't, as it is better for them not to know).

There are some very responsible parents on this site, who bite back their anger and grief to make things easier for their children. If one parent has been staying at home looking after the children then it is usually in the children's interests for that situation to continue if at all possible. It is not usually good for children to have their main carer change over to the other parent simply because one has been 'at fault' and the other therefore feels they have a right to stay in the house.

I have carried on posting on this thread because I think it is important to continue to recognise that Mr.A is trying to do the best for his child in circumstances that are sad for himself. Doing that requires self-sacrifice, and I want to support and, indeed, praise that.

Sadie

  • mike62
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15 Jan 08 #10757 by mike62
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Like it or loathe it, both Vail and Sadie do make an awful lot of sense.

In my own circumstances, I am much like Vail - would love to be the PWC, but practically, even though we are separated and divorcing, it is better for me to remain the breadwinner and her the PWC.

It is about what is best for the children. They are what matters in all of this mess. They adapt well to a dual parent/home lifestyle, but to force them to accept a parental role reversal is alien and hugely disruptive for them.

I have some sympathy with gobsmacked's expression of raw emotion in very difficult circumstances, but in the cold light of day, the children look to their parents to provide and care for them. It takes a lot of balls to swallow deeply and soldier on, safe in the knowledge that you singly and jointly are working for the children's best interests. But that is of paramount importance.

Mike

  • Mush
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15 Jan 08 #10767 by Mush
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I think you have mis-understood my comments earlier Mike, I’m not on about the main carer changing or wanting less for Mr A's child/ren than they have now. What I am saying is that he is a man whom through no fault of his own is going to end up living with his parents, seeing his child/ren when his ex dictates and is going to pay for her to live in their home and enjoy the benefits of that. We can all say how much we want for our children, but why should it be at the detriment of the person who has been the victim in all this. Her infidelity was the cause of this and i can't see why he should suffer any more than he has. i will also reiterate that the only thing that he says that would be detrimental to his child if she moves and not him is that the school will be five miles away not 50yds now i'm sure there are many on here that travel with there kids further to school than that. I’m not looking for an argument over this and I think that in the time its taken for all to give their opinion Mr A has probably made his own mind up and are both awaiting the Decree Absolute lol… :)

  • mike62
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15 Jan 08 #10770 by mike62
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Mush, I really wasn't having a pop at you - It was gobsmacked's view that I was commenting on - Believe me, I am as gutted as the next men that gets evicted by his STBX, and she has done that in a strange kind of way.

My point is, difficult as it is, if you possibly can, rise above the man / wife issues, and focus on the child issues. Not everyone can do this and some circumstances make it impossible to do.

No offence intended - can imagine both welcoming the brown envelope! :)

Mike

  • Shepherd
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16 Jan 08 #10782 by Shepherd
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I too am a father of two which moved out of the marital home, it has been the most difficult decision I've ever had to make in my entire life – ever.

However, I did it for the children.

My xw2b threatened me and said that if I didn't go, then she would, and take the children with her. I was extremely concerned about the disruption this would have on my daughters lives and I didn't want them to have to give up their home. My xw2b was the instigator, she decided one day that I was too boring and traded me in for a younger model. Whilst having her affair it was me that was out at work all day providing a roof over our heads, paying bills, heck I basically paid for absolutely everything and I never asked for a penny off my wife, nothing. She didn't even have to put petrol in her car or pay for her mobile phone.

I cherish my children, I would come home from work and it would be my job to put them to bed at night. I would always do my best to read them stories if I wasn't too tired. I feel this is very important in a child's life to have a bedtime story. I would always spend time with them in the evening, asking them how they've got on at school, I would make sure they knew I was there for them, to listen to there problems if they had any, and to help if I could.

I now live alone, the silence is deafening. The woman I married has got a lot to answer for, not only has she completely ruined my life I feel she totally disrupted and confused the life of my children. My xw2b has moved a much younger man in who is now effectively moved into the role of playing Daddy, although he's always maintained he's not trying to do this. My children are confused by this, but they have no choice but to get used to it.

My children regularly say to me how they always hear 'naughty words' that there not allowed to say coming from Mummy's boyfriend.

My children no longer have a nice clean fresh environment to live in, instead its cigarette smoke that pervades the air. Its so upsetting, each time they visit they smell like two little chimneys. Poor things. Their clothes and hair smell of fags every single time I see them, its always the same.

My children rarely have bedtime stories now.

My children stay up far too late and don't have set defined bedtime routine.

My Eldest daughter (she's eight) gets shouted at if she doesn't let Mummy or her boyfriend use her mobile PAYG phone. I bought my daughter this phone and put money on it for her so she can text me and stay in touch with me.

The list is endless and I could go on and on and on ..

What hurts the most though, is some of the most recent texts I've received from my eldest daughter and I quote:-

“I miss you to much and mummy wont give me a hug”

and “I really miss u so much I can not get to sleep”

When I get these messages, I ring her and have a 'secret' chat.. She's crying her eyes out because she's missing her Daddy and wants him. Even as I write this, tears are coming to my eyes. Its truly heart renching.
Why do my children and I have to suffer so much just because my xw2b decides she's fedup and bored of me. Then, she has the children, the home and all of its contents, the newest car, she moves a new man in who's 11 years younger than their Daddy and to top it all I have to pay her an absolute fortune each and every month in maintenance.

The facts speak for themselves really and as you have read, my children's mother is setting an excellent example isn't she – NOT.

  • Mush
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16 Jan 08 #10788 by Mush
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Shepherd, My heart goes out to you, i had to hold back the tears at what your daughters tell you when they call in desperation. i did put a link on this thread to your earlier posts as a warning to MR A and all those that are considering moving out of the FH. I'm truly not against the father moving out when it is right and just for them to do that as we all know our children are our main concern. What your story points out above is that your leaving the FH has had a detrimental affect on your children which is exactly the opposite of what you were trying to do by moving out. Mr A will have to consider whether his move from the FH will have the same negative affect on his children, i.e. he moves out, she moves the new one in and his child suffers and he pays for them to have a life without him in it...

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