Don't know what to do

I've just recently joined this forum as I'm totally confused about what to do next. I've been married to my H for 4 years, I'm 38, he's 53. We've had a pretty difficult time throughout our marriage to say the least with one thing and another. I love him dearly but his jealousy and insecurity is driving me away. He can be lovely person but sometimes hateful which is the side of him I don't like. He's never been violent towards me btw. Sometimes I do not know what mood is going to await me when I walk through the door at night and I'm finding it very difficult to cope.

A little background to my story (I will keep it as short as possible). I had kept a close friendship with an ex before my H and I got married, which my H didn't like, thought it strange that ex's can still remain friends. Anyway he asked me cease contact which I did. Last year, my ex re-contacted me completely out of the blue, at the time things were very unsettled at home and I was on a real downer, it was really nice to hear a friendly voice and we remained in contact. During an almighty row with my H I told him my ex got back in contact and things got steadily worse from that moment. For the last 6 months my H has told me to pack my bags and go away (and that's the polite version!!!) probably about once a week. He says he feels betrayed and is disappointed in me for staying in contact with ex. He is making feel as though I have been having a sordid affair, which I haven't, I have never been unfaithful. BTW ex lives overseas. ex eventually told me he wants more than friendship but my choice was with my H.

The arguments, name calling, me being asked to leave, me moving out for a couple of days here and there to give him space has been going on since July 2007, each time in between we'd both apologise and say we'd give it another go.

We tried marriage guidance which in all honesty we both thought was a waste of time. I have been going to counselling on my own because I wanted to make my marriage work, send time around for both my H and I and I don't want to be another statistic.

We had a great couple of months, no arguments, the odd little dig here and there but nothing that I couldn't cope with. And then just after new year, the whole thing rears it ugly head again and I'm left feeling like 'what's the point?' I'm depressed, constantly crying, I just feel like life isn't worth it and I can't go on waiting to find out when I'm next going to be verbally attacked.

H knows he has to deal with his insecurity, jealousy and mood swings. I miss the man I married. I'm not saying that I am completely blameless. He's worried that he's too old for me and is convinced that I am going to run off with my ex, I really don't know what to do, I love him dearly but cannot see my future with someone who says he doesn't trust me, will never forgive me and will be watching everything I do and everything I say. He's admitted he hates me but still loves me. Doesn't sound like there's much hope for the rest of our marriage.

I would really appreciate some advice.

Thx

I have read what you have written and i feel for you however you may not like what I am about to say. Your H sounds a bit like a control Freak its all seems to be about him there are two people in a relationship not one, why should you not have male friends ex's or otherwise thats where the trust comes from any relationship no trust no happiness because of the 'as you say little digs'. Eventually those little digs will wear away at you bit by bit with the "I dont want you but don't want anyone else to have you" "If I am not happy you are not going to be happy". He needs to stop thinking of himself and start thinking of your needs. Also you deserve happiness not sorrow. Think hard if it carries on get out before its to late. I wish you well and I hope you can come through this. I have been there. God Bless

Thx for your reply. I do sometimes think he can be a control freak, he does like to be in control, but on the other hand he is a lovely person. Its the hateful side of him that frightens me. He is not opposed to me having male friends as long as I haven't slept with them before. He thinks that because I may of done in the past that i'll do it again, so how can anyone possibly be friends with an ex.

I'm thinking long and hard before I take that step towards the big D but I have explained to him that I am not prepared to stay in this kind of marriage, so if we're better apart then so be it.

I understand your reply one side of someone can be wonderful and loving whilst the other....well Jeckyle and Hyde answers that question. However why should anyone have to live with the fear and worry of what are they going to be today it is not the way to live. Your H needs to realise that you ex is an ex for a reason and if he truely trusted you then he should not think of him as a threat if anything he sould realise that he has what your ex lost. If however his insecurity brings him to feel that he is a threat i would wonder if there is another reason for this. Remember a guilty conscience may always try to point the finger of blame elsewhere. Think long and hard about whatever you decision may be but be strong and stand by it. Because if you keep going back you give him more control and the stronger he feels his grip is on you. The problem with that is you slowly start to believe he may be right. That is a long slippery slope to start a journey on. Be strong for yourself.

Sorry to say this but his insecurity will only get worse as he gets older.

Leopards dont change their spots, so its best to take the plunge and leave him before he gives you more grief.

I agree with all the comments so far. I think not knowing what sort of person one is going home to from one day to another is a really awful way to live, and your husband is trying to control your friendships to an unreasonable degree. I think you should get out now, before it gets worse.

Sadie

Annie, I agree also. You seem to be walking on eggshells around him. Its awful.

Youve tried to make it better and its not, how much more can you do. My Ex was getting worse as the years went on and when I looked at his father and his behaviour I thought that there must be more to life.

Recently my Mum had my uncle and aunt to stay. I always liked him, he was the life and soul of any gathering. I felt that something was wrong he didnt seem like i remembered him. They left a few days early after a really bizzare incident too long to go into. The phone to mums became a hotline and all the stories came out going back years (40 years probably). Nobody can understand why he didnt leave her years ago, even her own sister. OK nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, but all I can see is a 70 ish year old man who is so unhappy and who has put up with so much over the years. Perhaps he really loved her but surely love means more than this unhappines.

My point, you are only 38, you have a life ahead and you need to be happy. Yes if you can be happy with your H make it work. If you have exhausted all avenues move on.

Take care.

Tinny