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Sanity - please!

  • braindearth
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10 Jan 08 #10363 by braindearth
Topic started by braindearth
Oh boy, what should i do.

I believe that my wife is preparing to file for divorce, she will base this on her (false) allegations of abuse (non-physical) by me. She keeps saying that she wants to do this slowly (i.e. separation first) but I am not sure I believe her.

I believe that she has in fact been terribly abusive to me throughout our marriage and also have her adultery to fall back on.

My family are pushing me to start the ball rolling, my solicitor suggests to wait and leave the ball in her court.

There is some short term satisfaction to be gained by instigating this, sort of defending my good reputation, but it will certainly precipitate a very angry reaction.

Is it worth it? It is certainly going to happen at some point, is it worth delaying and letting her control each step?

  • gone1
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10 Jan 08 #10364 by gone1
Reply from gone1
Your sol is right. It will save you a lot of pain and cost by letting it happen. Provided U can wait of course. I expect she is trying to lesson the pain herself by doing it in phases. Just let it happen provided that is ok. Your name is not blackened in anyway. Chris.

  • mike62
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10 Jan 08 #10366 by mike62
Reply from mike62

It sounds like it is inevitable. See if you can find your marriage certificate. If you can't then that's what she is doing. She needs it to file for divorce.

Ask yourself the question - Is she hell bent on this?

If the answer is yes, then with the best will in the world, just get on with it.

If you have it in you to take it on the chin, then why make life more difficult than it already is? The outcome is the same.

If she hasn't started proceedings, then you can start them yourself.

Remember, you can withdraw the proceedings at any time. At least you would feel more in control of the situation.

Sometimes it is unclear what our former marital partner's real intentions or motivations are. If you really genuinely feel that there is a possibility of repairing the relationship, sit back and let her play her hand at her pace.

But if you feel that it is over, then why prolong the inevitable?

Are her feelings about facing up to her adultery in a petition any less hurtful than your feelings about her perception of your behaviour?

The answer is probably not - someone is going to have to take it on the chin.

It is a hard question to answer, but only you can answer it.

Good luck


  • bridget de jour
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10 Jan 08 #10368 by bridget de jour
Reply from bridget de jour
Oh dear, thats a tough one that only you really can decide.

I have immense sympathy with you though. My husband wants a divorce (even though he says he loves me), but he is pushing me to do it. Every evening I get the same questions have you seen a solicitor, have you phoned the estate agents etc etc. I keep pointing out that it is him that wants this.

I truly believe he feels if I divorce him, then the end of the marraige is my fault and he can tell people 'she is doing this, she is divorcing me' and this will somehow justify his actions

sorry for going on and good luck with you decision.

  • braindearth
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10 Jan 08 #10370 by braindearth
Reply from braindearth
My difficulty is that she seems so volatile - she tells me she wants to take it slowly but if i put the smallest word out of place she threatens to end the call and "make another one". there is certainly no hope of repairing the relationship, much to my regret, as she has, for reasons that are unknown to me, 100% lost trust in me.

i proposed initial discussion of a parenting plan last night as a way of inducing some co-operation and even that was viewed with suspicion. she thinks it is a tool to take her child away from her. So part of me thinks that this is going to go slowly and amicably only as long as i do as i am told (or am perceived to do so). it is difficult to deal with someone so paranoid and mistrusting but then again it has been impossible to be married to someone like that anyway :)

perhaps i will just wait for it, but will not submit to the allegations she has fabricated about me.

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