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Seperation from an Alcholic - Update

  • rubytuesday
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14 Jan 08 #10613 by rubytuesday
Topic started by rubytuesday
Thought I would give you an update on my situation (mainly cos it helps to write things down!)

My x2b went awayf for about 3 weeks, and returned (univited) just a few days before xmas, things were very difficult, I had already realised that there was no way forward for us, he made no effort to talk about our marriage, anyway, we seperated for good on Boxing Day. He is pushing me to sell the MH, i have asked him to consider not selling it for another 18 months as this will give my older daughter time to sit her Standard grades (O levels) - she has a number of learning difficulties, and i feel that the upset of selling and moving would do untold damage to her exams, so far no answer from my x2b. as the home is jointly owned outright, I feel that my postion may be a bit stronger as we have no mortgage to pay? He is living rent free with his sister, while I am left to struggle with a large house that needs lots of repairs, and no money!

I have also since found out that he has been lying to me, on several accounts. 1 - he was getting more income than he told me (about £500 more), he has spent several thousand punds of savings (he had control of the current and savings accounts), and he was drinking far more than he admitted to (this is typical behaviour of an alcholic). I AM SO ANGRY!!!!! Not just with the way he expected us to live, but with myself for not having the strentgh to do something about my situatin before.

Sorry for rambling, but this is the only place where I can let off steam!

I know life will get better, now that he has gone, it already has, but am angry that I have to deal with everything and have all the worry, while he just lives it up at his sisters, drinking his life away.

  • Jo2008
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14 Jan 08 #10615 by Jo2008
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I am not experienced in this type of situation at all and can only offer you sympathy. What I do know about is children with special needs and think you are right not to be bullied into selling until after your daughter has done her exams. After all its not her fault that you two are no longer together so why make her live any harder than it already is.

Keep your chin up and don't let it get to you, as you said now he has gone your life has improved already so it can only get better from now on.

  • IKNOWNOW
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14 Jan 08 #10621 by IKNOWNOW
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I know from personal experience what it is like living with an addict, because that is what he is. My x2b drinks heavily and has previously run up thousands of pound worth of gambling debts which I was unaware of. Since I asked him to leave at the end of July he has again run up thousands of pounds worth of debt and I can see the same pattern emerging.

Unfortunately I have 5 children and a very large mortgage to pay and am scared where I will be in 6 months time.

I have an injunction in place owing to the abuse he has been giving me, which again I think relates to the addictions.

As there is no issue of your x2b having to pay a mortgage, I think that it is only right that he let you remain in the house until your daughter has done her exams. I have worked in the field of Learning Disabilities and know only too well how all the disruption may affect her. Stick to your guns, neither you or your daughter need the added stress.

When will these people (I won't say men, because some women are the same) learn that their actions have an effect on their children. I know they say alcoholism and excessive gambling are illnesses but what about the people that are mixed up in all this. If they do not admit they have a problem, what can you do? My x2b's actions are going to have a knock on effect for many years to come. Mean while he lives a cosy life with a new woman whilst I struggle to bring up our 5 children with decent morals and a roof over their heads.

I can give my children all the love in the world but he is their dad and always will be.

Sorry, I ramble.

If you have not already seen a solicitor then I would suggest you find one that gives an initial 30 minute FREE consultation to find out where you stand. My guess is that he would have to start divorce proceedings or go for a seperation agreement to start the Financial ball rolling if you don't want to sell. I think at least for a while you have time on your side.

I know laws are different in Scotland but would hope that any right minded judge would look at the needs of your daughter foremost.

Hope it works out.

Regards, Sarah

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14 Jan 08 #10629 by TMax
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futures like ours do improve, it may take a dive for a while at first but with attitude of the good kind and get up and go we make it shining thru.

My X has no intentions of giving up, both my children now have to put any wine/drink they have away from X eyes hiding stuff in their own house is silly but they have to.

Drink also ruins features kids reckon X looks more like 70 than 50, and of course not nice to stand near, so kids only allow X in kitchen sitting on hard dining chair unless smell clean. So this is what your X will have to face in future carry on the way he is :-)do i give a plop what my X looks like Mmmm me thinks not.

I saw here parents to late after I got married and both were alchys looked haggered and definately brain dead.

  • STEPHENXXX
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28 Jan 08 #12172 by STEPHENXXX
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Hi

I sympathise very much with your situation, my wife moved out last September. Her alconol abuse stretches over a very long period and has really torn me apart leaving me completly numb. Only after recent counselling have I realised how much myself and the children have been thru. My wife wants a divorce and although she has caused me untold heartbreak I love her to bits. Whatever happens I want her to get better but don't know what to do. If divorce happens I want it to be uncontested and without any stress. However can I contest any divotce on the grounds of her problem in an attempt to force her to get help?
Can anybody help.

  • tricia079
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28 Jan 08 #12192 by tricia079
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Hi

I can't give any advice on divorce because I am a newby to that minefield but I do know about addiction. Not my xtb, he ran away from the problem and as the social workers put it 'has curtains over his eyes (they lift briefly and he sees, then they fall again)'. It is my daughter, she is a drug addict. My beautiful grandaughter was born an addict last year and had to be weaned off the drugs. My grandson has also suffered, not physically but emotionally.

I know from my work that you can't make someone give up their addictions but personal experience put me in a very less detached position.

Counselling helped me come to terms with my xtbs desertion and my daughters addiction. The book she recommended also helped. It's called Codependent No More - how to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself by Melody Beattie. I got it off Amazon for about £5 (slightly shop soiled). It thaught me that I had to look after myself and learn to live my own life. The hardest difficulties I experienced was wondering if it was my fault, could I have prevented it, what can I do to help/stop it. When you love someone and they are destroying themselves, you and the children, you need to re-evaluate. That means trying to ensure that your home isn't sold at an important time in your childs life, protecting yourself and your children or in my case becoming a mum instead of nan to my grandchildren. As well as accepting that you can't force an addict to give up their addiction.
Good luck
Tricia

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