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lost and lonely and unsure :(

  • peterc
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16 Jan 08 #10783 by peterc
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My wife and i have been married for 15 years, together for 17years, we have 3 beautiful children, and really enjoyed our life together - it all really started going down hill after our son (last child) was born 7 years ago, my wife started to become less and less interested in sex, and didnt want to try things, and i felt resentment building off and built up barriers to protect my feelings, during this period i also was working too hard and drinking too much so my weight shot up.

My wife doesnt need to work as i have a very good but demanding job, so she basically does nothing all day - except shop and 'lunch'. In this time she got friendly with a really nasty woman - who is very poisonous and destructive. She was also friendly with a older bloke (46) - but kept insisting that it was only friends.

In july of last year i took the whole family away to a very exclusive hotel, and did lots of nice romantic things for her (flowers / champagne / chocolates) - the works. It still didnt do any difference, and i found myself completely walled off from her emotionally. After we returned from hols, about 1 month later we had a row and decided that enough was enough and we would split up and separate - she was fine with this, and even encouraged it. So the months dragged on and here was me just lying in bed hoping that my wife would want to come back to me because she would be lonely.

cue forward to New years eve, and at 11:30 a revelation that shocked me to the core - she had been having an affair! - with this older bloke. It completely blew away all of my emotional barriers i had errected, and now i am left a raw and broken hearted person.

She wants to try but keeps talking about 'im not giving any promises', and 'i dont know if it will work'. We are going to councilling, but it is not until next week. She says she wants to try for us, and not for the children (we both agree on this). She also says that she feels pressured by the things i do and say (like i love you, and i wrote her a note about how i feel)

I am very unsure about how to act or behave around her, and what to do or say. I am feeling very low - tearful all the time, i just cant seem to face people at all, i have had problems sleeping, but i seem to have that under control now.

  • phoenix1
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16 Jan 08 #10787 by phoenix1
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Peterc Firstly your are not alone and after reading your story it is EXACTLY the same as mine apart from I found out about her affair on Boxing Day not New Years eve. I am still so much in love with my wife but she to is saying ''im not giving any promises', and 'i don't know if it will work'. We are going to our first counselling session at relate on Friday evening . She also says that she feels pressured by the things I do and say like ''I love you'' but the reason I say them is because I do love her and also because she said she didn't feel loved by me. So when I didn't tell her is was wrong and when I did it was wrong.

Peter, I have started to come to terms with things now and will do everything I can to save my marriage, But the most important thing is ''YOU'' I am sleeping about 3 hours a night if I'm lucky not eating much and realise I can't live like this as it will end up killing me.

I am under no illusion of what my wife has done and she has even told me all about him, how good looking he is, the job and money he has, I can't compete with someone like that and shouldn't compete anyway, We are going to try but I am not holding out much hope as I believe her love for me died a while ago and I will not be a in relationship where the love is one sided. I just need to know one way of the other and it's that, that she can't tell me.

I hope you can see that you are not alone but take a look at yourself and ask what do I want and can I live with it?

Take care and there is always someone here.

Broken1

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16 Jan 08 #10806 by shar
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Hi I feel exactly the same as you except it's my husband not my wife. we have been married for 24years, together for 25years I only found out last Friday by reading e-mails that my husband had deliberately left for me to read that he is having an affair with a woman with whom we have both known for the past 5yrs to say that I felt sick to my stomache is an understatement. We are going to Relate for a consultation tomorrow but my husband has already told me that he is only going to appease me and that he is totally in love with this other woman and has started to hate me which after loving him for such a long time has absolutely devastated me and left me a broken person. There is also the matter of finances I have no children therefore no dependents so I think that I cannot demand any payments from him. I work full time but am not paid a great wage and could not take on a mortgage therefore I am not only losing my husband I am also losing my security and my home.
The only good thing that has come out of it is that in one week I have lost 5lbs in weight.

  • gone1
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16 Jan 08 #10824 by gone1
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Peter. This is a tale of woe that is repeated so many times. I have read countless tales like this one. My own story in part mirrors yours. What should you do? Nothing is my advice.

She has had an affair and how you deal with this is up to you. I remember blaming myself and being blamed for my wifes affair. This is what ended our marriage. But it may not end yours. But that again is your decision. I think you need to decide this 1st of all. Can you accept what she did.

I could not accept it. But thats me. Also I was not to blame and neither were you.

Only once you have reached this decision can you make the 2nd one and that if there any chance of reconciliation. There is no point what so ever of winning your wife back if at some point you cannot deal with the affair. All that will happen is you will be back to square one in a few years.

I am a bit of a cynic nowadays after what I have endured and what I have seen. What I have found out about one aspect of human nature is this. During the early days of a new relationship (in the case where someone relationship hops) there is a period of insecurity about the new one. She may be intending to hang on to you whilst she beds in the new one. Sounds harsh but that is what some people do. They crave the excitement of a new relationship and its like a drug. But they also need the security of the old one and cant let go. Bad news for you is that you get hung out to dry and you may think you are making headway but your not. All this does is heighten your loss and makes it doubly hard for you as you lose out twice.

What concerns me most is the "I love you" statement. Its normal for couples to express there love in words. Denying you this is bad. Its saying "I cant stand you saying this becuase I feel guilt". There is no guilt if there is no wrong doing. And she has done wrong and may do further wrong. And you will be the one that loses out.

The cant face people bit is totaly normal. This is the grieving process that we all go thru. Time is your friend and it will pass. Just hang on to the bumpy roller coaster.

Lastly. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Chris.

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18 Jan 08 #11016 by davej1808
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Peter, I dont have much to add as I think the most important things have already been said. However I did want to say you are not alone. Focus on your children and do what your gut tells you. It's probably right.

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21 Jan 08 #11306 by peterc
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does the pain ever stop? - im finding things very owverwhelming, getting mixed signals from my wife, i just dont know if i can carry on

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21 Jan 08 #11309 by gone1
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peterc wrote:

does the pain ever stop? - im finding things very owverwhelming, getting mixed signals from my wife, i just dont know if i can carry on


Yea these mixed signal mess with your head. There is just so much uncertainty that its hard to see what is going on. Just hold on to the notion that things will straighten out later and you will come out of this a better person. Just concentrate on keeping yourself on track and in time your situation will improve. Many here on the same path as you. Some ahead some behind and also some walking alongside you. You are not alone. Be strong. Chris.

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