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Confused and going mad

  • bridget de jour
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16 Jan 08 #10813 by bridget de jour
Topic started by bridget de jour
For the past 3 weeks my hubby has insisted he wants a divorce. he says I must go to a solicitor and divorce him, I must get the estate agents round to value the house.... and lots of cruel and hurtful things etc etc. (the reason, he cant stand my daughter (not his)!!!
Anyhow after lots of tears and therapy (by you guys on here) I finally did see a solicitor, basically to find out my rights (i did not instruct him to petition for divorce, in fact I told him i wanted to save my marraige)...
Well, now husband is upset that i saw a solicitor without giving him time to calm down (his words not mine)and making statements like i obviously dont give a sh*t about him etc!!!!

Its now like a stalemate situation, we both been polite and he has suggested a day out together on saturday.... what is going on?? We are both pretending everything is normal and nothing has happened etc. I still doing his washing, ironing, cooking etc etc. I am so confused now, but dont want to speak to him in detail in case it escalates into a row... and i admit i am enjoying the calm and improved atmosphere. I love him dearly, but truly beleive he is having some kind of breakdown, unfortunately he would NEVER admit a problem or see a doctor.

any advice or help would be aprreciated!! before I go flipping well insane!

  • Josh2008
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16 Jan 08 #10816 by Josh2008
Reply from Josh2008
In my humble opinion have an argument get it out of the way, shout and ball at each other, you have nothing to lose by it.

My wife and I never did this and after nearly 32 years are getting divorced, if only we had argued or at least told each other how we really felt, things might be different today

He is obviously confused about something by asking you to divorce him, very strange, get him to tell you exactly what it is.

  • mike62
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16 Jan 08 #10818 by mike62
Reply from mike62

I really think that a couple of sessions with Relate would help you enormously.

It will help you to come to terms with where things are, and it would give hubby some breathing space to get to grips with his true feelings.

It would help both of you to understand where each other is coming from, with an impartial and supportive counselor. There is no easy fix or band-aid. Time is the healer.

Trick bit is to get him to buy into it. A management trick I was taught a long time ago to get someone's buy-in to an idea was to feed them just enough positive information about doling that thing that they think they had the original idea.

Maybe it would, maybe it wouldn't work - Anything is worth a try

Best of luck,


  • shar
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16 Jan 08 #10822 by shar
Reply from shar

I totally agree with Josh2008 have a shouting match. If I had shouted at my husband 3mths ago and cleared the air then maybe he wouldn't have started having an affair 3wks ago with somebody he says gives a damn.

Good Luck

  • Specialdad
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16 Jan 08 #10853 by Specialdad
Reply from Specialdad
I am intrigued as to the fact that he wanted a divorce and then tells you to go to a solictor pay for it and get him one!!!

Why doesnt he get off his backside and get the divorce himself????

  • bridget de jour
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17 Jan 08 #10903 by bridget de jour
Reply from bridget de jour
I think if he makes me petition for divorce, then it somehow absolves him from the guilt. You know the @well she divorced me' thing

  • Tinny
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17 Jan 08 #10917 by Tinny
Reply from Tinny
You definately need help. Yes relate might help but from what you describe would he go? Could you go on your own and try and get your own answers.

It simply isnt acceptable to be treated as you are now. How long will all be calm? When will he blow up again?

I know I could never discuss/argue/whatever with my Ex. I always thought I was reasonable but somehow he could turn everything round so it was always me who started the "argument"! I was always the one left in tears.

I had a long phone conversation with an old friend last week. We hadnt spoken for a long time hence the length of the conversation. She put her counselling hat on and suggested some techniques for me to use when I speak with Ex. She had asked me to describe the last "exchange of words" (Christmas morning) and she thought I had gone about it all wrong. She feels I am only giving him more ammunition to throw at me by even attempting to explain even though what I am syaing is reasonable. She feels he is getting a kick out of making me feel bad so I should stop letting him annoy me by walking away (one technique though others mentioned). Obviously your situation is not mine but I know that an outside view helped me see that my approach is wrong. Maybe an outside view will help you find a way forward?

Hope that made sense. Just my rambling thoughts.

Hope your day out works, take care.


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