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Am I being unreasonable?

  • AndyPM
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18 Jan 08 #11084 by AndyPM
Topic started by AndyPM
I found out at the beginning of December 07 that my wife of 18 years has been having an affair with one of her work colleagues, who she still works with. The affair which lasted roughly 12 months has devastated me, its the worst thing I've ever been through.

I work away from home during the week and get home at weekends. Obviously this is when the affair took place. The pair of them were having sex in our house (he's married) whilst our 8 year old son was asleep. I'm not a violent person and I have met and spoken to him since. I didn't hit him, however I did tell him that he was to stay out of my way or I may cause him some injury. His marriage is in name only and he sleeps in an annex to his home. His wife and himself are planning to sell their house later this year and go for a divorce. His wife doesn't know about the affair, yet.

I have told my wife that I still love her, forgive her and that we have to move forward from this, if that is what she wants? Its what I want. We are currently going to relate for counselling and with the support of some friends we can hopefully move on. I have mentioned some conditions though.
I've told her that I can't live in the house for much longer and that I want us to have a fresh start in another city. I've also told her that if she can't agree to this I'll have to divorce her on the grounds of adultery. To say she is not happy with this is an understatement. She thinks I'm bullying her and that its a revenge thing. ITS NOT. I've said (and believe) that the only way I can see us re-building our relationship is by moving to another city. But it also means that she will have to drop down in her chosen career path for a couple of years. She said she's frightened and I understand that, but I didn't bring this situation about.

I believe that if she wants to us to remain together as a family, this is the only course of action. He won't leave, he's already told me that.

I have spoken to the Citizens Advice Bureau and found out that I only have 6 months to divorce her on adultery and that if I cite him as the co-respondent I can claim costs incurred. But that will also mean that his wife might find out and do the same to my wife. I also have an appointment with a Solicitor in a few days to see where I stand, if I decide on divorce.

So the question stands. "Am I being unreasonable"? Can anyone out there think of another solution?

  • Josh2008
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18 Jan 08 #11086 by Josh2008
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Whilst I am totally against adultery, to be honest I find it abhorrent, I have to commend you for standing by your wife, in this most difficult of situations

I think you are being perfectly reasonable, your tactics make sense, moving away means moving on from the situation that occurred.

The question does remain as to why she sought that elsewhere, I appreciate you working away might not have helped, but it is not an excuse.

On the other hand your wife sees it as a 'bullying' or maybe even 'controlling' tactic; somewhere in between if she wants to stay with you there has to be some compromise.

If you continue to live together as man and wife for a period or periods that amount to 6 months or more, before petitioning for divorce, then you cannot file for divorce on 'adultery', but you could still file for unreasonable behavior.

Also I cannot understand why you haven't at least 'sown the seeds of doubt' to this guy’s wife; he will be the loser in that not her and she deserves to know.

Hope this helps a little

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18 Jan 08 #11088 by AndyPM
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Josh.

Thank you for your kind words.

To me adultery is the worst betrayal that a partner can do to another. My emotions are all over the place, I won't say what thoughts I had for the first few weeks.

I have to accept that perhaps in some way I pushed her into the arms of another man and I have to look at myself and see what I was doing wrong.

Today I realised that I may have to speak to her about a compromise, but I can't live in the area we are at the moment. When she goes out now, I'm suspicious and I don't like being like that, (I never used to be) thats why I strongly believe that the best option is a move away so that we can start anew.

I forgot to mention earlier on that I have spoken to his wife about 3 weeks before I found out about my wifes infidelity. I asked her if she knew anything. she stated that she suspected something had been going on and that she had confronted him with it, but he denied it (there's a surprise). I have'nt spoken to his wife since and she still doesn't know. Friends are telling me that I should, but I don't know??

  • Specialdad
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18 Jan 08 #11089 by Specialdad
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Sorry to say this but the marriage is over.

She would not have been ufaithful if she had loved you.

Divorce her and move on.

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18 Jan 08 #11092 by AndyPM
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Specialdad.

Thanks for your reply.

But I think that there is a chance. Perhaps I'm being stupid, but I hope not. She has told me that she still loves me, and I believe her. I hope that you are wrong.

  • sexysadie
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18 Jan 08 #11093 by sexysadie
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I don't think your marriage is over and that you still have a chance if you are prepared to forgive your wife, go to counselling and try to start again. However, I don't think it is fair to do this with such a strong precondition. I am sure that it does feel to your wife like revenge on your part, and that won't help matters. The only precondition you should have is that she gives up her lover.

Your wife is prepared to give up her relationship with this other man to give your marriage a chance. It may not feel like it (and lots of people will probably disagree with me) but this is a sacrifice on her part for the sake of her marriage with you. You are now also asking her to give up her home, her friends, and take a back step in her job, in order to try to save your marriage, in circumstances when she is presumably still apart from you all week.

So what happens if it doesn't work out? Your wife will (among other things) have lowered her earning capacity just when she needs to maximise it.

I also don't think it is your place to tell the wife of your wife's lover. They are planning to divorce anyway so and already more or less separated so in some sense it is not even her business.

Best wishes,
Sadie

  • Josh2008
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18 Jan 08 #11094 by Josh2008
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I entirely agree with Specialdad

YOUR emotions are all over the place because you cannot understand what has happened to YOU.

Do not blame yourself in any way for what she has done, she is in the wrong, it is too easy to start blaming yourself and for something that was entirely wrong and in my opinion unforgiving.

A man or a woman seeking intimate companionship outside of a healthy marriage are despicable beings not worthy of forgiveness.

Of course I don't know your full circumstances, but if your wife was that desperate she could at least have spoken to you about her loneliness or wanting more than you could offer due to work commitments.

It is not unreasonable to expect that from someone who says they love you.

I am sorry if my words seem somehow cruel or hurting, but there really is no excuse for this type of behavior, whilst you are away working you B******S off to support her and any children and a home.

Specialdad said, she wouldn't have done it if she loved you, just think about those few important words, you are the innocent party in this mess, even his wife had some doubts, there's no smoke without fire, and the smoke has not yet settled.

Who knows what lies ahead, obviously you love her, which seems in no doubt, but can you honestly make love to her and not see him.......

I hope everything goes OK for you no matter the outcome, it takes time and a lot of it for the innocent party to get over it, but there is no truer saying than 'Time is a healer'

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