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Am I being unreasonable?

  • Josh2008
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21 Jan 08 #11326 by Josh2008
Reply from Josh2008
Hmm Looby very interesting question

Be nice to know how many forgiving spouses are actually themselves adulterers...

Anyway I can state categorically, I am 52 years old, married for nearly 32 years, now going through divorce, and was a virgin prior to meeting my wife, never even thought about being unfaithful, during courtship, marriage or even separation

Been separated over 2 years and still feel the same way, am I not normal............

C'mon Guys and Gals, let's have some figures to back up

  • AndyPM
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21 Jan 08 #11344 by AndyPM
Reply from AndyPM
I've known my wife for 21 years and in all that time I've never strayed. Yes, I've looked, but no more than that. I still don't want to stray, all I want is for us to start again.

  • Tinny
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21 Jan 08 #11348 by Tinny
Reply from Tinny
Josh/Lobby et al
Yes interesting question....it made me think.

I suppose it also depends on what you call being unfaithful or what adultery means personally, I think we all know the legal definition.

I'm in my 40's and was married for 18 years but together for longer. I was completly faithful throughout my marriage but Ex was not "in my eyes". He would state if questioned that he was completly faithful but I caught him after about 9 years of marriage literally with his trousers round his ankles. I stayed for another 9 then I "strayed", totally out of character (I dont even flirt, its not me).

I know I committed adultery, but I owned up, confessed and left Ex. I couldnt live a lie. I dont think I ever forgave or forgot what he had done in the past. To me it is all or nothing and despite it not being a full blown affair my trust was gone. That and other behaviours did it for me.

After I told him I was leaving he wanted me back. I would never have contemplated that despite obvious hardships I was going through. Maybe because of what he had done in the past he could have forgiven me....I doubt it, it would have been the rod for my back from then on in.

Probably doesnt make sense, but hope you followed some of it.

  • loobyloo
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21 Jan 08 #11352 by loobyloo
Reply from loobyloo
hats off to you .... i sincerely wish you all the best.. you deserve it

  • loobyloo
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21 Jan 08 #11354 by loobyloo
Reply from loobyloo
I respect you so much...thats my point if you stray its over and best to admit it.... loadsa men/women do flirting/straying in the sense etc...if thats the case there is defintely a problem
maybe we live in a too liberal society ...who knows.... I know that my marriage was dead in the water the day i realised i and he craved extra only he helped himself to his and me i only moved on after seperation
love looby (god sound like a jezza kyle candidate.. and i'm so not!!!!)

  • Fiona
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21 Jan 08 #11356 by Fiona
Reply from Fiona
I had a relationship of 23 years with my ex and have been separated almost 9, divorced 4 years. Neither of us were involved with anyone else until at least two years after we separated when my ex found g/f number 1. That was fine, it made him happy and in turn it made everyone else's life easier (my ex suffered long term clinical depression)

It does seem being left for someone else is especially painful but I think an affair usually follows a long period of trying to cope with uncomfortable feelings of dissatisfaction, alienation and /or loneliness. An affair is often just one way from many of coping. Let's face it divorce really happens because people have different standards in one form or another they can't reconcile.

  • yferch
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21 Jan 08 #11401 by yferch
Reply from yferch
I think that you may just want to be away from the environment that will remind you of her infidelity i.e that bed, that house, which is understandable and also the same environment that you may feel will maybe cause her to fall back into an old habit either with her previous lover or with the same problems.

Perhaps you could just change the bed, or the house. No matter where you move, there will still be issues to be addressed. It's like she cant eat the cake if I take the cake away. She still wants the cake though.

There is also your son, what about his school, his friends, the upheaval for him.

Be careful that you dont ask for too much, which may cause resentment in the future. It would be unfair for her to accept your proposal due to her guilt.

I dont believe there is any excuse for infidelity, once trust is lost it is so hard to regain. However if you are willing to work at your relationship then good for you, I wish you luck and that you and your family will be happy.

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