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Am I being unreasonable?

  • loobyloo
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22 Jan 08 #11418 by loobyloo
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It is a very tricky situation, unfaithfulness dosent have to be physical... living a lie and staying in loveless relationship is in fact being unfaithful to thine self... so if we can do that to ourselves... what a humans are we capable of doing to others
just a thought

  • gone1
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22 Jan 08 #11428 by gone1
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Fiona wrote:

It does seem being left for someone else is especially painful but I think an affair usually follows a long period of trying to cope with uncomfortable feelings of dissatisfaction, alienation and /or loneliness. An affair is often just one way from many of coping. Let's face it divorce really happens because people have different standards in one form or another they can't reconcile.

Being dumped is hard. Especialy when you have given years and years of loyal service. I never cheated on my wife. Never looked at another women. I just wasn't interested. I thought our marriage was good after 12 years. It clearly wasn't and I think I was asleap and comfy in our relationship. I never thought that she would stray at all. But some people cannot be faithful.

There were times when I was treated badly. I think during these times she was seeing someone else. Not as bad as 2006 but she was caught that year.

Now I am glad this has happened. It has awoken me. I now have a totaly wonderful new life. I have more friends now then I ever had (I was never allowed friends). And I am totaly in control of my own destiny. I still have ups and downs but so does everyone else. The very good good news is that I didnt just survive I thrived. One of the last rows we had she said to me "you will never survive on your own" I did more than that. That was the best thing she could do for me. I asked her to repeat it and I thanked her for it. In fact that is the best thing she could have done for me. If you are reading this poodle Thank you!

No one controls what I do and success or failure is in my hands. But I digress and am banging on :)Chris.

  • confusedbuthopeful
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22 Jan 08 #11518 by confusedbuthopeful
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I'm so sorry for you and can feel and empathise with your pain, sorrow and sense of betrayal. On reading your situation (and you can certainly ignore this impartial reaction if you want) it seems to me that you are on a hiding to nothing. Your wife is not coming anywhere near halfway to meeting you but if she wants to re-build your relationship she should be doing so. Ask yourself the hard question (it'll be the hardest of your life): is our relationship at an end and can I face that fact and do something about it?
I was advised against adultery because of the time factor and the evidence needed and went for 'unreasonable behaviour' instead (covers a broader canvas apparently).
My main advice would be to get yourself a really good, experienced and above all tried and tested, recommended solicitor (I'm on my 4th and I hope the best).
Relate I'm sure varies from area to area but my (solo) experience was only middling useful as the counsellor after one session told me to get myself a good solicitor!
To finish, you'll make a decision and you may not know for years whether it was the right one. I can only wish you good luck. Obviously being still in the thick of it myself, I'm not much help but if you want to talk I think I'm on this site as 'confusedbuthopeful'.

  • AndyPM
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03 Jan 10 #173233 by AndyPM
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I haven't been on this site for a while and thought I'd post an update.

I'm now divorced. She decided that she wanted to be with her new man and eventually asked me for a divorce!! Am I still in pain, Yes!! Do I want my life back before the affair, Yes!! Am I involved with anyone else, No!! I thought I was ready and have been on a few dates, but I still think of my (ex) wife and I've decided that I don't want to be involved with anyone until I'm completly over her, it wouldn't be fair to another woman...

At the moment I just want to meet people as friends and let nature take it's course, however I've been locking myself away and not meeting people. So my New Years resolution is to get out and make new friends. I still get upset and cry (mainly in private), but it is getting less frequent!!

I hope you all have had a great New Year and that you have found what you are looking for? Andrew

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03 Jan 10 #173239 by asram
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My New Years Resolution is to "Get a Life".

Because of my exs job (Army) the majority of our social life revolved around the Mess. Because we moved every two years or so I have friends but they are scattered around the UK. Moving to a new area, away from these friends and family has meant that I have had to totally start again. Which is good in many ways but can be lonely.

So Im going to have to get out there, eeek! What form this takes I havent decided yet. I have made the decision to travel and see friends more (bless them they dont know yet :unsure:). But what else my "Get a Life" plan involves is still a mystery.

Watch this Space


  • Debbiew
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03 Jan 10 #173254 by Debbiew
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Hi AndyPM

5 years ago my Hubby cheated on me with My work colleauge!!!!

I never ever expected him to cheat!!! He did not no why he had done it and had no explanation to why!!!

We went to relate!!! and seperated for 9 months but ended up back together!!!

I had to give up my job as there was no way I could work anywhere near her and when we got back together again we moved house!!!

5 years on............

Im divorcing him for UB he has never changed!!! just got worse!! It was as if he had a taste of the forbidden fruit!!!

Me??? 5 years ago I was in a mess valium the lot mates did shifts to look after me!!!! this time I have coped 100 times better as I now see him for the lying cheating so & so he is!!!

Get out there and live life!!!!

Debs ;)

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03 Jan 10 #173268 by AndyPM
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For those of you out there who are going through finding out about a unfaithful partner, I'd just like to say this... If you still have feelings for him/her it is going to be a very difficult time for you, as it was/is for me, but it is getting easier.. Still not there yet, but it is getting easier.. Friends and family will tell you this, but you won't believe them but they are right. Time eventually will heal and I feel that I'm nearly there, and you will too!! Good luck and try to enjoy life...

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