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Am I being unfair?

  • stressedandsad
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20 Jan 08 #11274 by stressedandsad
Topic started by stressedandsad
My x2b and I have had probs and I went to relate but could not get him to go, it was started that he was mentally and verbally abusing me. This carried on and I kept being told to forget everything because he said sorry. I thought I was losing my mind - not helped by him telling me I was!
It turns out on holiday that he was not given permission just decided to go and blamed me - told me it was all my fault. We get back to a disciplinary where I play the doting wife and listen to all the things he did to colleagues - as he did to me. He is dismissed and I get told I WILL SUPPORT him until he is ready to go back to work. So off I go day in and out believing he is trying to find jobs. No he is in chat rooms with both sexes. He takes many photos of himself dressed up and I later discover a computer full of them. I asked him why he didn't say anything before the marriage or when we got together
I filed for divorce as I felt this was the nail in the coffinand I can't get all the picures out of my head.
I had a 3 hr phone call with him where he told me

I think you are being very stubborn not forgetting about the photos
You shouldn’t feel it is your fault, perhaps you feel inadequate, you are not a mug or an idiot and you are not to blame
Perhaps I was jealous because you are sexy
I’ve always loved you, yes I was horrible to you, yes I used to shout at you, but I’m sorry about that. I don’t want a divorce. I am besotted with you. I want all the account spending cross referenced so I can check it
It also doesnt help that he told everyone I threw him out cos he lost his job and I didn't want to support him

The trouble is I do want a divorce, I am not liberal enough to enjoy clothes and make up shopping with my husband for my husband. I never realised how unhappy I was living with Jekyll and Hyde and how controlling he was
I don't feel I am being unreasonable - would anyone else do the same or do you think I am a bad person as well?

  • mike62
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20 Jan 08 #11278 by mike62
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Stressedandsad,
When we form relationships, we do it on the basis of what we believe a person to be. If at sometime in the future, our illusions are shattered, and this person turns out not to be who we expect, is that our fault? No. If the person we believed in tries to manipulate and use us to further their own agenda, is that the basis of an equal loving partnership? No. If our love for someone is so strong that anything they do is forgivable, then maybe it is right to continue with that person. But in your case, I think that you have passed that milestone.
I have a hotel that has a public bar. We had a regular visitor who was a farm worker in his 40s. He used to dress in skimpy tops, mini-skirts, fishnet tights, boots and wear a wig and full makeup. He had about 10 different outfits. He would always appear when we were at our busiest. He got a kick out of seeing people's reaction to him. However, he was the most unconvincing cross dresser imaginable. He had a hairy chest, dirty fingernails, farmer's hands, a five o'clock shadow and looked just like a bloke. Why did he do it? God only knows. He had a wife and 3 daughters. His wife let him do it. Who knows why? He was the object of such ridicule, but it didn't stop him.
IMHO, you have had enough. Rightly so. My STBX would not have stood for 25% of what you describe. I dont think you are being unfair. He has had life choices and taken them. Did he include your hopes, wishes and aspirations in them? I think not. Just my opinion, but I hate to think of you believing you should just accept this.
Best of luck and take care
Mike

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20 Jan 08 #11281 by stressedandsad
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Mike
Thank you so much for that and it means even more because you are male.
I know this probably sounds crazy but I feel like he has died - I don't want to see him again because the person who stands there will not be the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I will only see the pout lip gloss, stockings , high heels etc. He is determined he will move back in and not divorce me though.
He is supposed to be collecting some of his things next weekend and I am so scared he will not go or leave the house once he gets back in. He was asked to leave and did but when he came back for a chat he grabbed the keys and tried to get away. My Mum is going to be there as a third party as he keeps coming out with all this rubbish and it is only his word against mine. My Mum though is really ill so would not be able to do anything - not that I know if there is anything I can do. Is there anything I can do? set a time limit? Advice greatly appreciated.

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20 Jan 08 #11284 by mike62
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SAS,
If you really think he may try to do something untoward then I would suggest that you seek a non-molestation order against him. You are clearly frightened by him and his demands. You have sufficient evidence of his behaviour with what is on your computer. I would recommend that you print examples of his more extreme pictures any e-mails (provided that the account is not password protected and he thinks you don't know the password) and remove it to a place of safety. See a solicitor and take professional advice. If you obtain a non-molestation order, he is not allowed on pain of legal remedies, near you or your home. If he requires things from the home, ask him for a list of what he requires, agree a time when he can collect, and leave them on the front doorstep in a weatherproof bag on your way out. Don't be there at the appointed time. Change the locks on the house.
It is extreme, but so is his conduct. Time to look after you.
Best of luck
Mike

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20 Jan 08 #11286 by stressedandsad
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Mike
Thanks again - I think I will look into this. I just don't know his agenda and I couldn't live with him again. I don't want the confrontation of him not going and I just think the minute his foot is in the door that will be it. He hates living with his parents and he is adament that I will not get the house. You would think he was giving it to me whereas I want to buy him out 50/50 and be rid of him.
I hope your situation is okish!

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21 Jan 08 #11288 by mike62
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SAS,
Compared to yours - it's a walk in the park. To me - It's moderate to sh*te. But we all have a different perspective, and different drivers. As I said - look after you.
Mike

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21 Jan 08 #11289 by stressedandsad
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and you - I hope I can return the support should you need it

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