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Wife takes flat for sleeping and....?

  • Chicofingerflapper
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21 Jan 08 #11403 by Chicofingerflapper
Topic started by Chicofingerflapper
My wife of 18 years - both faithful - has just taken a flat to sleep in, but spends most of her non-work time in the family house. We have 3 boys - 17,13 and 11. I found out about her affair in November to which she replied she wanted to separate anyway. Now we are supposed to be on trial separation - getting on better than ever most of the time but she is carrying on her affair, so I question her commitment to trying to see if we can get back together again, though she is going to Relate with me. I'm confused. Is she really serious that we could get back together again? Is she just doing this as a phase 1 of moving out? Or if we carry on getting on, maybe her affair will fizzle out and she'll make a go of our marriage. I carry a lot of hope that we can repair our relationship, but feel really humiliated that she is brazenly carrying on her affair, and incredulous that she has moved out and the kids know this.

Funnily enough, the only other occassion I've heard of anything similar was with the same philanderer. He seduced his best friend's wife, who also took a flat. The affair finished when the philanderer (a "friend" of 17 years and father to my son's best friend) went back to his wife. Now their relationship is separate again - his wife has rejected him - though he's still living with his wife and children) and so he has turned his attention to my wife! Any advice? The I - Ching suggested I blow like a tree in a breeze - stay cool and hope for the best - I can tell you that is very hard!

FYI my wife recently turned 50, has progressed brilliantly at work, and her periods have just stopped.

  • gone1
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22 Jan 08 #11425 by gone1
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Ummmm. Sounds like she wants the penny and the bun mate. She can conduct her affair and she can play happy families at the same time. She is using you. And her kids to act out this charade. How much do you value yourself that you can be used in this way? Can you realy accept that she can be having sex with someone else and then come back to you and expect the same? This will eat at your self respect and in the end destroy you. In the end she will choose the other party and you will be desposed off. What state will you be in then? Will you be able to deal with it?

But we are not all the same. I would never accept this sort of behavour but I am not you. But please have some regard for yourself and put an end to being used as a doormat. Chris.

  • denmanra
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22 Jan 08 #11432 by denmanra
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mate, like chris says we are all different, it has taken me two years of pain , lies, deciept and utter betrayal to realise that i was being used and still am until i get closure, start valuing yourself as chris says, otherwise it will eat you up, good luck

  • Specialdad
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22 Jan 08 #11433 by Specialdad
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Sorry to say the marriage is over.

If she loved you she would not have been unfaithful.

Divorce her and move on old chap.

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22 Jan 08 #11447 by Chicofingerflapper
Reply from Chicofingerflapper
Thanks for your messages. This is exactly what I can't decide. To me it appears it is over but I retain hope because I love her. I've told her the present situation is unsustainable, but she shrugs her shoulders. I've said I'd prefer her to tell me its over and get divorced if that is how she feels, but she says that she is OK with a trial separation. My love for her stops me petitioning for divorce - and also I'm living with the kids now - if we divorce no dount I'll be the one who sees significantly less of the kids.

basically I'm in a state - haven't slept properly for over 2 months - anxiety levels very high - not good at making decisions by myself - need to talk - emotions all over the place. One day fine the next really down

  • Monitor441
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22 Jan 08 #11448 by Monitor441
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What you need is soome advice on what will happen if/when you do divorce.

Can you post some details of both your incomes, you assets (pensions, savings, cars etc), your house value, your mortgage etc and you will be given advice on the likely outcomes

On the boys, I am a father who found out about his wife's affair and now I share the care of my two children (11 and 9) on a week on/week off basis. It is not the norm but the children wanted to spent equal times with both of us. I have rented a house 1/2 a mile from the FMH and the kids attend the same schools, same activities and see the same friends who ever they are staying with.

You are in a sh*te place - total limbo - whilst she just carries with her affair. I have been there and you need to make a decision and get on with one way or the other as this is the only way you can move on with YOUR life.

Good luck

Mon

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22 Jan 08 #11450 by Specialdad
Reply from Specialdad
Be a man take a decision. Divorce her, dont wait for her.

Dont waste your time, money or energy.

If Churchill had been as indecisive we would would have lost the last war.

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