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What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

What steps can we take to reach a fair agreement?

The four basic steps to reaching an agreement on divorce finances are: disclosure, getting advice, negotiating and implementing a Consent Order.

What is a Consent Order and why do we need one?

A Consent Order is a legally binding document that finalises a divorcing couple's agreement on property, pensions and other assets.


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How do you get over it?

  • in_shock
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04 Jul 07 #1153 by in_shock
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It's all very raw and new, and confusing, and upsetting etc etc. Whilst I was away on a 2 week family holiday to Australia (couldn't afford for us to both go)he got so lonely he sought solace in a chat room and found his new squeeze. Up to that point I believed we were solid as a rock and the best of friends, soulmates. Since I returned 3 weeks ago life has completely turned on it's head and I'm in freefall. He wants a divorce - hence me coming to this website to get some general info. Been together 5 years, married for 2 1/2. Met at work, still work in the same office. He has yo yo'd, saying he doesn't know what he wants, plays my emotions like a professional,giving false hope time and time again then crushing me with cruel words and flaunting his communications and visits to her under my nose at home and at work. I had arranged many interventions to try and improve myself (after the catalogue of reasons I've been given for why all the problems are of my making), including counselling, seeing the GP about my snoring etc. It seems he has finally concluded that the grass is greener with the younger model (not before delighting in providing me with far more info than I need)and it's over. I'm totally devestated and cannot cope. I can't face the thought of working together and still having to live together until this gets settled, it's a cruel living nightmare which keeps twisting the knife. I hate myself because I still want him and still being dumb enough to sleep with him on one of the days he throws out a glimmer of hope. This is a downward spiral, where I fear I will lose all dignity, self respect and the ability to trust anyone in future. How the hell does anyone ever get over this dispair? It's totally overwhelming

  • Sez
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05 Jul 07 #1161 by Sez
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Have you been to see your GP yet? They may be able to make suggestions, such as medication to help you cope in the short-term, counselling to help you grieve for your relationship, etc.

I went through a similar issue when my husband left. I had taken a day off work in the hope that we'd spend some time together (he worked evenings), and was just going out of the door for a coffee with my best friend when he announced that it was over. Completely out of the blue. I tried for several days to convince him that he still loved me, I continued sleeping with him, and the original plan was that we would continue to live together. I was convinced it was a phase and he would get over it and realise he still loved me. A few days later, I found out that he was already involved with someone else, and I completely lost it, knocked out one of his teeth :blush:and kicked him out of our home.

I was so distraught that I began self-harming again (something I had managed to stop in my late teens) and my doctor put me on a cocktail of sedatives to keep me calm, and fortunately, I have several very good friends who helped me work through it. I spent three months signed off work, and most of that time I spent sleeping or on the phone to one of my "lifelines". I'm now just about off all the new medication and finding life with my new partner is a massive improvement on what I had.

It's never easy, especially when you are forced to continue co-habiting. If your husband is 100% that it's over (and I suppose you need to ask yourself whether or not you would even be willing to have him back if he changed his mind now), then I think you need to sit down with him and have a conversation about where to go now. If you MUST continue living together for financial reasons, then he needs to respect that he may well be happy with his new squeeze, but it is cruel for him to deliberately "turn the knife". Could you try some kind of mediation so that you can both say what you need to in order that you might at least be civil to one another, rather than trying to live as you are. It's not fair on either of you.

  • madabout
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05 Jul 07 #1173 by madabout
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My ex doesn't live with me he moved straight in with my friend! And he still comes round as though he lives in the house. I know what you mean about despair - I can't forget him and still would have him back - even if logically words can't express what I think of them!:S

  • in_shock
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05 Jul 07 #1179 by in_shock
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Thank you both for responding. I haven't been to the GP yet, although some friends and the counsellor have suggested it. There are so many complicated factors that mean it would be difficult and detrimental to my career if I took any time off right now. ALthough I would dearly love some real time away from work it will mean I could possibly miss the opportunity of a secondment, more money and a way out of being in the same office as him (he would act up into my job). It would be a chance to get my teeth into something different and hopefully keep me occupied enough to get through this. I'm also a bit wary of medication as I think I have an addictive personality and wonder if dulling the pain will help in the long term or whether you do just need to go through it?!?!?!? I don't trust myself or understand why I continue to sleep with him it makes no sense. I think it's because my esteem must be at an all time low. I have asked him to move out - rent a place or whatever until the house stuff get sorted. I don't know how this stands legally, as he said he will, but will only do so if it is done legally so that he can prove he does not lose his rights to the equity etc. We bought the house together when partners, got married since. Does anyone know if this is necessary? I would gladly go through mediation, if not only to establish agreed ground rules for when he does leave, but I don't think he would comply. I feel that this is just going to get a lot worse before it gets better. Originally he was hoping I'd be able to buy him out, I'm not sure I can afford it, and haven't had the energy or the gumption to do anything practical like start working out if it is viable. Additionally he listed very few items that he wished to take. I fear now that he is looking at unfurnished flats there could be a bun fight over furniture too. The complications just increase. I think he wishes I'd just evaporate, problem solved. Right now so do I.

  • Athene
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06 Jul 07 #1196 by Athene
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The problems are not of your own making. Things I found helpful were:

1. legal advice (I wrote down the position and my questions first). This meant I had some idea of the best and worst that could happen in legal terms. I would always rather know.

2. insisting he move out. It wasn't easy and he didn't want to go at once but it was far less painful than having him around all the time. It meant that I had made a decision too and that I had my own space at home.

3. friends. This isn't as easy as it sounds as people don't always take the side you expect but I'll never forget the support from friends (some just sending e-mailing, letters, phoning, etc.)

4. making my own decisions. There must be something you would like to do that he wouldn't approve. So long as it's not illegal or horribly expensive, why not do it? Even watching the film or TV programme he didn't like can feel like a declaration of independence. And it shows that you care about yourself and take yourself seriously.

Yes, it does hurt and will hurt for some time. But it does get better and easier. As you learn to value yourself more (it's hard when you feel rejected) you will start enjoying life more. Valuing yourself more will also force your husband to respect you more. And if your husband says something really horrible, it can be a good idea to tell a supportive friend so that you can laugh together at how very silly he is being - it is possible.

Good luck. You don't have to take any of this advice because you know your circumstances better than I do. But these things worked for me - not immediately, but over time.

  • madabout
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06 Jul 07 #1204 by madabout
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I know that evaporate feeling - last night I could easily have curled up in a ball and never woken up! Particularly as it is 25 years today that I met him.
But life will go on and you and I will survive - and this forum might help. It is good to know there otheres who feel like me.

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