Married for 17 years, 2 kids, seperated for 1 year and now want to go ahead and severe all ties.... BUT seems only option open to me is unreasonable behaviour. No alarming incidents just dont love him anymore.. plus im not keen to get into the he said she said types of arguements. led seperate lives, bored (but how can you put that!), no emotional support from him (massive weight loss and still on anti depressants after 2 years!) Guess thats one good thing!! so nay idea what would 'do' in a divorce petition anyone??? seeing solictor soon but wd like to keep the timing/costs spent with her to a minimum!!
Well, one thing is certain, the allegations don't have to be serious. What you describe is a common enough situation, where the fact of the matter is the parties do not love each other any more and there are all sorts of little niggles and irritations which tend to happen in such circumstances. That sort of thing happens in the best of marriages, but if you are even seeing a solicitor with a view to filing for divorce, that shows that you, at least, think the marriage is over, and it takes two to make a marriage work.
I do not know how your husband feels about divorce, but some solicitors recommend that the contents of a divorce petition based on unreasonable behaviour are agreed in advance and kept low key so that the whole thing goes through on the nod with allegations that don't really reflect on your husband as a person - like lack of common interests and no emotional support - too much time working, and so on.
If you don't mind me saying so, ma'am, this is not what tends to cause the problems with divorce. These arguments tend to revolve round the arrangements for the children and the disentangling of the finances.
I think that most people who would answer queries like yours would endorse my sentiments that it is better to try and sort these things out by negotiation rather than have a full blown fight in Court, which adds enormously to the costs, and the only winners are lawyers. This is one of the reasons you would want to try and make the allegations of unreasonable behaviour as bland as you can - it can make a negotiated settlement easier to achieve.
When you see your solicitor, try and tell her about your proposed arrangements for the children, and bring with you as much information as you can about your respective finances. Ask about mediation, which can be useful if your husband is willing to co-operate.
That is probably enough for the moment but you can always come back if you have any questions.
yes im trying to keep it as bland as poss as im not into annilating (spelt wrong!) his personality.
he dosent want to divorce - i had said i wd wait 2 years so i didnt have to list any shortcomings. ive offerred him to divorce me but he doesnt want that even though hes been on blind dates and is currently seeing someone. i am not. however i wish him all the luck with his new relationship - honest i do!
have met with solictors to agree a deed of seperation in a collarborative way. that seemed to be going well but then i thought what is important to me re the financial split?? so as he'd offerred me the house and he kept the other house we rent out plus his pension (Armed forces one so shd be quite large i think)but to pay me maint (above csa rec guides) a few months back. O thoight why not dont want to skint him.. i have a good job and cd cover the mort on my own wages.. so i took him up on the offer a few weeks back. only once we had agreed it and agreed to complete the deed of sep through his lawyer - , and call mine off, so he cd control it... he went back on it and said he needs me to sign over some of the house if i die... not happy with this - happy as agreed to leave it to the kids (2). perhaps i shdnt have mentioned wills in the conversation but i felt it was going so well.. silly me. so i have decided that i need to get it sorted sooner rather than later. can you tell me does it matter that we have been seperated for just over a year??? and now i have decided to do it? he irritates me at times now but that cd hardly be called un reasonable...
I just stuck my hand up to Adultery , even tho I did,nt. Its an uncontested divorce we both want it & that seemed the quicker painless option. All finances were sorted thro mediation & we are going halfers on an online divorce. Everyones a winner !! Good luck,
i have already offered him to divorce me as i dont see it as a big thing (who kicks off the divorce) but thats not something he will do. he see it as a big thing and a reflection on him - which i dont agree with. after all i dont love him anymore, nor do i want to spend the rest of my life with him. i guess im just further along the acceptance thing than he is. how can i make/push him further along the acceptance thing - dont think i can tho!
does it lessen my case the fact that we have been seperated for over a year tho???
Trak, Does the divorce have to happen now or can you wait another year & just petition him on the 2 year seperation thing ? He,ll probally be over it by then & or met someone else etc. My situation is very similer to yours , my wife told me she did,nt love me 18 months ago, I worked hard at the marrige for a year & her feelings returned but ...... mine changed. We are now in the position of realising the marrige is well & truely over & have remained very good friends ever since. We are both seeing other people & any love there is purely platonic. I concider myself very lucky . OK it was a bumpy ride in the begining but we have worked through that now & both have a fantastic future ahead of us. The mediation sessions made sure of that. Try booking up a mediation session , it may well put his mind at rest regarding his future , which was tbh my biggest worry when all this started. Maybe hes hanging on because of that ? Its worth a try.
dobber (sorry to call you dobbs earlier!)
yes hes in another relationship and im happy about that. but oddly enough seems to think its still ok to tell me he loves me and can he come back... perhaps this is his way of dealing with it.. im on my own and also happy about that.
i take your point about the 2 yr limit cos thats what had originally intended to do to keep it fair and friendly. we do have a good relationship, i see we have to maintain that as we have kids - its not an option to fight to the death for me! i tried for 6 years to change how i felt but i cant. i have accepted that but hes not as far down the line as i am.
we are going through collaborative law at the mo and i hope that will continue, it works well but i hate giving my moiney to solicitors!
im interested to hear you say hes worried about his future, what worried you...? i only ask as that may help me give him some reassurance, im aware not all men are the same! im not looking to fleece him i just need him to be fair and hes being a bit diff right now