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help with unreasonable behaviour

  • jack2
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22 Feb 08 #14812 by jack2
Topic started by jack2
I have been married for 24 years to a controlling, verbally abusive bully. Last September after yet another incident, I plucked up courage to tell my husband I wanted a divorce. He has refused to accept this and has used lots of emotional blackmail to try and change my mind. I have 2 children and am already unsure of what the future will hold but I know I do not want to spend the rest of my life with this man.

We are currently going to relate to try and help to get him to accept the fact that the marriage is over or to save the marriage even though deep down I don't want to.

My question is regarding the time limit for divorcing on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. I have read that you hav to apply for divorce within 6 months of the last incident of UB. The last incident was in September. Since then I have had all the emotional blackmail including suicide threats and him breaking down with the children in the next room, I am on pins in case they hear.

It has taken all this time to get an appointment with relate and we will still be going for a number of weeks so I am worried that if after the counselling I still feel the same way, I might be refused a divorce down to it being over 6 months or does all the emotional blackmail count as UB. If so, the incidence of this have been ongoing up to this week.

I would really appreciate anyones help with this as I already feel worn down and depressed with everything that is going on and this is only adding to my worries.

ps. sorry for such a long post but it is good to get this off my chest.

  • mike62
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22 Feb 08 #14821 by mike62
Reply from mike62
His behaviour is continuing to be unreasonable as we speak by the sounds of it. The reasons given do not need to be that serious. Just important to show that you could not be reasonably expected to continue living with him. If it is causing you undue stress or worry, then it is unreasonable. Please see the post below. Read it through from the start.


Nobody should have to live in a constantly stressful environment.

Best of luck and take care


  • Angel557
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22 Feb 08 #14822 by Angel557
Reply from Angel557
I divorced my husband on the grounds of UB, i went back from 1995 til the day we split so they see the pattern of his abusive , violent , nasty , controling behaviour.

  • Elle
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23 Feb 08 #14836 by Elle
Reply from Elle
In time the UB becomes something u may want to put behind you....when it is fresh it is paramount to how u feel, react and think.....those that have been fortunate to have not experienced it and its effects often dismiss it, this can lead to sinking before swimming....if someones behaviour is creating difficulty in ur day to day life.......is that reasonable...

  • jack2
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24 Feb 08 #14904 by jack2
Reply from jack2
Thanks for taking time to answer guys. It looks as though I should be ok on that score.

Elle, you are right when you say that this kind of abuse is often dismissed by others as there are no bruises to see and they very often only see the nice side of his pesonality.

Even now his mother who knows a lot about his behaviour over the years is trying to persuade me to carry on in the marriage but now all she can see is a broken down son who seems so pitiful.

Thanks again,


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24 Feb 08 #14920 by IKNOWNOW
Reply from IKNOWNOW
Hi, I agree that what you are describing is still UB, you would need to detail some UB dating back a while up to the present time.

It is right that a lot of people don't recognise verbal and emotional abuse as Domestic Violence. I too suffered from this for many years until a catalyst of events forced me to see what my husband was really like.

Does your husband admit that he has a problem? If no, then is there really a point in going to Relate? I don't want to put a dampener on things but I am not sure that Relate will help, he may actually use this to continue the abuse.

You need to be sure that you really know the marriage is over, otherwise he will still be able to manipulate the situation.

Hope you can come out of this feeling strong.

Regards, Sarah

  • jack2
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24 Feb 08 #14934 by jack2
Reply from jack2
Hi Sarah,

I do think he realises he has a problem and is willing to try cognitive behaviour therapy as sugested by relate as he sees what has happened to be like a 'near death experience'.

Since September when I told him I wanted a divorce he has 'miraculously' changed overnight beyond recognition. He is ironing, cooking, doing things with the kids letting (as he puts it) me go out alone without arguing or being moody for days afterwards. He is being so 'nice' it is almost sickly - no moods, sulking or shouting, no longer miserable.

Having said all this if we are discussing things he
soon gets aggressive then breaks down and cries, sometimes for hours on end then threatens suicide.
We have had 3 appointments together with relate and then the counsellor said she couldn't see us together as she has seen his agressive behaviour in the sessions and feels I am not having a say without being shouted down. She is worried about my safety especially when he does realise he has lost everything. She is now seeing us separately.

I feel I owe it to myself to try and find a new life for me and my children - I feel no closeness towards him and I deserve better. But I know how hard divorce is and I read peoples experiences on here who say how awful it is.

There are times however, on days that I am not feeling strong that I feel sorry for him and wonder should I stay. Some people do stay in these relationships but then again I don't want to look back in ten years and regret having stayed.

Its at times like this that I look for support from my friends and family and from looking on this website to see if anyone has similar experiences to mine.

Sorry to go on, I know I must sound really mixed up, but I am.

Best regards,
Jack 2


But if, even with help, he can change, I can't forget the life I have had

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