Possible Settlement

Hi, can anyone give me any advice on this please? I am getting fed up with the animosity between my x2b and myself, and I think it is impacting on my little girl as she is not having any contact with her Dad at the moment and she misses him, so I have looked at the calculator and thought about what I need and I am thinking of putting a proposal to x2b.

Net assests come to around 35K once debt has been cleared, but if I was to sell the house I would have to pay 10.5K also in redemptions.So does anyone know how you calculate the actual value of what x2b should receive, and how to calculate growth over the 10 years he would leave the money in my property. My preferred route would be probably to offer my x2b 30% of assets deferred until daughter is 18. And he is currently giving 500 plus 300 to school fees, but to survive I really need 1200 per month until my daughter leaves school in 18 months, she will then either go to state senior school or fee paying but on a scholarship( this would be 600 to me and 600 to cover school fees.

So if I was to say 30% deferred for ten years, plus 1200/month until our daughter leaves junior school (she is in year five at the moment) and then 600 per month if daughter goes to state senior school and 900 per month if she is lucky enough to get a scholarship...

Can I have opinions please on how reasonable this is?

BTW, Ex brings home 3350 per month after tax and pension, and I would not be making a claim on his pension. He is living in a flat on his own at the moment paying 500/month, but says he wants to buy his own home in the future... and does not wish to live with new girlfriend at the moment...

Without all the circs....its hard to give comment( not than I am ....and with all the circs,,,the judge decides.....if u n p-artner cannot reach agreenent

People get far too hooked up with %

When the equity is so low it is a "needs" case.

The Courts have said many times that if necessary in cases on samll equity it may be necessary for one party to have the lot if that is practical and achieves fairness. Often what you can raise without hurting is the determining factor.

Why would a H like yours want to wait many many years for his share and run the risk if the FMH goes up a lot in value paying Capital Gains Tax on his share.

If H is going to rent give him what you can afford -no court will order a sale and have you face a £10.5 K redemption charge.

Please also realise that many of us have struggled to pay school fees etc - when you are talking about getting priorites right housing for BOTH is much more important -so in the short to medium term the smart move may be to give provisional notice to the school to remove Children and thus a term's notice so you don't pay a terms fees on removal.

Most private school's reqiure a "clear" terms notice. Obviously scholarship may be your salvation or find a private school noe converting to an "Academy" which will not be free.

On the contact issue your daughter is missing dad so try and facilitate that by arranging mediation and at that mention your concerns and ask that you both sign an agreement which respects each other.

See below Do's and Don'ts...hopefully he will agree and sign...especially if he is keen to restart contact asap.

For both parents and children, contact is critical to maintaining a sense of connectedness both during and after a divorce. But in the early stages of family restructuring and co-parenting, it is frequently a source of conflict.

If former spouses want revenge, finding ways to spoil contact is easy. If they want to help their children through a difficult transition, they will find ways to make contact successful.

For contact to work, both parents need to accept and acknowledge that their children have two homes - one with their father and one with their mother. Parents need to make sure that their children are safe and comfortable in both places, even if they don't spend equal time there. They need to help make the transition from one home to the other smooth and calm. They also need to make sure they are being consistent in rules and discipline.
Constructive parenting goals
The following guidelines are examples of parenting goals that can help children grow into healthy, happy, whole people.
• Both parents should encourage contact to help their children grow in positive ways.
• Children need to know it is OK to love both parents.
• In general, parents should treat each other with respect for their children's benefit.
• Each parent should respect the other's child-raising views by trying, when possible, to be consistent. For example, if one parent strongly opposes toy guns for small children, the other should take this into account when buying gifts
• Each parent is entitled to know where the children are during contacts. They should also know if the children are left with other people such as babysitters or friends when the other parent is not there.
• Parents should try to agree on their children's religious education, as well as who is responsible for overseeing it.
• Parents should tell each other their current addresses and home and work phone numbers.
• Both parents should realise that contact schedules may change as children age and their needs change.

Tips for Smooth Contact Arrangements
• Be as flexible as possible with arrangements.
• Treat your former spouse with respect.
• Help children feel safe and comfortable in both homes.
• Develop routines to give children a sense of security.
• Maintain open communication lines with your former spouse.
• Don't question your children's loyalty.
• Help make the transition from one home to the other smooth and calm.
• Discuss rules and discipline with your former spouse so you are consistent.

Contact dos
The following suggestions represent strategies parents can use to achieve parenting goals.
Be flexible about contact schedules
• Give the other parent advance notice of changes in your arrangements.
• Remember to give the other parent your vacation schedule in advance.
• Remember that your children may have plans that could affect your contact arrangements.

Make contact a normal part of life
• Find activities that give you and your children an opportunity to build your relationship. Allow time together without planned activities just to "hang out."
• Provide a balance between fun and responsibility for your children.
• Encourage contact that includes grandparents and extended family.
• Make sure your children have their own places in your home even if it is just part of a room so they feel it is also their home.
• Help your children meet other children in your neighbourhood so they have friends at both homes.
• Try to keep a routine schedule to help prepare your children for contact.
• Have a checklist of items such as clothing and toys that your children need to take on contacts. If the children are old enough, they can help pack.
• If it's appropriate, allow your children to bring friends along occasionally.
• Spend individual time with each of your children. Each child is an individual.

Show respect for your former spouse and concern for your children.
• Be on time.
• Inform your former spouse if a new person such as a babysitter or romantic partner will be part of the contact.
• Share changes in your address, home and work phone numbers, and in your job with your former spouse.

Contact don'ts
Some parents use contact to achieve destructive goals. These are goals based on revenge, such as one parent hurting the other or disrupting his or her life. To achieve those goals, parents may use destructive behaviours that can create a more hostile environment and seriously damage relationships. Destructive strategies can be deeply hurtful to children caught in the middle. Following are tips for avoiding destructive behaviour.

Don't refuse to communicate with your former spouse.
• Don't use your children to relay divorce-related messages on issues such as child support. Those issues should be discussed by adults only.
• Don't make your children responsible for making, cancelling, or changing contact plans. Those are adult responsibilities.
• Don't use your children to spy on your former spouse.
• Don't argue with the other parent during drop-off and pickup times.
• Deal with important issues when your children cannot overhear.

Don't disrupt your children's relationship with their other parent.
• Don't make your children feel guilty about spending time with their other parent.
• Don't use contact as a reward for good behaviour, and don't withhold it as punishment for poor behaviour.
• Don't tell your children you will feel lonely and sad if they visit their other parent.
• Don't withhold contact to punish your former spouse for problems such as missed CSA payments. Withholding contact punishes your children, who are not guilty.
• Don't withhold contact because you feel your former spouse doesn't deserve to see the children. Unless a parent is a genuine threat, adults and children need to see each other.
• Don't use false abuse accusations to justify withholding contact.
• Don't let activities such as sports and hobbies interfere with the time your children spend with their other parent. Your former spouse can transport the children to those activities if needed and can sometimes participate.
• Don't pressure your children about leaving clothes or toys at their other parent's home. The children need to feel they belong in both places.
• Don't falsely claim that your children are sick to justify withholding contact.
• Don't withhold phone calls to your children from their other parent.
• Don't put down the other parent's new romantic partner.

Don't allow your anger to affect your relationship with your children.
• Don't hurt your children by failing to show up for contact or by being late.

Don't spoil your children to buy their loyalty and love.
• Don't let your children blackmail you by refusing to visit unless you buy them something.
• Don't try to bribe your children.
• Don't feel you need to be your children's companion for contact to be successful. Your children need you to be a parent.
• Don't try to fill every minute of a visit. Allow some down time for routine activities such as cooking or laundry, or quiet time just to be together.

All of these contact arrangements don't undercut children's ability to develop an open and supportive relationship with both parents. One of the best ways to support children involved in a separation or divorce is to do what you can to make contact go smoothly. Focusing on contact does is a first step in helping children adjust.

Thank you that is really helpful. I have a couple of issues which is that my daughter does not want to see her father's new girlfriend, so Dad has said he will not be able to see her very often, despite the fact that he does not live with girlfi
riend and she lives 2 hours from him. Also he refuses to communicate with me at all and is ignoring calls and e-mails from our daughter. Also he has refused to buy any furniture for his new flat as he says he cannot afford it, so she has nowhere to sit or eat, and she has to share her Dad's double bed when she stays, she says it is ok, but I am not happy with these arrangements, and she also says she is cold because he will not put on the heating!! If I try and broach these subjects he is difficult and unpleasant, do you have any suggestions of what might work better>
? Thanks for your help

Meant to say as well, that we moved my daughter at the beginning of year 4 as it was easier for me with work and she has settled in really well to her new school, she was at prep before so always in a fee paying environment, but I am not sure she could take another move easily, especially with the other upheaval in her life..