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why is he so awfull

  • megan
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24 Feb 08 #14955 by megan
Topic started by megan
He left me in Nov. for somebody else so why isn't he happy. He resents everything I do and even the fact I am in the FMH. If I was in love and had someone to love me (both of which I thought I had) I would be happy, no children left behind. So why does he have to treat me like S***?

  • Fiona
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25 Feb 08 #14959 by Fiona
Reply from Fiona
Psychologist's explanation.

"There are two intriguing phenomena which, in varying degrees, may occur during the litigation stage of divorce. One has been termed the "negative reconstruction of spousal identity" (Johnston & Campbell, 1988). This phenomenon is characterized by the tendency of one spouse to cast the other in a vilified image, for example, "He's a weak, violent drunk," or, She's a two-faced, selfish, pathological liar who can't ever be trusted." These intensely negative, polarized characterizations that high conflict divorcing couples make of each other become reified and immutable over time. The spouse, in essence, rewrites marital history and selectively perceives only the events over the years that fit with the present negative characterization. Hence, it is as if the spouse creates a profound insight (albeit twisted and distorted) which is then rationalized and supported as if it were true..........

In the process of developing a position during a conflictual divorce, a spouse typically is surrounded by an increasing cadre of supporters. These are friends, relatives, and professionals who, after hearing only one side of the dispute in vivid, distorted, and compelling detail, rally to that spouse's side. Viewing that spouse as victimized by the other spouse, they seek to right a wrong and protect the spouse from being further victimized...

This support by the associates of each of the spouses takes on the complexion of tribal warfare, with parallels to the ways that we stereotypically imagine primitive villagers dealing with their conflicts. The sides are drawn, the supporters are garnered, and war is declared."

  • mike62
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25 Feb 08 #14961 by mike62
Reply from mike62
lots of things.

He feels guilty as hell
He wants to be in the FMH himself
He wants to get one over on you
He has justified his actions to himself and being nasty justifies them to you

Does it make it right? No does it hell

Time, it takes time to heal. You should not be feeling bad, you are not the perpetrator. But he has no justification for his actions, so has to invent them.

Be strong and ignore him. Build that new life for you.

Be good to yourself - you are soooo worth it


  • megan
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25 Feb 08 #14962 by megan
Reply from megan
Well at least I can see he isn't alone. I thought when he called in to collect some belongings and disconected the heating he had just lost the plot!!
Can you tell me where that piece of research came from.
Thanks Fiona

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