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children brought up in an unhappy marriage

  • mahua
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06 Mar 08 #15953 by mahua
Topic started by mahua
I have been reading extensively about the effects of divorce on children and the answers are not pleasant to say the least.
So for the sake of the children will try and drag on for another few months... there is no other way out..either I break the egg but try to make sure the break does'nt have too many jagged edges,the shell does'nt shatter or there is no omlette !
My sense of humour used to be good now it is only pathetic !!!

This morning read about Mike Oldfield (his music was used on the sound track to the 1973 film The Exorcist, and he worked for Richard Branson for 30 odd years)... Mike lived through an unhappy, disharmonious marriage and grew up to be a study in contradictions.

This has got me looking at the other side of the coin...
Has any study been done to find out the effects of unhappy marriages on children ?
What do these children have to say ?
What kind of adults do they grow into ?
What are the statistics of suicide rates, failed marriages/ realtionships among these kids ?

  • Angel557
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06 Mar 08 #15964 by Angel557
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think what we read is very conflicting, You will also read that children living in a unhappy home with parents arguing all the time is not good for the children.

Myself was blamed in an Education phys report yesterday for my son's problems basically stating cos there was DV in the home this is why my son has probs, horrible to be blamed this way yes i know i should of left back in 1999 but i was under his control but i did leave in the end.

buggered if you stay buggered if you don't

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06 Mar 08 #15983 by Fiona
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Most people would, I think, agree a stable upbringing by two loving parents is best, but I don't think we should write children off because their parents are divorced/separated.

Don't quote me as I'm going from memory, but the UK figures for poor outcomes of children from intact families is something like 6-7% and the figures for children of divorced/separated families is typically given at 75-100% more. Therefore between 10 - 14% of children from divorced families will have poor outcomes. Turning this on it's head the majority, 86 - 90%, of children from broken families will be fine compared to 94% of children from intact families.

There does appear to be a tendency to blame divorced families for all sorts of ills which doesn't stand up to close scrutiny. For example, the increase in mental health problems in young adults by 70% since 1980 was initially thought to be the effects of divorce, although it is now known the increase is across the board and children from intact families are just as likely to suffer as those from separated families.

One factor that affects the statistics is that divorce is more prevalent in the inner city areas of London, Manchester, Glasgow etc were there is poor academic achievement and higher levels of behavioural problems and emotional problems associated with poverty anyway. Also all studies come to the conclusion that high conflict is an important factor in poor outcomes.


Two studies you may find of interest;-

www.mediate.com/articles/wintereditorial.cfm

www.jrf.org.uk/knowledge/findings/foundations/spr6108.asp

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06 Mar 08 #16038 by mahua
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Thanks Fiona
:(
Like angel said.. buggered if I stay buggered if I don't

  • sexysadie
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06 Mar 08 #16048 by sexysadie
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Susan Golombok's 'Parenting, What Really Counts?' is a thorough review of the research on parenting by a respected psychologist. Her findings suggest that growing up with two adults constantly sniping at each other (or worse is much worse for children than growing up in a single parent family or with divorced parents.

Angel, of course you should have got out earlier, but you couldnt: as you say, you were under your husband's control. It is his violence that has caused problems with your son, not anything you have done. When the psychologist says there are problems because there was domestic violence in the hom she or he is not blaming you. It is your husband's fault that he was violent, not yours at all. You have done the best thing you could by getting out now, and should be proud of yourself.

Sadie

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10 Mar 08 #16405 by mahua
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Hve just had a long winded converastion with a friend who has no idea of what I am going thru.... was fishing for her ideas and she said it is better to have a dead parent than a divorced parent. is that right ?

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10 Mar 08 #16408 by Angel557
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Not at all in most divorces the children still see both parents,I have seen the effects of a parents death on a child not at all a pretty site, As you say the friend has no idea what your going through.

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