last resort

Hi,

From personal experience, I can only say to you that at the moment you can't see it, but time is a great healer. It makes you stronger and this whole divorce thing is so different for everyone. The solicitors will give advice, so will CAB, and friends. Listen to everyone, but you have to make your own mind up. You have made the decision, and for everyone's sake it is best to stick to it. Changing your mind and backtracking is absolutely no good for anyone. The spider's web of divorce draws lots of people in. If you want out then do that, but it is best to look forwards, down the very rocky road. You will come out of it, and life will never be the same, but things will improve.

Be happy and look forwards, keep smiling and hold your head up.

I hope I don't sound too patronising, but everyone needs reassurance.

gilly30 wrote:

I just don't feel I can carry on together pretending that I feel things for him when there is no longer anything there, and no there is no one else.
I can't wait 2 years to sort this out. I had thought about seperation but was advised by cab not to leave as it would seem I was making myself homeless and would go against me.
It seemed a no win situation and I don't want to end up arguing all the time. The solicitor said that was the only reason I could give for Divorce as none of the others applied.
I have got a couple of friends that I have been talking to and they have been really supportive.
I don not intend taking everything he has got and will not stop him having contact with the kids. He did say yesterday he was gong to fight me and take everything I have got.

Hi Gilly. I am glad that there is no one else. This is often the case when people do this sort of thing. If you cant wait then I suppose you will have to get on with it at a slower pace. But I suspect that you will get resistance. Your husband is saying he will fight you. Not good. This may mean that he contests your divorce and if you do not have valid reasons for behavour then he could contest. Even if its a waste of time. I know someone that did this. Cost a fortune and they still ended up divorced.

Another problem you may encounter is that your husband may go into denial. What you end up doing is piling more and more presure on for him to accept the situation and it gets nasty.

This may be a case for counsiling. Where you can both go and get help with this situation. That way he gets time to get used to the situation and it happens in a nice controled way. Instead of him just strugling on and you getting frustrated.

Chris.

Fiona wrote:

The thing is experts who advise it's in your interest not to leave don't have to live with the consequences day in day out. Neither do they tell you any financial gain you might make by staying could be easily whittled away in legal fees or that the procedures of divorce, settling the finances and arrangements for children might take a couple of years to complete.


"He did say yesterday he was gong to fight me and take everything I have got."

The best thing is to be detached and not to react to threats, just take your time to think things through and only respond to proper proposals.

Very true Fiona. Read my blog to see what it was like for me to stay. If I had my chance again I would get out sooner. I was 11 months in that hell hole and its not something I will ever do again. Fingers crossed I wont have to. I was lucky in that I made sure I had somewhere to go. Not everyone is so lucky. Chris.

Gilly,
Sounds very similar to my own situation. My wife simply presented me with a 'fait accomplis', no discussion, no attempt to resolve the issues that got us to this point, no willingness to talk. We separated in January, but because of our business partnership, it has not been practical to consider physical separation until quite recently. However, from my experience, he will be feeling very angry, resentful and frustrated that he is completely out of control of the situation. I would agree with Chris that some counselling in a totally neutral environemtn would help. But if you do go down that route BE PREPARED TO TALK YOURSELF, unlike my wife who wheeled me in and put me in the hot seat and left me to explain everything to the counsellor without uttering a word. Is it practical for you to go away with the kids for a few days to a relative, just to let him calm himself down? Good luck with it.
Mike