I am just reading up on how to get divorced and one of the 5 reasons is adultery - but it says to use this 'not more than six months must have elapsed from the time you became aware of your spouse's adultery'.
Otherwise you would have to live apart for 2 years before you can get a divorce!
Is this correct? How could they check anyway when you became aware?
I think this is true but I have no idea how they check. The reasoning behind it is, I think, the same as that which underlies the six-month rule about unreasonable behaviour: that if you could manage to live with him (I think you have to live with him 'as his wife, sharing a bed, for example) for six months after you found out then it is not unbearable for you to continue to be married to him.
Daft as it may seem, as I am no expert, but surely the six month rule must encompass you confronting him with irrefutable evidence and him acknowleging his transgression before it would be accepted by a court. Sexysadie seems to have it about right. Perhaps it is time to confront him. I must admit that I endured four redundancies in ten years, and it does really screw you up. The questions in your mind are 'Am I capable?', 'Can I provide for my family?'. 'Does she think less of me because I have lost my ability to earn?', 'Can I re-invent myself and make it all happen for the family?', 'Will I be able to deliver right now, or will it all happen to me again?'. The training partner may well be a 'Yes I can still pull, so I am a real man' scenario, which makes him feel better about himself. I am not making excuses for his behaviour, but I am trying to give you a male insight into how many of us may react to a very difficult situation. Hopefully your upcoming trip will give you a break from the daily pressures of interpreting his daily behaviours, and equally give him a opportunity to review his actions and see what a humungous mistake he may be about to make. However, you need to tell him in some way that you are aware of his plans/thoughts, so that he reacts appropriately to your absence and uses the time for reflection. Maybe you can pull it back from the brink?
Good luck and take care. I really hope it is recoverable
It seems like this 'friendship' has been going on for quite some time - before the redundancy issue came up. But I do understand what you are saying Mike. He has been made redundant before, about 15 years a go, at which point I said yipeee, lets go to Australia for two months with the kids - which we did and had a really great time. Took him a whole year before he got a job that time! So am thinking he shouldn't find this too stressful - but could be wrong. He should know that I wouldn't judge him on this, because I never have done and because, if he knows me at all, he should know that the money side has never bothered me. There is always a way and as long as we aren't going to starve - thats OK.
I can't see any other way than divorce really - well not at the moment, really can't.
I think that Mike is right and you should confront him before your trip so you both have time for reflection. I know that you can't see any way out other than divorce at the moment, but that is partly because you have not experienced his reaction to being confronted. It might be only then that he realises how much he has hurt you and at the same time how much he loves you, and that might actually make it possible for you to stay together. Some friends of mine have managed to rebuild their marriage after a much more longstanding adultery, though when she first found out she was all set to send him packing immediately.
Your husband may be reacting very differently to this redundancy from how he did to his previous one. Quite apart from anything else, he is fifteen years older and probably much less confident of being able to get another job - particularly as it took him so long last time.
Thanks Mike and Sadie, you have given me food or thought and I will certainly take on board what you have both said. The Slovenia trip has been postponed for another month. More thinking and action is required.