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This could be the end & i'm scared ...

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11 Aug 07 #1908 by Jerseylass
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Haven't been on here for a while cause nothing had really changed, life going on as usual, so today i decided to grab the bull by the horns and asked my husband what was happening between the 2 of us. He told me in April he was unhappy, so i set up a blog on this site to help me. Its now Aug and nothing has changed. We still dont see each other much, dont go out, or communicate much. At times i feel i just want to leave and start again with my daughter (20) but that would mean leaving my 4 step girls (14,16,18,20)and i'm not sure i really want to. So i thought, enough is enough, and asked him what he wanted. He still says he's not sure what he wants to do and really hasnt thought about it much, but that he doesnt want to hurt me or make me unhappy. We had long talk and i told him how i was feeling. He says he's going to talk to his girls and see how they are feeling and what they want, but i said there is no point in us staying together if we both make each unhappy. Thing is, i'm scared incase he decides that we should split and i'll be on my own again (2nd time). I moved from my home in Jersey to be with him in Aberdeen and i don't have many friends here let alone a social life, especially with people my own age i'm 45). I keep telling myslef i can do this and cope, but deep down i just want to be with someone who will love me and be affecionate and thats not happening. I think i'm being brave by telling him that i will just move out etc but now i'm starting to panic. I have just had to change my job within the place i work (long story) and now have the opportunity to work some nights and weekends whcih will at least keep me occupied !!! I'm now an animal ambulance driver for the Scottish SPCA, whereas before i was working in the office.
Please someone, tell me i still have a life ...

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12 Aug 07 #1912 by divwiki
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Welcome back, even if it is under such unhappy circumstances. Sounds like you've been prepared to accept that your partner doesn't give a reason for his unhappiness and maybe now you've changed jobs and one area of your life has moved on, you feel ready to explore changes in another area.
What does your child, and his, make of all this - have they noticed what's happening. Are they old enough and mature enough for a family conference, or is this best left until the youngest is 16?
Would hubby agree to couple counselling to try and tease out the arguments between the two of you that appear not to be being made at the moment, but then would you like the answers you get?:unsure:At least you would have a chance of knowing what he thinks is wrong which is more than my x2b will tell me.
Congratulations on your new job role, sounds great, does it make you happy?

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12 Aug 07 #1918 by Jerseylass
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Well its been going on for so long now i'm not sure what to do for the best. In April he told me he was not happy with us, his work, our financial problems (mortgaged up to the hilt) etc. Said he felt as if i'd taken over everything and he felt like a non entity. Said he was in control in his last marriage, but that i was in control in this one. Perhpas because i was a single parent for so long and used to running my life and finances and then he just went along with everything. My daughter is 20 and his are 14,16,18,20 as well. They know sort of whats happening, especially the older ones as i have spoken to them about it, but we have not sat down and explained to all of them together, even though i have asked him to. He says he is going to speak to his lot and see what and how they feel. He admitted to me that he thinks he resents me because i get on so well with them Says he feels that sometimes when he walks in the room and they are all there, that they up and leave and he then thinks, 'well maybe i should just have stayed down the pub'. He thinks he is loosing them and their respect and actually this is partly true. I just hope that when this meeting takes place, the oldest one can speak the truth about how she feels about her dad, cause at the moment she thinks hes being a real dick. I told him that they are all just growing up and he should be at home more and maybe that way he will feel like they are interested. My daughter says she will just follow me whatever happens, which is great to know i have her support. She used to love her step dad but now has no respect for him at all.
Maybe it would be worth mentioning marriage guidence and see if we could sit down with a third party and try and see what happens. I will make a point of asking him how he feels about this. It cant hurt.
My new job is ok and im getting used to it. Our office is down sizing and if i dont take the ambulance driver job then i will be made redundant, so i dont have much choice at the moment. Have to make my final decision tomorrow. If my colleague doesnt want the admin job available then i have a choice, but if she does take it then i'll stick to this and see how it goes. Like you said, maybe a new job has spured me onto thinking its time for a new start. I know i'll miss him if i leave and i cant really see him out of my life completely, but i cant wait around forever for him to decide if he wants me or not, can i? Its not fair really and i dont want to be the one to have to make that decision.
Thanks for your support xx

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12 Aug 07 #1932 by divwiki
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Hi,
so glad you found my reply supportive; sometimes I send and then wonder if I've done the right thing.
Sorry the job situation isn't ideal - sounds like you might enjoy a change though?
With your potential ex, he has been very specific about what he says is wrong; does he want to do anything about it, like take control of certain areas, and how would you feel about that?
My x2b can't tell me what is wrong, though her lover is obviously a bad sign, and says I couldn't have done anything differently. I think she could though, but she doesn't want to hear that.:angry:

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12 Aug 07 #1941 by Jerseylass
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He says he doesnt know what he wants to do, so im left hanging on as usual. Doesnt sound to ggo with your s2b ex having someone else, is it permanent or is there any chance you get back tog

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13 Aug 07 #1942 by Shelia
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Hi

Sorry to hear about your problems.

The step children are old enough to keep in touch with you so even if the worst happens I don't think you will loose them. They could possibly all have left home in a few years in any case given their ages.

Have you given any thought to what marriage will be like when there will be just the two of you if you do decide to stay together?

Have you thought of trying to get away together for a few days to try and thrash things out? Your H sounds big on complaining but does not have any solutions. Ask him how he would like to organise your lives differently if he doesn't know perhaps he is making excuses.It is always easy to blame the other person, but you seem very reasonable to me and wanting to sort things out.

Hope it all works out as you would wish.

Shelia

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13 Aug 07 #1943 by Shelia
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Just wanted to add if it is the end, it will also be a new beginning.

Shelia

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