Am I being too soft or am I being amicable.

I think what you do about your ex seeing the children is whatever works for all of you. If ad hoc is working, then there is no reason to change that.

However, it might be better for the children (and for you and your ex) in the longer term if you had regular times when they can expect to see him. Children like to know where they are and have things happen regularly in their lives. I can't remember how old they are and can't get to your first posts while I'm writing this, but once they are old enough to have their own social lives it is easier if they know when they are due to see their dad so they can work around it. Otherwise he will ask to see them and they will have already arranged to do something else. Regular times mean that he can rely on seeing the kids and they can rely on seeing him. Having regular times when he sees them also allows you to plan a social life, which you will need, just to get through.I don't know how working hours work in the forces, though, so it may be impossible to do this.

Sadie

Hi, great to see you picking yourself up! I would suggest that you try to find a solicitor who offers an initial free or set fee consultation. Your local CAB or Community Legal Service Direct www.clsdirect.org.uk would be a good starting point.
www.oneparentfamilies.org.uk has been good aswell. They have factsheets and also other phone numbers etc. that may help.
I hope that once you are a bit more informed that things will become clearer.
Sometimes being practical is the best place to start. Don't let your heart rule your head!
Take Care!

This is my angle on this, people marry to be together and if during the marriage then assets are made then I can understand them being split on divorce, and also maintenance for the carer of the children is only fair, but why should one pay for the wife the rest of her life?

I think honestly if the man won the lottery he shouldn't need to give any to the wife, and likewise is a woman won the lottery then they wouldn't be liable anyhow! but in this county then you probably would have to being a man.

Thing is in most cases the woman comes out of it better off than the man anyhow, so why should the man get bled dry cos he married someone years ago? take my case, my wife was living with no money in a tiny flat, she will now leave the marriage with a 3 bed house paid for out right, but if she never met me then she wouldn't have that and probably be living in the same flat for all I know, now if I had to pay her maintanance to her then that would really do my head in.

If women want equal rights then be fair, and if you want a reasonable relationship with your ex cos of kids then be fair, its simple really!

Thankyou all for your advice comments and reflections.

Moved on a long way since last posting..have drawn up a financial agreement which will help us to seperate financially in the short term..but eventually for the long term.

It is a juggling act but..it clarifies everything to him and to me..and clearly shows the fairness of where the money is going.

Eventually we will go 50/50 on everything in the debt pot, I will support myself and my children and head on to do good for us all.

As for his future pension..I do feel I have a right to a share, but why do I want that festering in the background for the next fifteen years...so it no longer figures in the great scheme of things. So will say goodbye to that.

Still yet to organise the children and his contact..ad hoc seems to be working well, the children phone him freely and basically tell him when they have a need for a visit..if I can hear this going on then It helps me to help them.

Now onto the emotional complexes of seperation and eventually divorce? not sure what will be harder.

Regards Sals

You don't have to have your share of his pension festering in the background. You can take your share now and put it into your own pension. Don't give it up without thinking hard about it.

Sadie

Hi Sadie,

Never knew that?..but I have to admit..we only have this and the children that could make or break the situation or us remaining amicable..so have to keep his pension out of the game at the moment..sad to admit he will take the pension.

I'm pretty passive about it all at the moment..but as long as there is no battle over the children I will remain so.

Does it all sound too good to be true?...I think so..but time will tell.

Thanks Sadie for the tip off.

Sal