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Am I being too soft or am I being amicable.

  • Sals45
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16 Aug 07 #2048 by Sals45
Reply from Sals45
Hi, but this is the whole crux and bitterness that seems to creep in.

We were ONLY married for eight years.

I am aware of my rights to his pension...sorry but thats a legal fact..I never made the rules up...it seems obvious to me that someone with a value of marriage and the commitment that some of us give in that marriage has a monetary value that should be recognised and built this into the trials and tribulations of divorce.

But how long has he been in the army?..I am aware that I am entitled to a proportion in relation to the years in service(building a pension)during our marriage...SO not Eight years worth so not a vast fortune..

A pot to p#*s in basically.

He just needs to pull his socks up and divorce me before the pot becomes a barrel..(although I could be corrected on this matter?)

But I will remain calm and not get stressy.

And remain civil...and not get sleazy.

I'm not grinning or rubbing my palms because I never expected to be here today.

Thanks for your time..XX

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16 Aug 07 #2072 by IKNOWNOW
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Hi, I recently asked my husband to move out; beginning of the summer holidays. I have 5 children 10 and under. He won't sign an Interim payment order, will only give verbal agreement which I take with a huge pinch of salt. I have been married for nearly 11 years and the trust has gone. You are never going to be able to move on if you don't sort things out financially now. Be positive, start looking for other accomodation & a job outside the army quarters. Get in there first, don't wait for it to happen. Finding a new job will help you make new friends ready for your new life. It's hard but you've got to look forward! Money isn't everything which is good because he has so far left me without any. You need to think about yourself & the children and if they see you moving forward then they will evetually to. You may wonder how I can be so positive - the truth is I should have done it a long time ago but I gave him just another..... chance. I don't know your circumstances but if there is no chance of getting back together you need to take the bull by the horns and tame him now rather than later. Be YOU again - that's what I am doing and although times are emotional it is liberating too. Hope my waffle has helped.

  • JLGsDad
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17 Aug 07 #2076 by JLGsDad
Reply from JLGsDad
The 8 yrs pension seems fine to me. You married to share in what each earned & spent, so a 50:50 divide of his pension earned during the marriage seems fair, particularly as you are sharing the debts.
The MOD is very used to making appropriate arrangements for a court and there is a lot of stuff on the internet.
Good luck with all the arrangements as the MoD can be very cold and official, albeit much better than it was (I left the RAF 9 yrs ago at a time when the MoD was less than sympathetic: you're here with him no longer, here's 2 mths notice to get out the MQ).

  • jay160602
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17 Aug 07 #2088 by jay160602
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Hi Sals, 8 years is a short marriage, you are still young, you work, & theres nothing to stop you continuing working until your 60/65 years old. You will have a battle making a claim to his pension, its not as if he's a huge earner & your a kept woman (homemaker) Yours is not a Parlour Vs Parlour type of case.

Unfortunately divorce is a no blame paper exercise, if its true & he's just left you & the kids then yes he is an arse, however it don't really matter you will still only get what your husband lets you have or a judge rules.

On the + side having children you will get looked after with tax credits, childrens credits, housing benefit, income support, maintenance etc etc. I'd see a solicitor who can offer you legal aid a.s.a.p.

  • DandyHighwayMan
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17 Aug 07 #2103 by DandyHighwayMan
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Hi Sals,

I'm a little confused as to your postng that you can only just afford to live and the assumption that you and your children will have a "poor" upbringing and your ex will have a "rich" lifestyle. Have I read this right?

My divorce was 8 years ago and I only worked part time. I kept the FMH (no equity so I just got the mortgage debt) and had two children under 5. I continued working and used a childminder.

In return for this I earned salary, tax credits, help with childcare costs, child maintenance, child benefit. I left his pension alone and he retained an endowment, luckily we had no debt. I also never requested SM.
I still own my home and pay into my own pension and will no doubt continue working for many years to come to protect all of that.

I bring in less than you everymonth, yet I am still working, have a car, and two wonderful girls who have seen me over the years become an independant self sufficient woman without having to be brought up as a "poor" family. We dont live an extravagant lifestyle, just a normal one. Of course there are material things that me and the girls would love to have but life doesnt just hand everything over to you just because you want it, I tell them.

I do beleive that you can manage and eventually prosper as a single parent without the need to "bleed an ex dry or get everything you can". Whether you are or aren't one of these women (and there are plenty who are) is really up to you. Its just a case of whether you CHOOSE to be one of these women or not.
All I am saying is dont be afraid to go it alone, you really can do well if you put your mind to it and are prepared to put the effort in.

Good Luck

  • jay160602
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17 Aug 07 #2110 by jay160602
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Hi dandyhighwayman, a really refreshing post.

I'm sure that your daughters will respect you more & won't be afraid of hard work themselves. Personally i will always provide a home for my children to stay with me, but i will not pay for them to live with their mother who is divorcing me because she decided she didn't love me anymore & wants to try out a new penis.

  • Sals45
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17 Aug 07 #2123 by Sals45
Reply from Sals45
Hi to all that are showing an interest in this.

I guess..I was really frightened when I originally posted..

We have been in debt for so long..and really could not see how I could survive on my own. Considering we could not survive financially together.

I have grown up a little..from advice received and the little digs..

I had become frightened to go it alone, when I had not had time to prepare myself..

But I did it all before him and I know with a clear head I will continue to do so now.

I had in fact been holding off telling anyone officially what has happened and so was working the money out on that basis.

You have brought me back to the basics and part of me says sod him...I have all the resources to move on.

But where does anyone write about what we have to do when they first leave..

Everything goes on about 50/50, how to calculate Child Maintenance. pensions..

Nothing about..tell child tax credit people..ensure child benefit is being paid into your own account.speak to your employer and explain what shit you are going through.

I have done these basic things now and the pressure has lifted, and my mind is so much clearer.

The kids are now out of childcare pre and after school..so now no costs there..My employer has been very sympathetic and has juggled things for me so that i could cover the school holidays...granted me christmas leave as a priority..so just these simple things have halved the pressure.

But what should I be concentrating on now..

Should i just manage things and wait for X2B to start the ball rolling..or should we be formalising our agreements..how do we do that if we are indeed amicable..I have not made him agree to anything..he has made the suggestions and I have agreed to them.

Do we have to go to mediation..or is it simply best to.

So as much as my original posting perhaps seems as I am stitching my X2B up..he has been fair to make the proposals and I have simply accepted them.

But I also needed to know that if my circumstances do not pan out..can i build anything in that will allow me to if necessary to re-visit the arrangements. As I keep saying I want to remain civil.

I really have no clue if i should be asking for a divorce or if just simply seperating at this time formally is the same except we are still tied by the marriage certificate.

I have assumed complete care of the children..ther has never been an argument about that...but can we just agree to ad hoc visits as and when the need arises...He has shown no thoughts on this and is happy for me to just call when I need childcare...I have told him that he only needs to say and he can see/take the kids out...can this be formalised too with something built in for a re-visit if things do not pan out or we both become unreasonable in our expectations?.
Do I really have to see a solicitor now..can this wait.

Please move on with me on this one.

Thanks again.

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