Changed............

A lot on here are divorced getting divorced and thinking of divorce. I think the clue is in the title of the site. Ha ha.

I thought I would put up a quick note to describe what I used to be and what I am now some 20 months on. I applogise in advance. I am feeling alone today.

Then.....
I used to be trusting. I was lost in my former relationship she had the upper hand and ruled me with an iron grip. I was frankly lead by the nose. She had some kind of spell on me. She told me who I could be freinds with and the friends she didnt like I didnt like.

She controled my every move. She said jump and I said how high?

To be honest. She and largly her children (16 and 17 so not kids anymore) are sadists. They love inflicting pain.

Now....
I am not trusting. I see hidden agenda everywhere. I will not be pushed around. I tend to overreact to the smalest attack as if its WW3 declared. I get shot at with a peashooter and I go back with an 10 megaton airburst. I make my own decisions. I wont be walked on. I pave the way. I make decisions on what where and how.


My chalange now is to find out why I let this happen to me and make sure it never agains happens. No more will I lose my home and my family. But I dont want a family. I am frightend to bond with anyone in case they are whipped away.

I hope this feeling will pass with time. And I just hope that the pending divorce will be some kind of milestone. Some kind of release that will allow me to move on a bit more. I know I have a mountain to climb but I am a fair way up it but I cant see the summit yet. Lets hope its not much further. Finger crossed. Chris.

Chris I'm sorry to read that you're feeling alone - it's the worst feeling in the world.

I dont know how long you were with your ex, but I've heard or read somewhere that it takes at least 3 years to get over the break up of a marriage. Quite depressing eh? But I can see why.

I have two other female girlfriends whose marriages disintegrated at the same time as mine - and we have all reached different stages at different times, but our experience of the range of emotions is the same. We describe it as being on an emotional bungee rope - just as you think you're dealing with it, moving on, feeling better about yourself... whoosh - you're back to where you were 6 months ago/3 months ago/12 months ago - but what we do all agree on is that each time it happens we bounce back quicker. What we cant work out is the trigger that sets us back. The day that blasted rope loses its elastic will be a very happy one indeed!

No person has the right to control another, please remember that. Start thinking "thank god for divorce" aren't you glad your free of that situation? It's hard to believe it when you feel so low - it doesnt matter how difficult the marriage was, it was a way of life - and its still a loss that needs to be grieved over when it comes to an end. It doesnt help that finances take a blow too - hardship on top of everything else sucks.

Don't allow the experience of her to make you bitter - bitterness puts concrete boots on your feet & arms and stops you running into your future & embracing it.

You sound very hurt in your post - something else my friends and I would love to be able to do is somehow get the pain from deep within and inject it into the person who inflicted it so they can see how what they've done feels & try a bit harder to empathise! (I'd better add we are well "oiled" at this point & have probably burned several effigies!)

Next time you see her have a huge genuine smile on your face, be everso pleasant, tell her she looks great and that you hope she's happy (and sound like you mean it) walk with a spring in your step. If you talk to her on the phone - smile when talking (it comes across in your voice). It'll take every ounce of strength you have, but it'll confuse the hell out of her and give you a sense of regaining control. I promise.

Keep telling yourself that once you've waded thru the quagmire, there's a whole new life of opportunities waiting for you and the chance to find someone who will appreciate you. Imagine her left behind in an excrement filled swamp!

Hope you feel more positive soon.

Am going to shut up now - I sound like Marge Proops!

Thanks OneLife. Very nice words. Made me feel a whole lot better. Not like Marge at all

Somthing made me feel a whole lot better today. I met a mutual friend up at tesco. Her son went to school with the poodle's youngest daughter. She knew that me an the poodle had split up. But she said she saw her with an old man. I told her it was her boyfriend!! I luaghed. Cant wipe the grin off my face at the mo. What started out as a dark day has turned into a bright one.

I dont speak to her at all now. In fact I am forbiden by law from contacting her. Not that I would. So I cant smile on the phone to her.

To be honest I dont have that many down days. I get a few now and again and mostly I am happy. I hope it dont take 3 years. But I know there are no short cuts to this process. I am also aware that others have gone down the same road as yourself.

Thanks for replying. It must be hard thinking of something to say I know. Chris.

I used to be trusting. I was lost in my former relationship she had the upper hand and ruled me with an iron grip. I was frankly lead by the nose. She had some kind of spell on me. She told me who I could be freinds with and the friends she didnt like I didnt like.


I hope this feeling will pass with time. And I just hope that the pending divorce will be some kind of milestone. Some kind of release that will allow me to move on a bit more. I know I have a mountain to climb but I am a fair way up it but I cant see the summit yet. Lets hope its not much further. Finger crossed. Chris

Hey Chris I can certainly identify with the above, it's a long long road, but you'll get there..

Sound advice onelife, Marriage is a way of life and it's not until you get out that you look at it for what it was...Marge Proops?? you'r showing your age!!

Me divorced 12m. Was having great time with new man, and he's just sold FMH and money gone into his divorce kitty, she won't agree settlement and is divorcing him on grounds unreasonable behaviour, she now wants him back, only at weekends in her rented home, he mixed up, wants me to wait while he sorts it out. I love this man, but he is torn, says I am fantastic, but not with me now! Doesn't want to hurt me! Hope divorce goes thru and settlement soon.

Herewego. I have heard this story before. It seems to happen a lot. Like I was she has some kind of hold on him. I cant describe it but its like an invisible string. Its broke for me now. The things I did then I would never do now.

You may be left out in the cold. Trouble is you love this man and you cant tell your heart what to do. I hope you get your man back. Chris

Thanks Chris M. He thought he had cut the string,but admits still an attraction there, has to go back to see what it is. We had such plans, He has been yo-yoing back and forth for 2 months now, everyone dislikes her for what she is doing to him, but he is trying to make it work, she has left him twice before,in the past 3 years of their 3 year (!) marriage and he has gone running back, but this time she is divorcing him, but he met me and I give him such a good time, he doesn't want to hurt me anymore he says, so he is going to put everything into it, he admits he can't live with her, so now I'm letting him go back to the rows and arguments. Whilst I get on. He wanted me to wait, but it could take a while, I said come back when he's divorced. She won't let him go, even though she has an "admirer" in the week!