Stayed for the kids - then got used to it

Hi Everyone,

My OH and I have been married for 23 years but it looks like its coming to the end. When the oldest left to go to university 3 years ago, we realised it had been our focus on bringing the kids up that had kept us together. We communicated around them and, as we got more time together, realised we had not communicated for years about our own issues. So we went into counselling and although we have got rid of all (well, most) of the anger (it was mostly hers although I was shocked to the core by some of the revelations), there just isn’t enough left between us. Our youngest left for university a year ago and we have soldiered on. We held on for the last 5 years in a pretty barren relationship (for both of us) mostly for the kids and now they aren’t so reliant on us because it is just easier to run in the same rut I guess. Anyone else get in that situation?

Cheers
Vion

Same happened to me and ex. Son went into Services at 19, we used to sit in the lounge and didn't know what to say. He did golf and snooker, son came out of services, trauma about what son was going to do. Worked with his dad/ex for 2 years, dad left as soon as son was 21, never to return. I remember one holiday when ex didn't speak for the first week, because the sea was 2 hours from the Gite and he couldn't use the snorkel in the Gite pool!

He said he had fallen in love! And left! Then told our son we should never have got married, so they had a fight, ex came off worst, needed stitches. Now they work together, but that's enough for son. Ex is ? re-marrying next year, if she can the lazy fool motivated!

Vion. Its good that you went to counsiling. No this has never happned to me. I was just binned for a fat bloke who looks like her dad.

I think (this is just me so take with a pinch) ask her if she wants to save the relationship. Ask yourself the same question. If its dont know or anything other than a resounding yes then you have nothing left and you are both better off without each other. Its a shame though as you have been together a long time and you have sought help.

This sort of thing happens a lot. Kids are a big part of a marriage and when they leave the nest you feel a big chunk is missing. Its natural to feel this way. But you can (if you want) recover from this. At least there is no one else involved.

At the end of the day you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Trust me. Divorce is sh1t. If you can avoid it do so. Most people dont stay friends after this. I know a few do but most dont.

I used to love my poodle faced lying scheeming bitch of a wife. Now, I would slot her without a second thought. Chris.

Vion; mine couldn't have kids, so we don't even have that as an excuse. I think we stayed together for the dog! (our surrogate)., but now she's left me holding the 'baby'. Counselling will have got you both communicating to a point where you've found out what would have taken years to discover about each other. It doesn't change people's points of view though. I think in time you will appreciate the effort you made in counselling. it's strange because we still have things in common; humour, music and the same voluntary work but I don't trust her now that I've seen the real person after 6 years (including 14 months married).

ChrisM: your bane was 'the fat coacher', mine was 'the dull spark' a pox-ridden electrician. If I'm honest though we still wouldn't have split if it wasn't for her views on money - what's mine is hers and that's it!

Herewegoagain: he sounds like a tosser!

Divwicki. I wouldnt say he was a bane. In a way he did me a favour. I may send him a birthday card. This is what I would say to him. See if you like it and feel free to send the same card to your sparx.

---

Hi Colin. Happy Birthday mate. I would like to say you changed my life. You were perfect. In the right place at the right time. When I stood in that coach park late October 2005 I felt something. I just knew you were important. Remember me telling you so? Now I can tell you why you were important.

You set me free. I hope you enjoy the next few years with that poodle faced bitch and I hope it was worth giving up your 25 year marriage for and your kids. Also you wont be seeing your grandaughter no more and that must add to your woes. See I knew something you didnt and I must admit I used you. But I didnt know I was using you at the time but I was. Soon you will marry that hunch back bitch and the 2 little evil ones will be yours.

You are a conman Colin. Infact you both are. She is conning you like she conned me. But I know things about you that poodle dont. I know you beat your wife. I know you hit her so hard once you knocked her front teeth out. I know you raped her. I know you are so into porn. She thinks you are smooth operator but I know different. You are a serial cheat and you have had 20 + affairs in your marriage.

I will meet Dave (your best mate) who you had an 8 year affair with his wife. He dont know yet but when I tell him he will probably not be your mate anymore and he may just do you. But hey. Life has a habit of caching up and one day all your conning and cheating and sponging will come home to roost. What kind of man takes 9 grand off of a women? Your kind that is. She robbed me of that money. I had invested that in a bond. She forged my signeture and gave you the money. I dont think I will get it back. But hey its only money and I am glad that I paid off your car loan. No need to thank me. What are friends for?

You had the cheek to say that I lost my kids and it was my fault that I dont see them no more. But again you are mistaken. She did that. She poisened them against me and she wants you to be dad. But they are old enough to know better. They betrayed me just like poodle face did.

Well enjoy the house that I built. Just remember. I am in your face all the time. Everytime you take a shower. Switch on a light boil a kettle everything. I am there mate. Right in your mush.

Enjoy your cake. Be careful of the glass and nails. I wouldnt want you to hurt yourself. But remember. I will watch out for you. There is an old chinese saying. "If you sit by a river long enough. Your enamy will come flaoting by". I am waiting for you. Your best mate in the whole world, as you dont have many left. Chris.

---

Sorry if I hijacked your thread. But it may make you laugh. I a p1ss1ng myself.

I would love to make a cake and send a card next july 15th. I doubt I will though as they would just take it to the police and I would probably suffer as a result. But I wrote it now and its off my chest. Thank you and sorry at the same time. I realy am a naughty boy sometimes. Chris.

Hi Chris
Well you did make me laugh. Thats how i felt the first time my best friend took my husband away from me and my daughter who was 2 1/2 at the time. Brings back memories lol. Im just separating from my 2nd husband as he is feeling like a 'non entity' etc etc all the usual excuses. This time there is no bitterness i just cant wait to move out and start a new life with me and my daughter again. I'm just scared that at 45 i will be left on the shef again. When i split with my first it was 13 before i met the 'right' one and now its all gone pear shaped again. My best friend says i should stay single for a while and 'find myself' - that i dont need a man in my life ..... I just want some love and affection. is that too much to ask in this world.
I hope you eventually find what your looking for and remember ' every dog has its day' and 'what goes round, comes round'
pauline
x

Hey guys,

I really appreciate the thought you have all put into giving me some direction – it has helped. I now realise how we are all coping with the breakdown of our relationships, at different stages and from different angles. But they all boil down to the same fundamental issue "the communication thing".

Herewegoagain – you’re right, sitting around and not talking only leads one place – relationship breakdown. I really hope you can leave those bad memories behind.

You know, ChrisM, I really don’t want to ask “the” question because – you’ve guessed it – I already know the answer. Divorce may be sh1t and if I can avoid it I should, but is that really to be recommended over ignoring the resounding Yes? Trouble is I’ve been ignoring it to avoid a split and have been existing in a grey world as a result. What do you do – take the one-way jump and be damned? By the way – your 2nd post did make me smile!

Divwiki – Counselling did change my point of view! I saw myself though my wife’s eyes and felt that my love for her had been a fraud. Not pleasant and probably why I can’t see a future for us. The counsellor says it’s good we have a bedrock to build on but all I see is rubble!! You’re right though – we never would have discovered each others points of view through plodding on as merely ‘married’. Makes you wonder how people managed in years gone by?

Jerseylass – you will find love, probably when you aren’t looking for it. Your friend is right, take some time to find yourself’. It’s good to have friends who have time for you.

Take care all,
Vion