Okay, maybe the title may seem over the top but I'm trying to smile every day, if not I will turn stark raving mad! Mine is not an unusual story, my husband is a serial cheater, BUT, by sheer stroke of luck, for the first time in 14 years, I have solid and concrete evidence of this affair which is very serious. He has a poker face and nothing phases him, his strategy is to deny everything and swear on his mother's life if need be. It is only in the last 8 months that I have this 20/20 hindsight.
He's moving assets around and hiding money in off-shore accounts etc. Fine, i'm generous, I see it as his money (mostly stocks & bonds etc)as I am a housewife but I was advised to apply for divorce just to stabilise the finances on our marital home which I did. He has not as yet been issued papers!
My predicament is that we are living abroad because of his work and although I want desperately to return to the UK, I cannot. First my solicitor is worried that he will file in an overseas court and 2ndly, I can't return with our child unknown to him as it is 'kidnap'. He was quite happy for me to do this before but has suddenly changed his mind. So I not only have to live under the same roof (separate beds)and play 'happy families for the sake of my son, but I also have to overhear him everynight making calls to his mistress discussing their and our relationship.
He continues to be amicable and is a good provider but it is because he is totally ignorant of what I know and what I have done. He did offhandly agree he would want a divorce sometime along the way but he would flip to know that I have actioned it. I now see a quite sinister side to him. When he stops smiling, there is a dark side which I suspect could be violent if I cross him. I am not about to test my theory. So I am living one day to another, no family or friends to confide in, totally stressed with my hair falling out and pretty much trapped and desperate!
I'd be happy for any words of advice or even a joke! I may come across sounding very flippant but I can tell you, its my survival tool!!!
Oh dear god, I have lived overseas in a crap relationship that scared me so have some inkling. OK, first you need to be safe. I think you are saying you are both UK expats, therefore, if you are talking to a local solicitor he probably knows jack shit about UK/international law, get yourself a UK solicitor fast, I am assuming you are not longterm domiciled elsewhere and that this home you are talking about is not in the UK. Then, probably share your fears with both local and British police, and let them know in no uncertain terms how worried you are about your own safety and that of your child (you can elaborate here as much as you like). Go to British High Commission/Embassy and get their advice on bringing your child home, I dont think bringing home a UK child from a foreign country is considered kidnap. Or, pretend you are coming for a holiday (someone's dreadfully ill or some similar excuse, British High Comm might be able to help with that) and get on a plane with both you and your child's passports. Do transfer balances on new credit cards first maybe or find some way to get yourself some ready cash, as much as you can. Then apply for divorce in the UK. Do not underplay the fear that you have, instinct is your best counsellor.
The money thing is like this: you are not just a housewife, you are someone who gave up other opportunities to follow your husband's career and have a child, therefore, you need support to then develop your own independent life. The offshoring thing is difficult, but collect evidence before you leave of your lifestyle, if he tries to say he earns tuppence a month then your holiday pix/bills/receipts/photos of the house will all show otherwise. Get out if you are as worried as you sound. Hell, I am worried for you! Take care, Skyler.
Thanks so much for your input. All of our assets are in the UK and my sol is costing a fortune which I can ill afford but have to because I need expert advice. Over the months I have put my finances in order, settled my credit cards etc, ready for the beans & toast period of my life to start until I can find a job if someone will hire me.
No I can't leave without his permission and will certainly not risk the chance of weakening my case of not having parental responsibility. That's why I feel so trapped. I've done my research, followed advice but despite being as prepared as I can, I'm stuck! The only push would be to issue papers here but I would then be totally at his mercy and anger which I am afraid of! Really don't know what my next step will be!