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Finding it hard to be reasonable - help!

  • braveheart
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10 Sep 07 #3075 by braveheart
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My wife had a 6 month affair (6 weeks physical) that I found out about in July and now wants to live the rest of her life with him and wants a divorce. I tried so hard to reason with her as we have two wonderful children, live in a foreign country and in her words I am a great father and good husband.

Anyway divorce now happening but I am finding it so hard to be reasonable. She is still living in the marital home and will continue to do so until it is sold.

I am passed the bitter/angry phase but this women is truely screwing up the lives of at least three of us so when we talk about settlements etc, even about anything I am finding it so hard to be civil. She is still in some kind of fantasy la-la land telling me last night that divorce might be good for the children

I am advised wherever I look to stay calm and amicable for the sake of the children and to get a settlement that works.

Any ideas as this could go on for months?

  • gone1
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10 Sep 07 #3079 by gone1
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Hi Brave heart. She is a fool. Divorce is no good for anyone especialy children. Its a tough process that wrecks lives. You dont need to be reasonable. But yoiu need to minimise the impact on the children by not engaging them directly.

Work out what you need from this and go an get it. After all she did this to you and you should be taking the moral high ground. No need to shout and scream though as that does no good either. Just conduct yourself with dignity and fairness but be firm on what you want. Its just a paper exercise now mate. Good luck. Chris.

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10 Sep 07 #3083 by braveheart
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Absolute fool - you are dead right Chris. But that fog just won't left so here we are.

Thanks for the advice - I just really need to get her out of the house and get on with my life but I fear that may take sometime.

Patience I guess is what is needed.

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10 Sep 07 #3093 by Autumn
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Hi braveheart

your ex2b must be feeling guilty as hell thats why she is telling you rubbish like 'divorce will be good for the children'.

I agree with Chris, conduct yourself with dignity and put your children first. I am also stuck in the marital home with my ex2b until it is sold and it is hard. I don't know about you but when I look at him all I see is a stranger, 18 years of my life given to a selfish pig. It is incredibly hard not to be hostile and I can manage it most of the time in front of the children.

I am a great believer in 'what goes around comes around', your wife won't be in fantasy land forever.

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10 Sep 07 #3094 by braveheart
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Autumn, in front of the children it is not hard. But alone....it's another matter. I just want her to be out of my life now and get on with her's. Our 15 year anniversay next week - not sure what type of card I'll buy her...

The contempt that she holds me and children in by continuing to see this guy is untrue. There is no word for it - cruel, selfish and as you say pig headed.

The person I married is not the person I see today and that makes it even harder. But I woke up this morning and thought to myself that once this is over at least I will hopefully wake up next to someone who wants to wake up to me - wants to cuddle me and wants to do what normal adult couples do.

Good luck

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10 Sep 07 #3101 by Autumn
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Braveheart, you will be happy again, you will find someone else and put this all behind you.

How old are your children? Will they live with you or your ex2b? Mine are 10 and 7 and have been amazing, the day we told them that we were splitting up was the worst, children are so resilient though and although I never ever imagined this happening to my family, I know that we will get through this and be happy again. In some ways I feel like my ex2b is doing me a favor, I have another chance at happiness and he has shown his true colours.

Unfortunately when children and finances are involved it is a waiting game, like you I also look forward to being rid of my ex2b and rebuilding my life.

Take care

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10 Sep 07 #3105 by braveheart
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Autumn - mine are 9 and 14. The younger one is more upset but the added tragegy here is that, because we are abroad in Europe, I will come back to the UK and they will stay. My STBEX has a new guy here and does not want to return. I can't stay here any longer - we came as a family and an expat life revolves around families not singles. We live in a small town and the thought of seeing them when I am doing my shopping on a Saturday is dreadful. Thankfully I work for myself and can re locate but even so seeing the children every day now and then to once every 3 months will be dreadful.

This is what happens - the people left picking up the pieces are made to suffer due to the selfish actions of others. It breaks my heart.

But, like you, I am determined to come out of this stronger. Maybe not financially so, but it is after all only money.

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